To ask how you communicate you’re annoyed/upset?

[signtyenda]

For example if a friend let you down, absolute last minute with a rubbish excuse and they had been consistently flakey - to the point now where it actually upsets you.

I find it very difficult to say (not as blunt as this obviously) “your behaviour has upset me” because part of me just assumes they will get defensive and it will turn into a huge argument rather than them just acknowledging my hurt and maybe not continuing the behaviour (by maybe not agreeing to go to things they know they don’t want to or cancelling earlier or just not letting people down)

Most people on Mumsnet tend to do the passive aggressive thing.

"Go NC", or "just don't respond next time" or whatever.

Me, I'd rather let folk know. You shoul say to them "this made me feel bad that you cancelled and let me down , and you've done it before. Can you try and plan or let me know in more advance, so I can also do the same with my life" or whatever

So much of modern Britain today is horribly passive aggressive because folk are too comfortable with never feeding back to their friends or family, but instead seething until it all becomes too much.

If it’s become a habit and I was getting fed up I’d start saying things like

‘oh no, I was really looking forward to seeing you!’
’Is everything ok? [phrase something here to make them explain what’s going on/dig themselves into more of a hole]’

Hey friend, I noticed that I was left feeling a bit disappointed and hurt yesterday when you said you couldn't make the trip. I really value our friendship and I was looking forward to our time together. I understand that sometimes plans need to change and I hope we can always be flexible with each other on that. At the same time I'd love a bit more communication next time if that's possible? This would allow me to make other plans and avoid the disappointment of last minute changes. Would you be willing to give me more notice if you can't make it next time? I'm looking forward to seeing you again.

I would address it at a later date, when I'm feeling less upset/pissed off, so as to take the heat out of the conversation. I'd let it come up naturally, e.g. if they said, yeah sorry about that, or if we were making another plan for a different time, I'd take the opportunity to say, yes, that got up my nose actually, I wouldn't mind if you didn't do that again.

Most things you need to say to a friend are completely acceptable as long as there isn't a load of drama attached to them. Almost by definition, getting worked up about it to the point where you have to rehearse what you're going to say will end badly imo. I'm guilty of this myself, so I'm not judging, but half the problem may be your expectation of defensiveness because the way you then express yourself will make it clear that that would be an appropriate response, and unless they are very wise and self-aware most people will oblige without even knowing why.

Yes, I wouldn't take Mn norms as norms of communication for society at large, because so many people on here really struggle with day to day human communication and relationships.

I'm quite direct in these kinds of situations, and don't have any issue with centring my own life. Far better than seething silently and then lurching into 'going NC' because you're too much of a people-pleaser to say 'Your flakiness about actually showing up to pre-arranged meetings is pissing me off. I'm going to wait for you to propose something you actually want to do, and see if I want to do it, and if you show up.'

If somebody pisses me off repeatedly with this kind of behaviour then I stop making plans with them (or at least, not one-to-one plans).

I figure: no point raising it with them, that's what they're like, they're not going to change for me, we're just not compatible in that way.

I would still invite them to parties or group meet-ups, where it doesn't really matter whether they turn up or not.

If it’s someone I want to retain a friendship with, I will tell them I am disappointed and listen to their explanations.

If it’s someone I’m not that bothered about, I won’t say anything, I will just retreat and not make plans with them again. Phase them out. No grand NC convos. What’s the point?

When I'm upset, I go quiet because I need to wait until I've calmed down. Then I think about what specifically upset me, why, and what I would want the outcome to be. Then I talk to the person about it.

I was upset about...
Because...
So I hope that (outcome)...

Although if you're dealing wish a selfish shit-head all the above is pointless.

In-person - I can communicate it all in one glance.

One the phone / WhatsApp- the silent approach

Good old fashioned British repression for me 😂 I’m dreadful at dealing with confrontation though. I do try to reason that something must have happened/been busy etc though to be late. I’m always on time for the record, far too socially anxious to dare being late 😂

Different people , different methods. Family straight out that they pissed me off. Acquaintances only get two chances then no more plans.

I get upset for a while then convince myself that they must have important things going on in their lives and I was being unreasonable. Sometimes I have to tell myself no, they are wrong and you are right to be upset. My default is to second guess myself and I'm trying to stop this. I genuinely find confrontation difficult, I would rather avoid it and thats not very effective. However people who get confrontational often do so while angry and are irrational. I think the ideal is let it pass so you are calm then say in a factual matter of fact way.

I’d leave it until the next similar plan is being touted and say then, in a friendly teasing kind of way “but i’ll be really pissed off if you cancel on me at the last moment/show up an hour late again”. Sometimes with repeat offender friends I’ll say something like “so if we’re meeting at 3 and the bus takes an hour you’ll be leaving at…?” Again kind of as a joke, but also is a way to name the problem and make them more conscious of it and seems to rile people less than serious words while upset. Much as I hate flakiness, I would run a mile from some of the i’m-not-angry-i’m-disappointed suggested texts above.

I’m not good at this. I would just say ‘no probs, I understand’ then think ‘fuck me, you’re so flaky, you always cancel!’

Strangely, with my Mum/partner/child, I have absolutely no problem saying how I feel! Odd

I think my issue is I had a friend where she let me down really badly one time, after a string of smaller (but still hurtful) let downs throughout the years.

After that incident we had a very calm talk on the phone where I said I felt really let down and that it’s also reached the point that when we are planning to do anything in the back of my mind I know it’s not going to happen.

We ended the conversation fine but we didn’t speak for six months. And then the cycle continued. She is an ex friend now.

I express my anger and hurt through interpretive dance.

It helps me process my emotions but I get some funny looks on the Tube.

I’m actually asking people for help here.

I really don’t need the most unfunny (akin to a dad joke) comments.

I figured a variant of “I just tell them” might be a bit obv, but there you go.

Next time making plans comes up I say something like, “last time I was really disappointed when you cancelled, and I felt flat all day. I’d rather not make any firm plans unless we’re both sure it’s going to work out.”

My cousin (we talk about this stuff a lot) says she prefers the English approach, which is to seethe silently and keep tally. She says saying something is unBritish. But she also describes herself as a ball of suppressed rage, so I’m not sure that’s any better.

My Kate Bush moves are more fun than that.