To have told friend not to come on trip?

[silverplaginum]

My mum has invited me to go to New Zealand, long backstory but she left when I was very young, she has many issues and rarely kept in contact and now she wants to make up for this.

I was out to dinner with a friend and told her my plan and she said she’d always wanted to go to NZ, so on the spur of the moment I invited her to come. She said to check with my mum first, (I did afterwards and my mum said yes). We started planning what other places we wanted to see whilst there.

During that time my mum has shown signs of being her old self and I’m worried she will kick off when we’re there (she’s very unpredictable and drinks). I told my friend this and said I’d feel responsible for her if my mum kicked us out and it was causing me too much anxiety so I’d rather go alone.

Friend is now pretty upset with me, and said she’s embarrassed she’s told people she’s going, booked time off work and now isn’t going and I should never have asked her to go in the first place (she was going to book her flight this week so thankfully she’s not lost out on any money). Have I been a horrible friend?

Wow, your poor friend. That's awful for her. Can you both not stay in a cheap Air BnB and then you visit your mam separately.
I understand your worries but that's terrible when she's planned to come.

Have a proper conversation abut what might happen and what you'll do if it does. Ask friend how she feels about that. Also you know her, do you think it is something she could handle ok? If so, take her. I'd still want to go, I've seen plenty of drunk kickoffs by unpredictable folk and I'm unscathed, some folk have issues. As long as you handle it and don't expect your friend to get involved, it might not put her off wanting to go.

Yes you have been a horrible friend. Going to NZ is a trip if a lifetime for most people and you offered for your friend to join you with enough time for her to organise herself at work etc then you pull the rug from underneath her feet. I'm not surprised she's upset.

I think it'd be a good option to go on a trip to NZ staying with your friend, and see your mum a bit to see how that is.

You can spend plenty of time with your friend.

I think you've been a bad friend, yes, and the risk is you chuck away a good friend for a bad holiday with your unchanged mum.

Yes

Wow your poor friend! I can't believe you've told her not to come.

Your mum is obviously not a stable input in your life and I get you want to make up for the time lost but surely the best option was to book accomodation with your friend.

I’d be upset in your friend’s position, though at least she hasn’t already committed financially. Agree with previous poster that you and friend could book an AirB&B. I think if your mum is a bad drunk and is already showing some concerning signs, staying with her could be entirely overwhelming for both of you. If you had your own space and could choose when and where to see her, it might be a lot more successful.

Yes, you weren't particularly nice.

You have put your dysfunctional mother above your friend.

The CORRECT thing to do would be to book the trip then have a back up plan IF your mum turns out to be a nightmare e.g. alternative plan for accommodation.

Accommodation seems the sticking point?

How about you both see can you afford cheap accommodation and you can see your mother but be totally independent of her?

You actually might prefer that and to have the support of a good friend while over there.

Could you explain your worries with your friend and check out all your options.

I certainly wouldn't stay with your mother, it makes you too vulnerable to her poor behaviour.

Sorry hopefully this isn’t a drip feed but my mum is paying my airfare and I’m staying with her and she’s not charging me. I know some will look down on me as an adult having my flight paid for but this is her attempt to make up for missing years of my life.

So yes I have saved a lot for the trip but that’s to do things whilst there, and I wouldn’t be able to afford accommodation too.

Given that there are plenty of compromises you could have made around your mother, yes I think you've been a rather bad friend.

She gave you the out on your original acceptance, and presumably she's pretty close and valued particularly when your DM is distant.

My advice, as others, is go ahead with the trip. See your mother, of course, but do all the other things you and your friend had planned. If she still wants to go.

I think your friend is unreasonable. This isn't a free holiday, which obviously she's annoyed she has lost out on. It's cost her nothing except emotional investment and daydreaming.

This trip is about reconnecting with and building bridges with your mum and you should never have invited anyone else. It's absolutely fine to reconsider and a true friend would understand the significance of this trip for your relationship with everything you've been through, and hope it goes well!

So does your mother live in NZ?

This trip sounds like it's going to fail to be honest. If you've not had any real contact with each other then staying in her house is going to be a nightmare.

I don't think you are being a bad friend, I can understand your friend is disappointed but this is a tricky emotional trip for you and I think she should understand it's not just a jolly.