“Single mum”

[BonneMaman77]

This is a genuine question.

I hear many women saying they are single mums, when the ex is still part of the kids’ life.

Custody arrangements vary, from 50/50 to every other weekend. The latter where the kids are young, the ex couple agreed she will work fewer hours and take on more childcare and he pays mortgage, childcare and her maintenance.

I am curious as to why they describe themselves so and if this is the norm now if you’ve split with kids?

They’re single and a mum. Or they may be dating but no longer with their child’s other parent. It’s not inaccurate even with a 50/50 care arrangement.

Lone parent is often used where the other parent isn’t involved at all.

the ex couple agreed she will work fewer hours and take on more childcare and he pays mortgage, childcare and her maintenance

Yes, when you're not dealing with an arsehole... the majority of single mums need to work FT or multiple jobs to make ends meet.

My ex sees our children every other weekend, has no input into their care/schooling/general wellbeing day to day. I work full time to keep a roof over our heads. I certainly consider myself a single Mum.

Because they are single and a Mum.

I don't think it's to do with being single, because if they were dating someone who wasn't the other parent I think single mum would still be reasonable to use.

OP I think this is where the distinction between single parent and lone parent comes in. When I read/hear lone parent I assume no involvement at all from the other parent. Single parent may have involvement to varying degrees. I'd say a lone parent is a type of single parent, so "single mum" encompasses everything from no involvement at all from the father, to a fully involved co parenting situation.

This comes up so much, you could just search and find the threads about it. It'll be everyone pitted against each other in a race to the bottom, as per.

It's nuanced. I have my kids 50/50 but in terms of my financial position, relationship position etc etc I'm very much single. And I'm a parent.

There are single mums - those who are not married who have children, whether full time, 50/50, or whatever.
There are lone parents, who have no partner at all, whether because they are not at all part of the child's life, are dead, or only existed as a donor.
I think most people who use or hear 'single parent' understand the meaning as above. 'Lone parent' is sometimes used instead, but would be inaccurate. I think the same applies to the more recent 'solo parent', thought that seems to be used more in a casual temporary way, as in 'I'm solo parenting this weekend because DH is away'.

Was literally about to comment this!

Yabu.
Single parents are parents who have split and live alone, even if it is 50/50.

A lone parent has no contact with the other parent and does it all 24/7.

I had a 50:50 arrangement with ex. The years I spent single I very much considered myself to be a single mum. I worked full time and had to support a mortgage, bills and my share of childcare costs on my own. If my car broke down or I needed to replace my boiler I didn’t have anyone else’s income or practical support.

They’re a mum who is single - single mum.

What gets me is the solo parent thing. The person in your example is not a solo parent.

Some people even use ‘solo parent’ when their partner is just away on business or whatever. My husband being away for a week doesn’t mean I’m a solo parent like my friend who has been alone since pregnancy and her child’s father is nowhere to be seen (not even financially).

There's a difference between single parents and lone parents. Lone parents are completely alone. Single parents may share custody with their children's father.

As a single mum it’s highly likely you will be disadvantaged in some way, whether or not you are a lone parent or not. Even if the other parent is actively involved in childcare and making a reasonable financial contribution it’s likely you will have to deal with challenges that a parent who is married or part of a couple will not experience.

This is why I prefer to refer to myself as a lone parent as my ex isn’t involved at all. Very different to a single mum and I don’t really refer to myself as a single mum.

A single parent is a parent that is single.
Usually the only adult in that household that is responsible for the house hold. You could be a single parent with a boyfriend or girlfriend that you don’t live with.

A lone parent is someone who parents with no input from another parent.

Who can be arsed explaining ‘I am a lone parent, but not single as I have a partner who doesn’t live with me’?

Or ‘I am single and a parent who co-parents with my ex, but also has a non live in partner’.

Theres no hard and fast rules. My cousin was technically a lone parent. But she and her kids stayed at her mum and Dads most of the time, rarely going home and her parents provided her with endless childcare and money. She had more support than if the father was involved. It worked for them for a time.

I wouldnt expect my cousin to come up with a term that says she is lone parent but actually parents with her own parents. Or go into detail about the set up unless very relevant.

I’m interested to know what else you would call single parents OP, because this is what they are.

Surely being single doesn't have any bearing on the amount of time a parent may have with their child as it’s to do with their relationship status.

I do see lots of difference of opinions on the definitely of a lone/solo parent though and whether someone who has a financial contribution or shared custody counts as they aren’t really doing it alone, and in some cases are similar to someone whose partner works away for long periods.

This is why I describe myself as a 'lone' parent. As I am completely alone with no support (financial or practical)

I would a presume living in a home as the sole parent as the only grown up in charge of their children means they are a single parent (mum or dad)

A person without a partner is single without children so would having children change that?

And why on earth does it matter anyway?-

I’m not stereotyping more generally. But I have a friend who has her child 40% of the time, her ex pays maintenance and she got a mortgage free house as part of the divorce. Child is 12. You know when she has the child as her Facebook is filled up “single parent” quotes and she’s constantly posting about “how to cope” and needing “urgent childcare” for critical (fictitious) medical appointments. She does my head in.

Nobody even responds anymore!

Ha ha ha. You're funny....

All of the 50:50 arrangements I know of involve the dad collecting their child, plus a bag of clean and ready clothes, doing his "50%" and then returning child with a bag of dirty clothes, usually missing several socks, having stuffed that child full of pizza and ice cream, and not checked their homework is done.

Or just delivered child to paternal grandparents and left them to it.

I am a single mum. In the last 16 years I have done every school run, nativity play, parents evening, sports day, hospital run including a nightmare 36 hours in paediatric ICU. I've applied to every school, shopped for every pair of shoes, organised every school trip, every child minder, every inoculation, dentist, gp.

I've covered every illness, organised every holiday cover, made every birthday cake, organised every party, sorted every swimming lesson, every club. I've arranged ds' passports and Covid vaccination records.

I have sat through every homework struggle and negotiated with the schools over bullying. I have rushed DS to a&e when ex returned DS to me with a badly infected 4 day old dog bite.

I also work full time.

My ex morphed into a sexist carrogant tosser who can't possibly help because 'he works' . As if I don't. My ex does 20 nights a year and 6 hours a week when he feels like it.

I am a loving committed single parent. He is not even close.

Single parents and lone parents are different things.

I'm a single parent, but I'm not a lone parent.

How is that difficult to understand?

Most single mums I know have been well and truly abandoned in every sense. They have to apply for child maintenance and work more hours to cover childcare. The dad picks up the kid(s) one or two Saturdays a month, because they need to have a life too! Most dads who leave are arseholes who afandon all responsibility, I'm sure some good ones are out here somewhere.

I used to be a ‘lone’ parent (by your definition) before I met my current partner, my ex wasn’t involved before but I called myself a single parent - I’d never heard of ‘lone’ parent before I came on MN.

@Lizzie67384 it's a fairly common term tbh, surprising that you've not heard it.

Even if contact is 50:50, when you are parenting your child in that situation, whether you have a BF, partner, whatever, you're still a single (1) person doing the parenting during that time, so I don't get the OPs confusion or annoyance with the term single parent.