Hi all,
Longtime reader, fist time poster here - It's a really long one as there's lots of relevant background info & don't want to drip feed any info.
I've recently disclosed to my DM (adoptive) that my 2 brothers (her biological children) subjected me to SA during my childhood.
Both brothers are quite a bit older than I am, so there was quite a big age gap when I was adopted into the family. The SA began was I was approx 6 years old, they were approx 14 and 15 years old. It went on for a couple of years.
I don't want to go into details of the abuse, but it was extensive, at times, violent and had a lasting impact on me that I've had to spend so much time, energy and money to undo the damage caused with years of therapy.
I'm pleased to say that whilst it's not been easy, the work I've done on myself has paid off. I'm happy, have my own successful business which allows me to travel a lot. I'm not currently in a relationship but have had healthy relationships, have a lot of amazing friends all over the world - I'm just biding my time for the right relationship to find me when the timing is right :)
It also helps that I live on the other side of the world to my adoptive family. I visit the UK from time to time.
With one brother (will call A), I have spoken openly with him on this issue over the past 8 years, and we have worked on our sibling relationship quite a bit.
From the beginning, A has been fully accountable, never denied anything to me, always listened to me whenever I told him what he did, how it affected me (even when I've communicated how upset and angry at him I've been, and not done it in a "gentle" way), he's shown full remorse and has actually become someone I value in my life now. He works hard to provide for his family, is deeply intellectual, very sensitive and very emotionally mature.
He has turned into a person that I can depend on like family, and he has a really lovely family of his own that I have a lovely/easy connection with.
The second brother (will call him B) is the golden child for DM and it has always been a complicated relationship to navigate. He has behaved appalling in the recent past, entitled, demanding, going to DM when I've done something that goes against what he wants/expects, manipulated her into turning against me, and he has gone LC/NC with me twice in the past 4 years for really stupid issues (first time was 1 year, and now this second time we are coming up to a year again). He doesn't work and DM gives him a lot of money to support his partner & young DC.
I have not been able to speak to B like I did with A, because of the above reasons (and more), knowing how would likely react and how that would only have a negative impact on me and my well-being.
DM has never really accepted me as her child. DF was always my primary caregiver, despite him working long hours, he always made time for me and he always felt like my "real" (and only) dad. Sadly, DF passed away 10 years ago.
DM almost certainly has an undiagnosed personality disorder, struggles with understanding how her behaviour impacts those around her, low empathy, very entitled, obnoxious, highly reactive. She got worse after passing of DF. She has caused a lot of problems within the family, neither of my brothers care particularly deeply for her, but brother A does a lot for her to ensure she's safe, comfortable etc.
DM is insistent that she is adored by everyone in the family, never has any issues with anyone but me in the family (absolutely not true - both of my SiL's are pretty much NC with her, other than planned family events where they will be civil for a day, despite neither of my SiL's being an issue and both are actually really lovely, genuine people that have treated me with nothing but kindness).
Earlier this year, DM, myself and a close friend of mine were having a nice conversation over dinner, and DM launched into one of her rants, about how terrible my behaviour was when I was younger, designed to humiliate me in front of my friend out of nowhere. For info, my behaviour wasn't terrible, I just got into trouble at school for getting into fights some times, as it was difficult for me to not control my anger once I got rattled. Considering the extent of my experience with trauma and abuse, both pre and post-adoption, I really wasn't "bad" at all. But DM holds a lot of resentment towards me and makes this very known.
I managed to contain the situation, calm DM down etc but at that point, something inside of me decided enough was enough and I decided to tell her why I was so angry when I was younger and why it came out in my behaviour at school. Keep in mind, DM has brought this topic up constantly at every opportunity over the decades and simply can't just let it go. It feels like she blames me for coming into her "perfect" family and ruining their life.
I told DM about the SA by her sons and what I experienced, and that the abuse was essentially the root cause of my childhood issues. She believed me instantly as she understood that everything suddenly made perfect sense.
Brother A has been forthcoming and has explicitly told DM the extent of the SA, backing up my truth. However, brother B has been very manipulative, lied and even tried to tell DM that it was not true, but brother A sent DM a VERY explicit message at my request confirming the horrific details of the SA.
I have told both brother A and B that I am considering a police investigation, due to the nature of the abuse and the fact that brother B has a young DD, which concerns me given his lack of accountability and remorse. I am sick of carrying the weight of this "secret" and being the only person that has had to pay the price, despite being completely innocent.
DM suggested she wanted to speak to a therapist with me, to attempt to repair our relationship and we did one session, however, DM was quite nasty during the call, forcing the therapist to step in to remind her that none of this is my fault, that her grandchildren are technically at risk and there are safeguarding issues at stake.
DM said on the call with the therapist that if I went to the police, I would be responsible for destroying "her family" and "her children's" family (meaning her sons, not counting me as one of her children). DM also said how could I "put her children in prison" (again said in a way that intentionally excluded me as one of her children).
Therapist stepped in at all the right moments to counter each of these statements, to remind DM, that all of this is superseded by the abuse and behaviour of my brothers, and that I am not responsible for any consequences to their past abuse. DM responded that she wished I had not been adopted into her family.
The therapist then said she would not continue co-session between myself and DM whilst there was pressure being put on me to not report the abuse to the police, and she fully recommended that a police investigation needs to be conducted so that Brother B in particular can be assessed with regards to safeguarding his young DD. The therapist also stated that she would have to report any disclosures I made to her that might suggest any current family members under the age of 14 might be at risk. Which would mean social services would become involved.
The therapist has offered to provide continued 1-1 support directly with me, which I will be doing as she is a very experienced and knowledgable psychotherapist.
This was one month ago and DM has not spoken or messaged a word to me since - DM ended the session by saying that I was "no longer welcome as part of her family".
My questions to all of you, is; would it be unreasonable of me to pursue a police investigation? I have already been speaking with police, and they have said a conviction is a very possible outcome, given the evidence I have - credible witnesses I have willing to go to court to testify that I have been speaking them about the abuse for the last 20 years, years of messages between myself and brother A where he openly admits to the abuse.
Plus, brother A has been the only person within my "family" to actually support that it is fully my choice if I do or not, but has said he would fully co-operate with police and accept the consequences for what he did. He would also act as a witness against brother B, who is far less likely to be forthcoming in any police investigation.
Also, should I inform the partners of my brothers of this situation, or push both brothers into speaking with their partners/mothers of their children themselves? I feel that they have a right to know, where as DM is determined that this needs to be kept an "open secret" between myself, DM and brothers. So far, both SiL's have been kept in the dark.
Brother A has arranged so that he, myself and brother B speak later this week between ourselves. I don't know how that call will go.
Also, I'm unsure of what to do regarding my relationship with DM, she has clearly chosen a side, despite no one asking her to. When I initially disclosed to her, she reacted in such a receptive way, deeply apologetic, blamed herself for not seeing what was happening despite her being very present within the home.
It was only when DM realised that this may escalate into a police investigation that would have lasting consequences across the family did she begin to change her behaviour towards me. It's like it was fine when this had only affected my life, but I will be the horrible person that destroys the whole family if I make other people be held accountable and have their behaviour affect their lives - ie her children. And DM will blame me entirely for that. Which is really backward thinking, I know.
Any advice, thoughts, shared experiences would be most appreciated.