Belated effect of divorce as an adult child - finding it hard

[PrueHal]

My parents divorced when I was a child, I am now early 30s. When I was 16 they got back together then broke up twice more in the space of a few years.

In my 20s I moved abroad and they grew closer. My dad had a near death experience and my mum cared for him and his ailing parent as though they were still married. Other than that I never really knew if it was just romance or friendship. But they went on holidays, theatre trips, concerts etc.

The result is they relied heavily on each other and now my dad suddenly has a new partner. My mum has been ditched and now he is holidaying, going to events with this woman. When I broke the news to my mum she cried and got angry...

Now he is asking me to go to a concert in his place with her that theyve had planned for a year as he 'can't' do things with her anymore. I've told him no, he needs to address this with her, AIBU?

This is awful. I'd be really hurt for my mum. Your dad has handled this very poorly and sounds like she has been completely blindsided

In terms of the concert itself, I'd probably go - not so much to make things easier for your dad - but more so if it's an event your mum really wants to go to.

He does still need to address things with her

@silverandyellow I know. I agree he has handled it poorly.

He asked me what to do, says he hasn't even mentioned to new partner as he assumes she won't be ok with it. I honestly don't know what to advise him.

I also had dinner with both parents the other day to celebrate something for me. But if he now has this rule he can't see her one on one I worry about things being tense even when we do all meet.

The other thing is this band is a band THEY like. I think I'll be a poor replacement.

She has already said she'll be upset if he cancels.

It’s up to your parents to sort this out between them, hopefully they can do it reasonably, with dignity, and compassion for each other. I have huge sympathy for your Mum, and wouldn’t be pleased with Dad at the moment, but if you want to maintain a relationship with them both, only they should be sorting things out. It sounds like they need to establish some going forward rules, and then let you know what has been agreed. It’s always better if possible if both can maintain respect for each other, and try not to become bitter. Your Mum of course might need some support at the moment. Hope things work out ok.

Your dad is a coward. Asking you to tell your mum and take his place at the gig.

I hope your mum meets someone amazing and stops wasting any more of her life on this cowardly man.

I know @BlastedPimples

He has been a very good father to me but I'm not impressed with this at all.

He also expects me to be happy for him but doesn't seem to appreciate the anguish this is causing me. Even now she is doing things for him and I wish she'd stop for her own sake.

How could he not understand the impact of his actions. Did he really not anticipate this? Sounds like he was with your mum when it was convenient for him and may have been sending mixed messages. How hurtful! Are you an only child?

Yes I am unfortunately @silverandyellow

The other day I had a complete breakdown in front of my partner. I thought I was fine but I'm clearly not!

My mum isn't good at making close friends so I know she is going to rely on me more now. I do feel that he's just ridden off into the sunset.

Sorry but a good father doesn't involve his child, however old, in his mess of his making.

Awful.

No wonder you're struggling.

@BlastedPimples I just meant up until this point, for most of my life, he has been a good father

I don't think this is his proudest moment by any stretch.