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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex seeing someone new

38 replies

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 11:25

Before I start - I'm aware this is toxic from both of us.

Me and partner split start of this year because I found he'd messaged a prostitute but didn't go through with it. He's an alcoholic and he promised to get help. We've been back and forth constantly, still sleeping together, then saying i can't do this, he can't do this and then going back in a circle. I think both of us just desperately want to be loved and we don't handle things well.

I'm planning on moving quite far away to be closer to my family, as without him, I'm isolated - no friends or family and he doesn't want to come even though I asked him to. We last slept together 2 weeks ago, in that time he's met someone else and has told me, and he wants to introduce the kids sooner rather than later in case they dont gel well, which obviously broke my heart. Then after spending a few hours together on sunday, we slept together again.

Now when he says he's met someone, my understanding was they had met for a coffee at a soft play and was like 10 minutes. It turns out they have shared kisses and sent nude pictures to each other, so much further in to it than I thought.

Am I wrong for being so upset that he's kissed someone else, and then come and slept with me? It's 10 years of our lives shared, I never thought he'd be intimate with someone so soon, let alone then come back to me. Or should I accept it as we're technically broken up and he did say he'd met someone. Was I being naive? I'm so heartbroken every day and it isn't getting better.

OP posts:
Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 09/09/2024 11:30

I don't want to be harsh but come the fuck on! He was making moves with someone else and dared to keep stringing you along. You have every reason to be upset at this!

Move on and away from him and fully shut down anyway for him to wheedle his way back in. You need a relationship that benefits and supports you not destroys and hurts you! It's tough but you can do it. Be firm and shut him down.

You are not being unreasonable by being hurt - it does hurt. But you know deep down it's not working and it's not healthy. You have to put yourself first - ditch him fully!

Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 09/09/2024 11:33

Firstly saying he " didn't go through with it " when caught messaging a prostitute is the standard line most men caught using sex workers use. He most likely did go through with it and it won't be for the first time.

I think your plan to move back near to your family is a good one. But I think asking him to move with you is a really bad idea. The best thing for you and your future is a clean break from him. You cannot believe anything he tells you. He can't be trusted.

Concentrate on building a new life without him.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 09/09/2024 11:35

You need to move away as soon as you can. He is using you and he will have a string of new girlfriends that he will drag in and out of your children's lives.

I hope you are moving far enough away that he doesn't have contact with the children either for their sake as well as yours.

Protect yourself and stop communicating with him.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 09/09/2024 11:38

YANBU loving someone you’ve been with for 10 years and wanting him to love you. But I’m afraid this waster has been using you and would go on messing you around if you stayed near him. Do move away, for DC’s sake as well as your own.
Good luck with your move, and a happier future.

JustSaltPlease · 09/09/2024 11:38

Move back to your family. Also book an sti check x

needsomewarmsunshine · 09/09/2024 11:40

Stop sleeping with him would be an excellent start, I know from a similar experience he may keep you in reserve just in case ngf dumps him.
Cut loose from him and move forward one day at a time. It hurts at the moment and that's natural but it does get better. Think about your dc and yourself having a more settled and happier life without mr revolving door.

Octopies · 09/09/2024 11:41

He sounds awful. He wants to introduce a girlfriend he's met once on a 10 minute 'date' to your kids?! Tell him to do one.

ActualChips · 09/09/2024 11:42

Having an alcoholic who coerces sex out of prostituted women for a father is hugely traumatic for your kids. They'll need specialised therapy for their Adverse Childhood Experiences.
The awful man isn't having them unsupervised, is he?

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 11:45

Jesus Christ I was not expecting to read you have kids!

Get the fuck away from each other and stay away.

The OP is all about you. I get you're hurting but come on now, start putting those kids first.

GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 11:47

I'd be most concerned that he's barely dating this person and is already planning to introduce his children to her.

And you really must stop sleeping with this man, OP. It's messing with your own head.

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:17

When bad stuff happens I can't help but think I'm being selfish with how I feel just blaming everything on him. I was there too, I was making bad choices too 😔

OP posts:
SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 12:20

You're both as selfish as hell to put your kids through this.

You're choosing this, they are not.

They'll only get one childhood and if they think this is how adult relationships are supposed to be, you'll both fuck up their adulthood too.

GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 12:28

It's never too late to start making good choices, OP.

Clumsy12345 · 09/09/2024 12:33

What a mess. Poor kids.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 12:36

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:17

When bad stuff happens I can't help but think I'm being selfish with how I feel just blaming everything on him. I was there too, I was making bad choices too 😔

Is he allowing the kids to move?

holju · 09/09/2024 12:40

Despite your feelings, I think you know really that getting back with him would be a terrible idea. The heartbreak will fade, for now concentrate on building the best life for you and your kids and building your self esteem so you don't end up going back to him when the new gf realises what he is like.

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:42

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 12:36

Is he allowing the kids to move?

Yes, he says he's really not happy about it, but he's letting it happen

OP posts:
ThreeTescoBags · 09/09/2024 12:42

His priority in life is to have sex, and be it from you, a woman he's exchanging nudes with, or someone he's paying, he doesn't mind where that comes from. This is what stands out in your post for me.

To have sex with you it comes with, history, guilt, being faced with uncomfortable feelings, having to face up to his drinking etc which is why it's 'too hard' to be with you. His priority is sex and getting it at the lowest cost himself.

Arlobaby · 09/09/2024 12:44

Can't believe there's kids involved here. Can't believe people's bar can be so low. You'd benefit from some professional support to work on yourself before thinking about others.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 12:56

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:42

Yes, he says he's really not happy about it, but he's letting it happen

Then run!
No matter what you both think there's no way either of you are stable healthy parents right now

You are piling on the ACEs foe your kids here.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 09/09/2024 12:59

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:42

Yes, he says he's really not happy about it, but he's letting it happen

Then get your children moved ASAP before he changes his mind.Get his agreement in writing & do whatever else you need to do to make it legal.

He's an alcoholic for a start, I would MOT be happy with him having unsupervised contact with the kids.

He wants to introduce his kids to someone he doesn't even know himself yet.

I get 10 years of this co- dependent relationship feels like forever & it's hard to stop being that persons go-to person, but your children (& you) deserve far better

Take them to your/their family now, like this weekend. Hire a van & go, if you have a car, ask a family member to fly/train down & drive the van.

you can sort schools/job out when you get there.

Just GO.

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:09

Just4thisthreadtoday · 09/09/2024 12:59

Then get your children moved ASAP before he changes his mind.Get his agreement in writing & do whatever else you need to do to make it legal.

He's an alcoholic for a start, I would MOT be happy with him having unsupervised contact with the kids.

He wants to introduce his kids to someone he doesn't even know himself yet.

I get 10 years of this co- dependent relationship feels like forever & it's hard to stop being that persons go-to person, but your children (& you) deserve far better

Take them to your/their family now, like this weekend. Hire a van & go, if you have a car, ask a family member to fly/train down & drive the van.

you can sort schools/job out when you get there.

Just GO.

I have to wait for a mutual exchange in Social housing which can take forever. I can't afford private and don't want to lose the security of social housing. I just need to give my head a wobble I think. It's so hard

OP posts:
SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 13:10

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:09

I have to wait for a mutual exchange in Social housing which can take forever. I can't afford private and don't want to lose the security of social housing. I just need to give my head a wobble I think. It's so hard

Didn't he move out to his mum's before and then you asked him to come back?

Get him to move out again and put the kids first this time.

PassingStranger · 09/09/2024 13:13

Move away and move on.

Didimum · 09/09/2024 13:22

I sympathise with having to deal with a really unstable person with kids in the equation, but, OP, you are making some seriously fucked up decisions here – stop sleeping with him – like, now. Just stop it. What is wrong with you?

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