Birthday party argument

[Db82]

Hi, first time posting, after some independent views! Married with 2 girls (12 and 9), my wife and I are finding ourselves in a pattern of arguing over things I think aren’t that big a deal but she really does. I realise there’s often deeper stuff underneath the trivial and we are trying to work on the relationship, so maybe that’s the answer. The most recent incident last week was as follows: She was ill for c10 days with a bad bout of Covid. It was the youngest’s bday party that was going to involve 6 five year olds at our house for a party for a few hours. Wife expecting to still be out of action and the weather was looking bad so i planned some games and enlisted the 12 year old to help out (she has the potential to play up on occasions like this so wanted her on side). She was great and asked me to buy a pack of sweets that she could use for prizes for some games she was going to run. This seemed so innocuous to me! The next day when my wife found out she was not happy that I had changed the plans and done this without consulting her. I felt like it’s not really a change of plan and not a big deal. I seem to wind her up a lot with things I do and it’s hard to work out if it really is that annoying, she is being unreasonable, or she’s arguing about this but really it’s other stuff at play! Interested in any perspectives, thanks!!

What was your wife’s original plan? In what way was having some games a change?

It sounds perfectly reasonable from what you’ve said, but I also think there’s a piece of info missing, ie what the original plan was.

There must be some back story here, why would she be upset a packet of sweets for prizes.

But then I am still😲at the 6 year olds party going ahead with your Covid wife upstairs.

Why did you have six 5 year olds at a 9 year olds birthday or am I missing something?

This^ was my first question as well.
the second one is about Covid and party at the same time.
And the third one - what was the original plan?

The plan was always games at our house! Just not particularly involving big sister as a helper to run some of the games. Seemed v minor change I thought

Sorry yes nonsense from me there! They were all 9 year olds, sorry for confusion!!

She was a good couple of weeks into Covid so was out and about etc just not feeling up to running the party as she’d taken a bit of time to get over it

Honestly, my default assumption when a man takes to Mumsnet like this is that they’re after, “there - told you so, you are the problem” ammunition, not genuine advice.

No matter how “reasonably” they write it.

You say you’re working on the relationship. I will say that threads like this aren’t the best way of doing that.

potential coercive bullying aside from a male poster regarding his wife.
should this be a scenario in my home; the person in bed has relinquished all responsibility for the said party and the adult taking over is at liberty to change up the event as they see fit based on their comfort level.
i could see my dh changing the venue and the food and the kids having an epic fun time doing something quirky like fishing (in the rain) and eating nitrate ridden hot dogs with carb loaded fake buns. all the moms would 100% know this was run by dh and accept the mud and lack of goody bags, whist dd may or may not have moaned.

Thanks, some fair points for me to think about, especially the last paragraph. Haven’t meant to offend with the nature of the post, but potentially I have. My instinct is that the arguments we’re having over ‘trivial’ things are really to do with the bigger things, but I’m finding myself confused at times. Appreciate the comments though anyway

Wow! Who hurt you?

Do you and your wife have problems communicating in general OP? Only I get the impression that although she didn't feel well enough to handle the party herself, your DW still wanted to be involved, but didn't tell you that? If that is the case, then I don't think you were unreasonable to plan a party that you felt able to handle with the help of your older daughter. However, if your DW often complains that you don't tell her your plans, or you are a poor communicator, or other complaints of that type, then she's trying, although poorly, to tell you that you need to express your plans clearly and always keep her in the loop. I believe that in your own way, you were trying to take ALL of the pressure off of her, by doing your own thing, but if she's spent months planning the party, and you've totally changed things without discussing it with her, then you ARE being unreasonable. Which is it?

I don’t know what you did wrong OP. She wasn’t up to it and left it with you. You then killed two birds with one stone by involving DD.

Maybe she was pissed you handled it too well? And she wasn’t missed as much as she thought she would be.

Never underestimate how much some women love to martyr themselves and come to the rescue 😂

Thank you for the post. Yes I would say we do struggle sometimes - I misjudge what’s important to let her know etc. On the party the plan itself was all agreed together, it was the change to involve the 12 year old a bit more actively and to have her giving sweets out for prizes for games she would run for some of it that I did independently

@Db82 and see i find the post by @FranceIsWhereItsAt to be controlling.
having an adult double check to ensure my whims are followed at an event i'm not able to attend would drive me up the wall nuts.

Sometimes post virus people can feel quite depressed and get upset about things that wouldn’t usually affect them. I can’t say if that’s happened here of course but it’s what happened to me after I had swine flu whenever it was that was going around (was it 2010?). It was really awful!

So your wife's objection was that your 12 year old was running some games and giving out prizes? On the face of it, that seems unreasonable. Was this just because it wasn't the original plan? Or because you didn't consult her? She sounds somewhat controlling unless there's a big back story here.

In view of your response to my question OP, it does sound like your DW has over reacted somewhat, as you clearly haven't changed all of her plans. As a matter of interest, did your DW find out about the minor change of plans before or after the party? If after the event, then I think she was totally unreasonable to complain, and if beforehand, she could have just said that she would have preferred you to consult with her before giving your older daughter more responsibility, or whatever it was that she objected to. It really does sound like you have deeper problems to me, and that you both need to work on your communication skills. Are things so bad that it might be worth seeking counselling?

Thank you, she found out before from the girls (so felt a bit like we’d come up with something without involving her). I think it is the deeper issues as you say. Yes we have tried counselling but kind of got stuck. We are trying again now to work through various books etc, I’m just trying to work out if we can genuinely break the pattern we’ve got into as it’s quite unsettling to have seemingly small things I do unknowingly turn into big issues (but hopefully if we sort the underlying issues then that won’t happen in the future, who knows!)

Thanks, yes could be a factor and she’d been apart from us all for a couple of weeks (not completely apart but I mean we’d been getting on with things while she was in bed), so maybe feeling a bit isolated

Thank you. Yes it was that I didn’t tell her and that she found out from the girls it was happening