Can you be my partner for a second?

[Terracata]

My son kicked his friend on the way out of school today. I have told him he is not having tv. He has been sobbing for the last hour. He's mumbling that this is the worst day of his life. Coughing from crying so much. I am following through with the no tv. I feel so peed off that he had such a huge meltdown in the school playground. Everyone was staring. I feel sad that he's so upset and know that taking away his tv was going to make things worse, but I can't go back on it now.

He's got suspected adhd and his behaviour can be awful sometimes. Not usually kicking or hurting though. I know he's struggling with being back at school.

Please, how do I handle the rest of this evening? I'm exhausted and don't have a partner to help out. Any advice would be wonderful because my brain has stopped functioning.

Also - all this ‘follow it through’ stuff. You can say ‘you know what Tim - that wasn’t a good punishment and I made a mistake - I’ll use a different way to help you understand when you make mistakes in the future’

Sometimes when we have been overly harsh with a punishment we say they can have a chance to earn it back with good behaviour or helping out with a chore for example

Turning off the TV for a few hours is hardly a severe punishment! He'll be perfectly safe while realising that what he has done is serious and that mum is in charge (it will make him feel safer in the long run because he will have clear boundaries that he needs to work within.) Changing your mind now blurs those boundaries. Stick with it and distract him with something else. Maybe a bath with lots of toys. Tomorrow is a new day and he can try again tomorrow.

If you didn’t say it was for the whole evening, I would say he can have some tv after you’ve had a chat about why he kicked his friend. It’s tough going back to school and a little half hour of watching something familiar on tele while he goes in into a world of his own might be what he needs.

If he understands he shouldn't have kicked and is really upset about it, I might give him a chance say OK since you understand what you did was wrong you can watch a bit of TV, but if anything like that happens again you know what will happen and next time there will be no TV.

If I don't follow through I know that he will ignore me in future. Same with if I go back on it. We ended up going to the park which was the best thing as he's knackered now. Lots of hugs and he's happy. Excited to have tv tomorrow.

No tv for one afternoon is not an overly harsh consequence! Don't back down over that. Just have the rest of your evening as normal - that will be reassuring for him.

What makes you think he’s ND? Seems perfectly neurotypical 5 year old behaviour to me…
Also it’s not a ‘whole evening’. He’d normally only watch for maybe half an hour according to the OP (a couple of episodes).

Well done OP! Fresh air and exercise was absolutely perfect, he'll sleep better for that, you stood firm on the no TV so now your DS is valuing having it tomorrow. 10 out of 10 for you OP! Now have some decompression time for yourself!

Could you do some drawing or maybe read a book? If he enjoys those they may help take his mind off not having any TV.

The OP said he has suspected ADHD in her first post.

He’s lost his ‘whole evening’ of TV - whether it’s 4 hours or 4 minutes.

Have you tried cuddling with him? Some nice tea? Asking him why it's the worst day of his life? He's sobbing. He needs comfort. When calm you can discuss why kicking when angry is not ok and that he has to verbalize his displeasure.

Also, has he been screened for neurodivergence?

I wasn't just ignoring him! Of course I cuddled him. I'm not perfect and I don't always get it right. Being a single parent who works full time is exhausting and I just needed a bit of advice sometimes as I'm on my own.

He hasn't no because he's only 5.

No TV for one day is fine! Explain to him that this is the consequence of what happened but then move on, give him cuddles and play something different with him - sounds like you’re doing this already and you’re handling it well!

Well done OP - you got through it and so did he and he might think twice about kicking next time. You don't have a partner to sat it so I will - good parenting mummy - you got this! Xxx

Let him cry himself into tiredness, he will fall asleep eventually. Now is as good a time to learn that there are consequences for violence. Tomorrow make sure he apologises to the child he kicked.

He us five. Lots of modelling hoid behaviour. Role play with teddies. Practice breathing and moving away if feeling cross

When I Feel Angry (A Children's Book about Emotions) https://amzn.eu/d/iVjTOFL

This is a great idea. Exercise and getting outside is a great way to help regulate emotions which is what he is struggling to do to right now. ADHDers struggle with emotional regulation and have big emotions that they struggle to get under control. Consequences for bad behaviour is fine. For ADHDers this needs to be immediate so you've done exactly the right thing. But it's good to balance this with a learning experience for how he can better regulate his emotions in the future. So getting in some exercise and pointing out kindly how that improves his mood is likely really helpful.

When he's calm you can also chat about what happened and what he can try to do in the future. I suspect that the incident may have been building all day and he's just lost it at the end of the day (from experience!) so you can talk about how he might recognise when he's starting to struggle earlier and ways he can manage that (or talk to the school about accommodations that might help him).

And as others have said definitely don't back down! All children benefit from clear boundaries, it makes them feel safe (even though it might not feel like that right now!). Good luck and hugs as it's very very hard seeing your child upset even if you know you are doing the right thing longer term.

"If I don't follow through I know that he will ignore me in future. Same with if I go back on it. We ended up going to the park which was the best thing as he's knackered now. Lots of hugs and he's happy. Excited to have tv tomorrow."

This sounds perfect OP. Well done! 👏

He's only 5. He still can't regulate and possibly adhd is massive amount to control esp if school is already difficult (had he had a 'bad day' and even though j know he needs a consequence do you feel you over reacted because others were watching you. I've been there with a fully tantruming 7yr old where I've had to sit on the shop floor and hold him.

Ive done lots if training through fostering and I'd do something lovely with him, when he is calm (he will need your help to get there). No more telling off, he's had that
Reassure him that he is a good lad and you know that sometimes it's tricky especially if school hasn't been good.
If you think you over reacted apologise to him, explain you got a shock etc (do not blame his behaviour fir your behaviour). Seeing this helps them understand that everyone gets things wrong and you can repair by apologising.

If he does have adhd please remember school and behaviour will be a lot more difficult for him than many of his peers and he might also be on a younger emotional age than the the others in his class

We found offering food/drink/smoothies were great for helping calming. Ice lollies etc are also good.(sucking action)

BTW sometimes I have gone back on the consequences I've given because once I calmed down I knew it was ridiculous. I've also explained to the children WHY I'm removing the consequence.

Love this.

Thank you - I’m as far as you get from a perfect parent but I have two autistic children and the same punishments just aren’t always appropriate for them.

I’m glad it’s all worked out for OP but her son will need different handling as he gets older if he has ADHD.