Wedding guest list

[LetsHaveCake]

I (38F) am engaged to get married. My partner has a very small family, most of which live abroad. He also has a small but tight friend network. In mocking up guest lists for bigger venues, we found we didn't have enough people and we didn't want to invite lots of people who aren't important to us just to fill a room.

Consequently, we decided to have an intimate wedding at a lovely venue that also suits other needs we have. The downside is that no intimate packages were available locally that offered more than 30 max guests for the day (ceremony and sit-down meal). This means our day list is very tight, comprising of immediate family, bridal and grooms parties, and then a few of our closest friends, one of whom will be taking a long-haul flight to attend.

Now I asked my Dad if there was anyone he wanted us to make sure we invite to the wedding and he mentioned his older brother and his wife and a couple who he's been friends with for years and years. These two groups were already included in our evening list, which also includes my partner's aunts and uncles (coming from abroad).

On receiving his invite, my father sent me an angry message demanding to see the invite lists and then, on seeing that my aunt and uncle and his friends were not on the day list, demanded that we uninvite people. His argument is that they will all need to do a day's worth of travel for our wedding and book accommodation. But I have friends on the evening list who are also travelling similar distances, as does my partner.

We have tried to explain our decision-making and explain that other people are coming similar distances for the evening, but he has decided that he won't come since we didn't decide to uninvite people as soon as he demanded it.

To me, the only ones that would be a high priority for the day, if someone were to cancel, would be my aunt and uncle, not his friends.

*Important context: my dad hasn't offered us any money for the wedding

AIBU?

No. Your Dad is being unreasonable. If he isn’t paying for the wedding, he doesn’t get to dictate who comes to which part.

It's your wedding. You are paying for it. It's up to you.

It would be sad if your dad didn't attend, so I would try and mend bridges. Could these people be on list to bump up if you get any declines?

Your dad is being very cheeky expecting to be able to bring his friends when he’s not contributing to the wedding financially.

Your dad is taking the piss but I think you are rude inviting people that you know have to travel a long way just for a night party tbh

@Createausername1970, my aunt and uncle would be the next on the list if we have declines. But I think it's unfair to demand his friends when my partner also has aunts and uncles who will be travelling.

Your only mistake was asking him who he wanted to be invited.

Where does everyone live? Friends of ours recently booked their wedding a couple of hours drive from where we all live. Our friends who were evening invite only didn’t go as would have cost a lot in travel/ accommodation just for the evening. I’m wondering if your uncle would have to travel far or would he be local to the venue anyway?

YABU to ask him who he would like you to invite, and then not inviting them.

YAalsoBU inviting people to travel a long way for an evening invitation. Particularly Aunts and Uncles, who would (if you are 38) be more likely to be people who would appreciate being invited to the ceremony and who might well then go home before the evening party.

Ultimately, who you invite and how many people you can afford to invite and where you draw the line of people to invite is up to the two of you, but you have gone about this badly.

Your Dad is rude to demand things. But it’s bad form to invite people to the evening only have a long way to travel.

Have you invited other extended family to the ceremony? If so, I can understand why only inviting his brother and wife to the evening would be a snub. But if your ceremony only has immediate family and no other Aunts or uncles or cousins then at least you’ve been fair in your decision making.

I would imagine guests would decline an evening only invite if it involves more than 60 minutes or so traveling. In my experience, if I'm only worthy of the B-list, I don't bother attending anyway.
This is totally up to you and your fiancé. With your Father contributing nothing towards your wedding I would not consider his opinions. We paid for our wedding because we knew how we wanted it to be, if parents had donated then we would have felt duty bound to let them have some input into arrangements.

Why bother asking your Dad if there was anyone he wanted you to make sure you invite to the wedding, if you weren’t then going to invite them to the wedding?

You are 38 and you asked your dad who he wanted to invite to your wedding. Why ask him when you can’t accommodate his wishes?
If he was paying for it then it would be his choice and by accepting him paying that would be the consequence.
I agree that travelling for hours just for an evening do is a bit much.
You have created this I’m afraid.
However your father hs acting very childish, he needs to grow up.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood, We have invited everyone he has asked, we just can't accommodate everyone in the ceremony and we don't have enough people for a larger venue.

My partner's parents will be contributing money and their family invitees will also travelling a similar distance but they have made no demands.

We are also thinking of having a lunch the following day for family and people who travelled a long way so we can have more quality time with people.

People who don’t want to travel for the evening part can decline. As far as I can see you have invited the people he asked you to invite. He’s being unreasonable, it’s your wedding not his.

When you first spoke to your dad and asked who he wanted there, did you then communicate that they were already on the list but evening only?

I think its disingenuous to say you've invited them to the wedding when you haven't. You have invited them to the evening reception.

You are totally entitled to invite who you want, but i suspect you have caused confusion and disappointment here where it could have easily been avoided.

We have invited everyone he has asked, we just can't accommodate everyone in the ceremony and we don't have enough people for a larger venue.

Surely the normal way round is to think / draft a list of who you would like to invite first and then find a venue to suit the size of your wedding, rather than booking a small venue, then checking in with your families about who they think it would be nice to ask, and then not being able to fit them in ?

I mean, obviously if people want to have a wedding with only 6, 10, or 15 people, that's absolutely up to them ( I was once a guest at a wedding where there were only 12 people - it was lovely), but if you are inviting immediate Aunts and Uncles, it would be fairly usual to invite them to the actual ceremony.