Husband talking to other women

[ThatSillyFox]

Some background. We’ve been married for 9 years, 2 children 7 and 4. Since we had our youngest I’ve been been made redundant, worked 3 jobs one being nights and just generally life has got on top of us. An impact of that is we rarely are intimate. If I’m honest I could happily go the rest of my life without having sex with anyone again. I’ve never been very sexual but my husband has a high sex drive. We spoke recently as he was getting upset that I didn’t want to have sex. I explained all the reasons and said that I love him and being intimate is more than just sex and we had moved on. We’ve had time just being together for date nights etc Or so I thought. Last week I was using his phone to check on our Amazon package, I know his PIN code he knows mine, and a message popped up from some woman in an adult fun site. Asking if he was still bored at lunchtime and wanted to chat 😈
i haven’t confronted him about it. I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach, I don’t know what to do. This is him cheating on me isn’t it? He’s in London for work for a night and now I’m thinking he’s staying over so he can meet one of these women in real life. What do I do, I can’t survive financially on my own, he’s the main breadwinner. I don’t want to let my family down.

Ask him. Say you were checking on the Amazon delivery and saw he was chatting to other women on an adult fun site. Be factual, do not get drawn into any nonsense about snooping etc. say you need to have a talk. Ask if he is cheating, or thinking about it. Ask if he wants to have a serious talk about intimacy in your relationship (clearly neither of you are happy at the moment). Discuss marriage counseling, or separating if that is not going to help.

Do you both work or just you?
I think you both need to have a serious talk about your sex life as you both have different needs.
It does seem like cheating yes. This is going on behind your back.

I think counselling would be helpful. If you have mismatched sex drive, one will be upset and disappointed. Neither had the right to have ‘their way’ but it isn’t ideal when one partner rules out a very important part of a marriage.
Tell him what you saw and ask for complete honesty. In practical terms, book an sti check to be on the safe side.

Can you call him rather than messaging?

I think this would give me the total ick. If you don’t trust him, then the relationship is over really. 💐

We both work. He just earns 3 times more than I do. He pays the rent, utilities and internet. I’ve just managed to get back to working full time now our youngest is in school but it’s not enough to cover rent and everything.

I didn’t pay attention to the name but he had loads of chats and matches and had posted naked pictures of himself in his profile. I don’t know if it’s just chats or meeting up too but like I say he’s away in London for work so a hotel room to himself….

If I’m honest, why would you refuse sex knowing he has a high sex drive then be shocked he sought it out?
I’d be devastated if my husband said he never wanted to have sex again, it’s an incredibly important part of a relationship. I’d most likely seek out a divorce.

This. Obviously he shouldn’t be cheating on you but to think you’d “moved on” is very naive. Probably he loves you and doesn’t want to leave you either, but if he thinks from what you’ve said that you never want to have sex again, it’s not that surprising if he’s chatting on dodgy websites. If you really don’t want to have sex with him but you don’t want to leave him, you might want to think about whether you could stand an above board open relationship.

I haven’t refused sex, when he married me he knew we had different sex drives so it wasn’t anything new. It’s been harder the last few years due to other factors like I mentioned. We still have sex, just not as much as he apparently now wants. We did have a serious conversation about this before we got married as I was polar opposite to his ex.

Sadly, mismatched sex drives cannot be just moved on from. Him understanding you don't want to have sex is one thing, but to expect him to not want it anymore is unrealistic. What kind of intimacy do you both actually engage in and how often? He might see having naughty chats as a way to be sexual, without meeting anyone. But such behaviour is certainly a grey area.
You both might benefit from relationship counselling or sex therapy. Why exactly are you not interested in sex anymore? These things might be worth exploring. Else, an honest discussion on the future of your relationship is needed.

Honestly? I think you've taken the position of the person who wants less sex as being the default. Obviously this is correct because no one should feel coerced into having sex when they don't want to.

But it does leave the higher sex drive person with nowhere to go.

I think you have been naive and I think the two of you might just be incompatible, sadly.

I'm also really sorry because it must have been a shock to find out like that.

I misunderstood from your post in that case. But I don’t see where else he could go.

I’m not sure how often he’d like but if you’d be fine never having sex again I’m assuming it’s not very often.

I don’t see a result that doesn’t leave someone deeply unsatisfied in the relationship. Either you’re forcing intimacy or he’s sexually frustrated. He probably thought this was a good outlet for all the pent up sexual energy he has.

Others have said consider non-monogamy but I’m not sure as you’d probably have offered it before if you were that way inclined.

It's not fair for him to be in a sexless marriage. And if you don't want sex then that's some issues that together you'll need to tackle. It has to work for you both.

He's an arse for going behind your back. He is cheating, and he's a sneak and a liar.

However. Your marriage is not working as it is. As others have said, you should not have to force yourself to have sex if you don't want it. But, he shouldn't have to live without either. It's incredibly frustrating and upsetting being the partner with the higher drive and feeling rejected.

Obviously he knew this when he married you, so it's on him too. I had an ex partner who I stayed with for a long while despite him never wanting sex. But it wore me down so much over the years; I felt unloved and neglected, like there was something wrong with me despite logically knowing it was him. He wouldn't get a testosterone check or anything, and it was just on me to accept it.

I didn't cheat, though. I just left him and found a partner whose drive matches mine, and married him.

If you've always been this way and it's not a recent change, and you're genuinely not interested...I just can't see how this relationship can work. Sexual intimacy is incredibly important.