How to help my ASD son make friends now he’s started primary

[Redwineandcheeseplease01]

My ASD diagnosed 4year old son has just started primary school. When his sister was talking about who she played with today, unprompted he said “nobody talked to me. They played with each other but not with me”.
Please can anyone advise how to help him develop friendships? He’s on a reduced timetable so I’m likely to miss most of the mums at the gate for a while to start getting to know people.

What are the school doing to encourage friendships? Did they do a pre planned targets plan? Does he have an EHCP with a dedicated one to one? They school should be encouraging children to mix with each other, especially in reception, if you feel your son is being left out then mention it. But it may take some time, both my ASD children didn’t really start having ‘named’ friends until year 1/2 (my second son still doesn’t really care for other kids to be fair).

I think that all you can do is have a chat with his teacher. They can't make children play together but could definitely give them a nudge in the right direction. Also from my experience, 4y/o kids at school often play seperately but in the same vicinity rather than together as we would imagine it. How old is your daughter?

Give it time as it’s very early days. But I had the same issue and emailed the teacher and asked for her advice - she suggested I arrange some play dates and gave me names of some children who would be a good option. This definitely helped, but really it wasn’t until year 1 that he really formed any friendships, but me getting to know the parents more through play dates, parties etc was a big help

I agree that it's very early days. My DS said this on and off for the first term in Reception. He's NT but has never really been one for friends. It wasn't until the end of Year 1 that he had a named friend. The teachers were quite good at pairing people up though so he felt like he had lots of friends rather than none if that makes sense.

Look into the local library and whether they run Lego groups or similar you may find others in his school's go, similarly with scouts (whatever the youngest division is) find the group closest to his school, you can volunteer if you feel he might need extra supervision andit puts you in a great spot to talk to parents on pick up.

Invite someone he'd like to be friends with round for tea - it's much easier to get to know someone one on one IMO, especially when you're autistic. A birthday party is a good way to gain popularity too when that comes around. Also encourage him to talk to other children if he can, it's better for him not to rely on them to talk first, chat to him about what he might talk about or ask them - could just be, what are you playing, can i play too? You'd be surprised how many things that are very obvious to you aren't necessarily obvious to him (at least that's what i found with mine!).

Getting to know other parents is pretty key ideally though IMO. If there's a PTA then I'd recommend joining it if you can, it's often a really good way to get to know other mums and get your face known too.

Thankyou so much for your replies. @LostTheMarble He does have an EHCP and a 1:1 at all times due to his impulsivity and lack of danger awareness.
I feared this so much about him starting school 😢
(my daughter is 7 to the poster who asked)

When DS was in reception, part of his care plan was that his 1:1 would suport him to play a game with another child 3x a week (connect 4 or snakes and leaders type games).

He later moved to an ARP, so there were more neurodiverse kids around that he found easier.

We also focused on out of school friends, which seemed to help him. We go to clubs and activities for SEN kiss, and have regular play dates with my friends kids.

They’ve been in school a week! None of them will have made any friends yet unless they already knew each other coming in.
I teach this age range. It’s very common for them to simply play alongside each other in these early days. One or two might find a common interest or game that they can sort of play together. It’s extremely unlikely he’s the only who’s not being involved or spoken to. That is just the way he has perceived it.
What are his social skills like. Will he answer when they talk to him, can he listen and respond appropriately? How flexible is in his play, will he do what others suggest? My point is - will he make the effort to start a conversation or a game? Will he join in successfully if approached? Does he have an adult to support him?

Keep in mind that he may have been playing nicely alongside other children but how he interpreted it (or your DD phrasing could be different) IE he was in a group so no one talked 1:1 with him so that doesn't fit what you asked about who talked to him alone IYKWIM but as a group that kind of thing.

Can you talk to the 1:1? Sometimes they don’t recognise that their role in the playground is also to facilitate positive engagements with other kids, because they focus on just safety of the child they are allocated to. Speaking from personal experience!
but also don’t worry. Friendships will stay super fluid for years. Being on the outside at start doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

As a teacher, you should recognise that the OP’s son being autistic answers many of your questions. As autism is a social/communication disability, he probably struggles with everything you’ve mentioned (and is possibly already aware of it if he’s showing worry about already feeling left out). The staff should be hyper vigilant of his additional needs and making extra efforts for inclusion.

To be fair to the teacher it sounds like they know way more about Autism than you do. Hence their detailed questions about how he handles specific situations, rather than your pointless generalities. Teachers get such a hard time 🤦🏻‍♂️

As a parent of two ASD/adhd children with lifelong undiagnosed ND traits myself, do not make me laugh. There are many teachers out there who make the effort to understand SEN, but some genuinely do not have a clue. As I have found out from day one with my eldest son who has been failed miserably by teachers who absolutely do not understand what it actually means to be autistic. You are lecturing the wrong person here completely.

As I’m sure you’re aware allchildren with asd have different challenges. Some manage in these settings better than others. I can’t assume anything about his child. I know nothing about him.
I don’t need bloody lecturing!
If I’d assumed anything I’d have got an earful!
Hopefully this child’s actual teachers, teachers who know him, can start to put in place the support that he needs.

Of course I am aware, but ASD as a condition is a difficulty in social interaction and communication. That is the base level of diagnosis. So to ask if the OP’s child, who has been diagnosed with said condition struggles with the very factors that are required for an ASD diagnosis is unnecessary.

My ASD child is now 14.

I tried all sorts to help him develop friendships in primary school. We invited children round for tea after school (one at a time), had regular play dates with my friends and their DC, incentivised 'joining in' at playtime rather than doing solitary stimming. I felt like I did everything I could, but, to be honest, nothing really worked until he was more developmentally 'ready' to make social connections. He then befriended my friend's DC as they had both stayed playing Minecraft (year 5). They had spent SO MUCH TIME in each other's company from age 4, but insisted they hadn't met until they were 9!

He has friends now but is still (more?) happy doing his own thing.

Good luck OP. I know how heartbreaking it feels when you think your DC is lonely.

That's my experience with my two autistic godsons -- both were comparatively late to making friends, but the elder is doing very well socially and academically at university now.

But the extent to which they find these things difficult varies hugely.
I have taught kids diagnosed with asd who can play alongside others, hold conversations that are reciprocal, follow instructions and communicate. It is only as they matures and the expectations and demands on them increase and change that they really start to struggle.
Then I have taught others who can do none of those things. Who will talk only about their preferred subjects, show little interest in working with others, who struggle with all transitions, change and demands.
All 4 year olds find social interaction and communication tricky to some degree. That’s why asd often goes undiagnosed until they are considerably older.

This thread is digressing now so I won’t answer further after this so not to distract from the op. Her son has been diagnosed, by 4 which is quite early considering the waiting period. That means he must have clearly met the diagnosis criteria that includes social interaction and communication difficulties. They will have already been apparent enough for diagnosis to be given, if they were not he wouldn’t have the diagnosis and highly unlikely an EHCP by reception age.

This is exactly what I mean by some teachers not recognising ASD for what it is and kids will struggle longer than necessary because all the adult sees is a child who can muddle along until they can’t. A child diagnosed with autism needs targeted support with social and communication needs as a basic, not as a ‘see how they go because they seem fine right now’ factor.

@Redwineandcheeseplease01 do you mind me asking how your child is doing now? Did things improve socially? X

I had a multi-prong approach for my dd2 who is on the waiting list for asd assessment.

We did a bit of coaching at home with roleplay or with small world toys to work out the sorts of things she could say when she wants to play with someone, or wants to join in.

I made a big effort to invite different kids for 1:1 playdates, and I worked hard to make the playdates fun so kids wanted to come. I found she made friends more easily on a 1:1 basis and it eased things at school.

I also asked the school to help. They reminded her about the Buddy Bench and her teacher paired her up with other dc she thought might get along with. This helped a lot.