To chase ex for maintenance after death of his mother

[spanieleyes22]

So ex's mother passed away nearly 10 days ago now. He owes me 4 months maintenance: last time I asked him for it was when his mother was in hos - I didn't know she was in hos when I texted him - and he was so mad with me saying how could I ask him such a thing when his mother was sick. I haven't asked him for the money since. His mother was a good age over 90 and death not unexpected. Am so broke now. Have about 20 pound to last 2 weeks til I get paid again. Should I ask him again. Don't know what to do but am getting desperate.

How is his mother being ill and dying connected to his ability to help feed his children?
4 months without contbuti g? Of course you should ask him again. Does he pay through CMS or is it a private arrangement?Whichever, he’s using his mother’s death as an excuse, how disgusting. He should be ashamed of himself.

Maybe try something as soft and fluffy as you can manage;

'hey ex, I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. I know it must be a really difficult time for you. For us, the truth is that we're struggling massively without your contribution the last 4 months. Will you be able to reinstate it soon? Your contribution actually helps pay for alot of ( child's) needs and we're lost without it '

See what the reply is and try pin down a specific date. Is it right you have to do it this way? No. Is it often the best way to get what you need though? Yes I really believe it is.

I don't know what the CMS do when parents stop paying. I mean you wouldn't be wrong at all to go down that road if the above approach doesn't work. Always try the nice approach first 🤞

Yes that's my thought exactly. He lives in Ireland and it's a court ordered maintenance arrangement . Usually I have to chase him but I felt guilty.

Yes I think I will do that . The funeral was last Tuesday so maybe on Wednesday I'll contact him. That's a week.

I can't sleep. Am on my banking app trying to money that isn't there! Asked for increase on credit card but it was denied🙈

He is being a dick here but your description of what he's doing is like a child reaction. He's just playing on your guilt probably knowing you'll respond how he likes.

It can be very difficult to do the suggested type message but a mixture of kindness and being assertive can be the best way with men who are very childlike inside. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The only word you might need to remember is sensitivity - just being sensitive to this situation. It's more likely to get the outcome you need for you and child.

I'd personally send it tomorrow OP. It is not unreasonable if you are sensitive and approach it as suggested. You have no money left. Come on,it's ok to ask now. I'd be getting onto CMS if he doesn't respond favourably to that approach!

The reality is - if you lose a parent tomorrow - does that going to mean you don't have to pay anything to care for your child anymore?! No!

Well exactly ! I know what he will say that he hasn't been able to work because of his mother therefore he has no money and how can I even think of asking such a thing at such a time

In short, yes, you have every right to chase him. In fact, as you have a child, you have a responsibility to chase him.

My DM is on her last breaths. I'm staying at her's overnight to watch her - as she sleeps, I Mumsnet - because she could go at any time.

The thing is, she and I and my DSis too have done all we can to put her affairs in order.

DSis and I have been extra about our own affairs too, because we know the admin vortex will descend when she dies.

Your ex, if he gave a shite, would have done the same. He'd make sure maintenence and bills were paid so that he wasn't interrupted!

But he didn't. This is probably just a convenient excuse not to pay. His poor DM.

If that's the case you're going to have to definitely try the nicely nicely please help us approach as suggested. After that I seriously recommended you contact Child Maintenance. He may be lying about his earnings and if he is paying tax, they will know and see directly how much that is.

You have got to get savvy now. Come on. You need to get some money somehow so don't give up trying to find a way. He sounds a bloody nightmare.

Don't you already have a thread about this?

’i must have forgotten when your grandparents died and naturally you were all left to starve to death as you couldn’t expect your mum to continue parenting- wait, that never happened. Would your mum be proud of you now? I’m not even asking you to parent, just transfer the money so I can parent and feed our kids.’

Mind you I’d phone and say that so he doesn’t have a written record of it, as if you don’t know him well it makes you sound like a jerk. If you know the background it sounds perfectly reasonable.

Ill or not ill, he’s got worldly affairs that need looking after. Sorry, but just because someone has passed does not mean life stops for those still alive, with responsibilitties.

OP I’m so sorry 😩😞 what an absolutely horrible situation to be in, and his child… my god. I could not imagine being a “man” and going on like this. I honestly just could not. The shame… disgrace. Wow.

are you able to ask your employer to pay you for the days you’ve already worked? I hate how delayed payment can be, specially when people are living paycheck-to-paycheck.

I remember seeing a similar thread to this a few months ago. He needs to pay the maintenance he owes you. It is his responsibility as a parent. I'd wait a week and then contact him. You can feel sad for him that he lost his mother. But you shouldn't feel guilty about asking for maintenance. Try not to confuse the two. Express your sympathy. Remind him of his responsibilities. Just remember that if you do both in the same message your 'sympathies' will seem insincere.

If he got mad with me I would be telling him straight - she hasn’t been dead for the last four months! Pay what you owe for your kids. it’s court ordered , so you need to report any lack of payments to the court and they will enforce it.

Especially given that she was 90, not unexpected etc. Life does go on and as a pp said, you're not asking to have the kids for any time and actually parent, just transfer the maintenance they are entitled too.

Honestly, I do not have time for idiots like this.

He hasn’t paid for his child/children for 4 months - what a loser.

I would message him NOW tell him the children have absolutely nothing to live and that you NEED a payment.

Next step: legal advice, court, wage arrests etc

@Firefly1987 Yes, they've been separated for 15yrs and op has a thread about wanting half his inheritance

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea ohh I wasn't even thinking of that one, I didn't realise that was her! I thought she posted this exact thread a few days ago where ex had said how can you ask for maintenance when my mum is so ill etc.

my bad you're right it was in updates in that inheritance thread she mentioned maintenance.