To not want to attend surprise celebration

[Surprise76596]

PiL live abroad. One has a big birthday coming up. BiL (who lives in same country as them) invited us to join a celebratory weekend. I said (via DH) that I was not comfortable w surprise element. Not a good idea for older people, definitely not right for PiL, and also I think anticipation is part of the pleasure. I was assured that 1 PiL was ‘in on it’ and happy w the plan so went along with it.
Now it turns out that neither PiL knows we are travelling to join them for the w/e (w young children).
I think they won’t like the surprise or the noise of the kids, and I find the idea of ‘popping out and saying hi’ really awkward.
I really like PiL, and BiL so I dont want to be difficult or a party pooper, but nor do I want to spend my weekend travelling for an awkward experience.
AIBU to not want to go?
If not, how do I get out of it diplomatically?

Isn’t it up to your DH really? What does he think? Thinking of BIL… I’d be pretty annoyed if my SIL thought she knew my parents better then me, That said- people do get it wrong and as is always quoted- it’s an invitation not a summons- just make an excuse though, don’t blackmail bil into changing his plans so you’ll come

Just go, it's not for you to decide whether or not they like surprises- yabu and overthinking it.

perhaps you’re right but I don’t really think it’s your call to make. I’d imagine PIL would prefer you jump out from behind a sofa than not go at all.

YABU

I agree with you.
They wanted to do this for my gran and the ‘surprise’ would have involved people staying with her and even arriving from America. I was glad when someone accidentally spoiled the surprise (or I would have done it on purpose tbh). She was 80 and with a heart condition.

Just turn up and smile

You're making this about you, it's not. It's also certainly not for you as a dil to be deciding if they'll like it or not. With respect, try taking a step back and leave it to you bil and dh who may know more about this parents than you do. Your job is to show up for your dh with a smile on your face.

I certainly wouldn’t tell ILs what to do. DH agrees w me but doesn’t want to rock boat w BiL.
As someone said, it’s an invitation, not a summons. I’ll let them crack on and make my excuses. The whole set up (travel, accommodation, surprise element) is too much for me. I don’t have it in me to smile at much these days.

I'd suggest dh gives them a heads up and checks they are ok with it.

"I don’t have it in me to smile at much these days"

You need to deal with this. You sound depressed. Not in the best state of mind to be making decisions.

A holiday may do you good.

Tbh it sounds you are looking for an excuse not to go for your own personal reasons.
not your parents so not your business.

Are they planning to jump out at them from a darkened room and frighten them? Or just have everyone seated at a restaurant when they arrive? Big difference. I think you are making it a bit all about you and there are other factors at play here

We organised a surprise lunch for my dad’s 80th. All his siblings were at the lunch table in a restaurant when he arrived. He loved it and it meant that he didn’t fret about the arrangements beforehand as he would have done if he had known. He had a heart condition but seeing his family definitely didn’t kill him.

It’s up to your DH and BIL you are an extra in this side show unfortunately.

even if it is a bag of crap
a. The thought was there
b. It only one weekend

the only thing I’d really put my foot down over is jumping out of a dark room and terrifying your elderly PIL - that’s the kind of thing that could give someone a heart attack and is really not sensible!!!

Tldr stop looking for excuses and just go with it. We all (unfortunately!) Have to do things we don’t like 😣

edit: missed the update
I don’t have it in me to smile at much these days
this is a bit alarming… is this impacting day to day life with your children and husband? I must laugh and smile with my children a 100 times a day

They are planning to have us all stay in a rented apartment, so PiL will arrive thinking it’s a group of 5 (them and BiL family they see often). Not sure what the plan is about when they work out that the group will be 10! There is a meal out at some point but that’s the evening so I guess they’ll have seen us by then.
If it were just a meal I’d find it less overwhelming I think.
Sure, I am dealing with the anxiety which has flared up suddenly over lots of things. But for me the game changer was finding out yesterday that neither PiL is aware we’ll be there - I’d been told months ago that one was in on it.
We often go to PiL for Christmas at their invitation, and it almost always ends up with them shouting (usually at DH) over something small, as actually, although they want to see us, they find the disruption a bit overwhelming (understandably).

Yes. It’s not your call whether it’s ’not right’ for your PIL. You clearly don’t want to go, but don’t pretend it’s out of altruism.

Fair enough! I’ll make my excuses and let them enjoy their celebration their way.

I’m with you OP. Surprise things don’t generally end well and a surprise visit & stay is way more overwhelming & troublesome than a surprise meal.

I would be making my excuses too (but this is not something either mine or DHs family would ever do)

Don’t go but as it’s a big birthday then will PIL be disappointed you aren’t there to celebrate with them.

Can you have an honest chat with BIL? Could you have a separate accommodation to reduce the impact of kids/noise/chaos and give you your own space?

Go and be supportive. It's a big birthday and your in laws will be happy to see you!

You sound like a real kill joy. I've had surprise parries for lots of old people and they frigging love it

You don't want to go for your own reasons. Stop trying to say it's for your pils.

10 in one apartment?
Shouty in-laws?
Sounds like a disaster in the making to be honest.

The worst of Mumsnet. Condescending, snippy, and includes an armchair diagnosis. 👏