..Was I Being Sexually Assaulted Or Am BU?

[Helpnifoseeker]

Name change for this as it's very personal and I don't like talking about it need advice.
I have split from my X over a year ago and he seems to be getting a bit annoyed and seeming to want to start arguments. I am now very anxious and have told the police and the local DV organisation and made an appointment with my GP regarding anxiety but something has started to play on my mind. My X used to go through phases of jabbing me between my buttocks as I walked past him to the point I would walk around the house with my hand over my bottom to stop him and start to keep my distance from him. He would tend to do it more when we hadn't had sex for a while. He knew I didn't like it, it's hard to explain the sensation but it's really horrible but no matter what I said, he would just fob me off and even tell me I should be glad he did it!
I am now wondering if this could be classed as assault, as he knew it upset me but would not respect my feelings and my right to walk round my own home without being molested.
My question is, IS that a form of assault or AIBU. If it IS assualt, what should I do about it? Should I keep quiet for now and only act if I have to top stop him from preventing me moving or causing me even more stress and anxiety than I already have? I can't remeber there ever being any witnesses so it'd be my word against his. He also caught me in a headlock last year and put just enough pressure on my neck to hurt a bit and made what those I have told about it agree was a veiled threat. The police told me it was an assault and I could prosecute but again, no witnesses and I was to exhausted to deal with the legal system at that time. Still am TBH but if he pushes me too far, I will defend myself legally in any way I can. Constructive comments ( including constructive criticism) welcome, I'll just ignore any rudeness, nastiness or negativity though.

Are you in the uk op?
that is absolutely vile, disgusting awful thing to do to you and yes it is assault. I don’t know how to categorise it but in my opinion I feel it’s sexual assault also. Could you talk to woman’s aid about this and see what they advise you to do? I know it’s personal and probably daunting to say it out loud but I would see what they would advise you and what steps to take on reporting it to the police.

Why are you still with this oaf? Lose him, things will not improve, no matter what you do.

She isn't, it says ex.

@Ull Thank you for your kind words. It's a really embarrassing and shaming thing for me to admit so I am grateful !
I'm not in the UK but I spoke to a support worker at the DV organisation local to me yesterday and I am on the system now but I forgot to tell her about this. I waiting for a call back from my solicitor as well so I'll try and psyche myself up for telling him this. I feel a bit ashamed so that's why this post is anonymous, but I know I have to grow a thicker skin to defend myself if he escalates.

@newnamethanks I'm not, I ended it with him over a year ago.
@frecklejuice Thank you!

Are/were you married to this person ? as if you split one year ago I can't see why 'and he seems to be getting a bit annoyed and seeming to want to start arguments.' there would be any contact between you both - unless of course there is maintenance and visiting re children ?

Yes that was assault. Any unwanted touching like that is assault as is putting you in a headlock. I'm not sure what you can do about it but try to process it with a counsellor.

@newnamethanks You're right that he's an oaf, probably worse and indeed, life with him did indeed get very bad. Unbearable in fact, which is why I made him my X!

Yes it was horrible and you told him not to but he persisted. Yes it's assault.

I'm astonished that people are voting that this isn't assault. Of course it was.

Are you still living with him? Do you have any contact with him? Any kids?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Good question- he still had some of his belongings left on my property. I do not speak to him, a family member deals with him. I'm selling up so my solicitor advised me to write to him to hurry it up- that's the only contact I have had with him in a year.

so you own a property together ?

and is there children or not.

@DadJoke Thank you!
He hasn't lived here for over a year. Thankfully I had no children with him, it would have been very damaging for them. My adult son from a previous relationship lives with me and he deals with him regarding collecting his belongings, otherwise he doesn't bother with the man. He told me he lost all respect for him a few years ago when the X did something behind my back, not cheating but it could be considered another form of betrayal. I only wish my son had told me at the time but he thought he shouldn't as it would cause trouble. Bloody hell, the more I tell, the worse it is!

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon house is in my name only, I owned it outright before we got together.
No children with him, thank God, only my now adult DS from a previous relationship.

It sounds like a lot to process. It's nice that you son lives you with you, even if he withheld the information at the time. You were horribly mistreated.

You've moved on physically, but it sounds like you need a bit of external support, perhaps some therapy.

The only unreasonable thing you did was not punching him.

@DadJoke I had a few sessions of free therapy last year with a charity, but can't afford to pay.It was helpful in the early weeks after separation though. Luckily I have a very close friend in the UK and we talk on FT frequently and I've poured it all out to her and it's helped me work through things very well. I reckon I'm so anxious now because I'm in a sort of limbo and feel a bit trapped with him "circling", knowing where I live. Once we have moved away, I will be fine as he won't know where I am.
My DS has been brilliant, a blessing and I thank God for him!

I think you are probably thinking too deeply into how much problem he can cause you. It's very simple. Xx you have xyz on my property - arrange a collection within the next fortnight or I will arrange for it to be disposed of. Then no further communication.

Regarding poking you - yes it's most likely sexual assault and abohrrant but as you say you word against his and as you don't share any children or property there is no need to allow hok the heads pace short of 'I'll never allow myself to be treated this way again'

Hahaha, that made me laugh, thank you! TBH I felt like it but he's much bigger and stronger than me! I've also realised I have always been wary of him, even if only subconsciously for most of our relationship. I didn't see him really angry very often, but he's got a scary temper when he gets going and he has been violent with men in the past. He also admitted to me last year he'd grabbed an ex by her throat once!

My solicitor has just rang me and told me pretty much the same thing and I'm going to follow his and your advice. Thank you.
Perhaps I am upsetting myself unnecessarily over things. I do tend to do that when I am very anxious or upset or angry and I'm all of those this last week or so! I just want to move house and get on with my life and see my DS spread his wings! Then I'll be fine!

@Motomum23 I meant to add, I won't be bothering with men again so I won't ever be tolerating any nonsense whatsoever anymore!

You got rid of him so well done. Stay strong. Fwiw my husband who loves me very much went through a stage of bopping my waist every time he walked past - it made me jumpy and I didn't like it. When I eventually said look enough is enough I know you think its funny but its making me jumpy he stopped straight away and has never done it again. It's fairly normal in a relationship to sort of accept unwanted physical contact as just banter and then only assess it post,- relationship. Xx

@Motomum23 Your DH listened to you and stopped because he respects you and doesn't want to make you feel bad whereas my X clearly didn't give a toss that he was upsetting me and making me stressed by doing that. Yes, jumpy is how I used to feel; on edge, uneasy and wound up too tight after a while which had the effect of draining my energy. Him fobbing me off was invalidating so I'm glad you're husband listened to you!
I'm glad I go t rid but only wish I'd never met him at all now. I just want to move house, move on and leave him in the past!

I have read all of your posts, so I ask why ' and he seems to be getting a bit annoyed and seeming to want to start arguments. '
is this over him being told he still has belongings in YOUR house that YOU are selling ?

otherwise he cannot comment on your house and your house sale.

get his belongings bagged up and out, it's been a year does he actually want his belongings ?!

so 7 days notice to collect from xyz by xyz or you will take them to the tip.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon He's coming on Thursday and I have written to him on the advice of my solicitor, advising him what he needs to do.
It would cost me a fortune to dispose of it at the local recycling centre. We're not in the UK and it's a different system.
I have decided to give him the items once I don't need them anymore and before we leave. Hopefully, he'll leave me alone then!