Help settle a minor dispute pls

[TwixOrDoubleDecker]

DS is taking a gap year. He works in the local pub and does a team hobby which is also competitive two evenings a week. I say that about his hobby because it matters if he doesn't turn up, he'll be kicked off the squad.

These two things mean that he is often out working or training late at night, often home at about midnight.

What is a reasonable time for him to sleep in until? At the moment we are rarely seeing him before noon unless he has a lunchtime shift at the pub.

He is not really contributing much to the household except that he does his own laundry and occasionally (like once a week) walks the dogs.

We don't charge him rent. Everything he's earning is to be used to save up for travelling later in the year and for uni.

DH thinks this is fine. My feeling is that he should be pitching in a bit more (eg cooking a bit, maybe doing some food shopping, helping around the house). Nothing major and mainly things to up-skill him a bit for when he goes to uni.

Who IBU?

How old is he? I wouldnt be bothered about what time he's sleeping until, but I would want him helping around the house a little.

He's 18.

Helping around the house for sure, cooking some of the meals to teach him yes.

The sleeping in wouldn't bother me too much (he needs to sleep!) but I would expect him to help around the house when he is awake, if that means getting up a little earlier so be it.

None of your business what time he sleeps in until really 🤷‍♀️ If his pub shift aren’t regular, then I’d request 20% of his weekly/monthly take home pay. If it’s regular then you should set a fixed amount. He should also have a few more jobs as he’s taking the mick.

let him sleep, but once up he could be doing a couple of bits around the house to help.
the fact he does his own laundry is a bonus though! wish mine would, lol.

It's more helpful to think of it as his hours are different to yours

If I finished at midnight I'd want a couple of hours of downtime after that - tv/supper/shower etc - so sleeping in til 10-12 seems fine for his age group

Perhaps you can get him to contribute when he gets up ?

It's really easy to be annoyed at teenagers laying in bed all day, it used to annoy me when I was up at 5 and saw none of them til lunch - but his schedule is literally running on a different time to you

I think it’s reasonable to add some extra chores (cook once a week, clean the bathroom once a week etc) as long as he does those then he should be free to manage his time.

Help around the house-non negotiable. Sleeping in? His business.

Yes I think I'm ok with the noon wake up. It's just the fact that he's in his room pretty much the rest of the time.

He's not averse to helping but generally does a pretty lame job when he's finally cajoled into it. 😂

We've agreed that he saves his money rather than pays us. If he paid us then perhaps we would be less inclined to ask him to physically contribute.

He obviously needs his recovery time and I think the sleeping in is normal at his age. I would expect him to clear up after himself, but he is doing a fair amount already I think. I wouldn't charge him rent yet. We were lenient with DS and he has gone on to do very well - works hard, saved up and bought a flat, cooks for us sometimes, etc.

You are not doing him any favours by allowing this.
If he isn’t contributing financially he should be pulling his weight.
I would give him some responsibility around the home.
All of ours could make a decent meal before the left for uni, it’s good he does his own laundry but really he needs more purpose, he must be bored stiff.

Isn’t the answer to talk it over together?

I slept quite a bit at 18, in fact I grew two inches between the ages of 17 to 21. Let him sleep when he wants.

I'm semi retired.

I sleep in.

Sometimes till noon.

Don't see why you would care what time he gets up.

The chores is a different question.
I assume he does his own laundry etc?

Sorry see that he does his own laundry.

You could suggest cooking a meal once or twice a week and if he can't cook you can use that to teach him.

Sell it to him as "this is good preparation for uni".

Be aware (I did do this) it takes a lot longer and is more effort to teach him and cook with him than to just make something yourself

Up to him what time he sleeps in until. No idea why you think that would be up to you to interfere in!

I'd expect him to do his own chores (i.e laundry, keeping his bedroom tidy, cleaned and hoovered, emptying his own bins, rinsing down the bath/shower after using and not making any real mess, keeping you informed of which meals he's in/out for and preparing any food he needs outside of the family meals, generally keeping his own things tidy around the house and clearing up any messes that he makes.

I wouldn't expect an 18 year old to be clearing up after you or taking on major household chores, nor would I really expect them to do family cooking, although I think it would be nice if they wanted to and it fitted in with their shifts.

Basically, I'd expect him being there to be fairly work neutral - neither making work for you, nor taking any major household chores away from you.

Personally, I would charge him "rent", but since you don't need the money, I'd be stashing it aside in a savings account to give back to him either for travel or for uni.

I'm with your DH, let him sleep. Agreed with previous poster, if he isn't making extra work for you I don't see the issue. It's short term, he is young, working late most nights and will be gone soon.

Well it's because DH thinks it's all ok. DS is obviously with DH on this one.