Party Etiquette

[Yerto]

My daughter is turning 5 in a few months and one of her school friends mums has asked if we want to go halves on a joint party. This seems to make perfect sense to me as we’d be inviting a lot of the same kids.

We should have room to invite some kids who aren’t in their class as well. Now usually I would invite her friends from other clubs/my friends kids/family etc. but with the class as well, plus the other child’s cousins and friends, it’s going to be way too many people. The other mum is having the same problem with numbers.

We were wondering whether is it unreasonable to just keep it as school kids and family only to avoid worrying about who to include and who to leave out over their other friends. Would you be offended if one of your friends said kindly that your child wasn’t invited as we were limited on numbers and wanted to prioritise the school friends/family

Likely next year I will do something much smaller but this is her first year in school so I did want to invite the whole class. I’ve asked my daughter and she obviously wants everyone and the kitchen sink there 😂

Keep the shared party just for the class at school. If necessary, cousins etc could come to your house for cake on a different days.

For friends at clubs etc, I wouldn't mention a party at all. Saying "there's a party but you can't come" is rude so better to discuss other topics.

Everyone does it differently. You could keep it to school friends but do something else with your friends children so they are still part of the celebrations, same with family. I’ve done both and I found one big party much less hassle. What’s your plan for the party? Would it change much if you invited everyone?

My son and DIL have this issue, 7/5/2 year olds. Last year I suggested they stop including family, at 5/6/7 they want their friends not extended family. So they now do a party for just friends as near to the birthday as possible. Then we have a little family get together the weekend after (but then I love doing a family get together and hate children’s party’s did my share of that with my own 😂)

It's all in how you phrase it. I wouldn't say to someone that they/their child aren't invited because you are prioritising other people. That's a bit tactless.

I agree with PP that I wouldn't mention it. If the topic comes up, I would just say that you and another parent are putting on a whole class party as it's a good way to get to know other parents.

I would do something separate for families and only invite very close friends. Agree a number of non-school friends (say 4 each) and just don't mention the party to those who aren't invited.

Remember not everyone from the class will come. In my experience, it's usually around 2/3 to 3/4 who can make it.

I only thought that as it will No doubt come up in conversation about the kids parties, or be asked what we are doing for her birthday etc as we have a party every year.
have thought about seeing who comes from the class and then inviting others based on that maybe. It’s hard because I like to return invites and include everyone but I just don’t think it will be possible.
My list came to 24 and there’s 24 in the class so that’s 48 without any of the other child’s own friends or family . Obviously not all will come but it’s risky to invite 60/70 kids on the basis some will say no surely?

I feel like this would be easier in the summer if we could have a separate park/garden party 😂

Keep the shared party for just the class mates (plus the siblings of the birthday girls).

Do something else for your family/friends .

My DC has a birthday in a few weeks and we are doing exactly this - going halves on a party and only the class are invited (and siblings as most of our preschoolers are also friends)

we are only doing a few hours 12pm-2pm and then once we have cleared up we are going to my mums for cake/nibbles with the grandparents/aunties etc

spreads it out a bit for the birthday boy and also means they can see family for their birthday without the party being too huge

If I had a shared party I think would have the shared party friends only and have family over for birthday cake separately.

You're having the joint party because they're at school together. So keep it mainly school.

I'd make up numbers with people you know outside of a big group, eg two neighbours but not two cousins out of a bigger group. Basically, inviting none of a particular social group is better than picking a few and the others feeling left out.

Agree that a class party is best kept to just the class.
Why not do an open house day for family and close friends? Invite anyone to drop round to yours at some point one Saturday afternoon for cake and nibbles.

You can’t really have a shared party with family and outside friends there. That would be quite odd and the vibe would be all wrong as each child will have lots of people at their birthday party whom they don’t know at all. You need to abandon the idea of a shared party altogether and have one big party for everyone you want to invite, or have a shared party just for school friends and do something else on another day for other people.

“What are you doing for X’s birthday?”
”We’re having a joint party with the children in her class.”

Job done, drama and second guessing not required.

I think your maths is a bit out anyway. If both kids are in the same class of 24, then that's only 22 invitees between them (class minus two party hosts), not 48.

Just re-read your post and seen you want the class plus 24 "friends and family". That's an unusually high number of non-class invites, I assume nursery friends still invited your DC to their 4th birthday parties.
TBH it's not a problem to stop reciprocal invites for nursery friends when starting school, nobody really minds and at 5 most of those children are not close friends anyway, just "nursery friends" who'll lose touch this year with starting school.
In most communities there is a lot of overlap between nursery cohorts and school class, it's odd to start school as the only one from your nursery.
Even if you weren't doing a shared party it would be too many for a 5th birthday party. The usual rule of thumb for numbers of child's party guests is their age plus one (or a class party).

We invited the whole class when DD was 5. It was really nice to include everyone but very noisy!! We hired an entertainer in the end to keep them busy for an hour or so and then calmer craft activities on different tables plus birthday tea. It was full on, pretty expensive so joint party is probably a good idea in terms of keeping the costs a bit lower. I am a teacher and my best friend a head teacher of a primary who helped me and we joked that it felt like a bit like school for the two hours but we did allow them to just have fun, overall!

Incidentally, Two of the parents blindsided me doing a ‘drop and run’ of their 4/5 years old. I s’pose as my day job is teaching they thought it would be ok but I was not best pleased really! One told me her son’s dad would be picking them up on his motorbike!! I had never met the boy, mum or dad before. The mum said could I make sure he goes with the right person? Oh and this particular child had an allergy so could I also make sure he didn’t eat any food containing X…. 😆😆 my DH was put in charge of keeping an eye on the 5yo - DH was not best pleased but did a really good job! But the mum was a CF. At 5 most parents stay in my experience and are really mindful and nice.

Have fun and do a separate little family/friends birthday tea if you and your DC would like that. 🎈🎂

Bear in mind at least 10% will likely decline. I'd have a high end number in your head let's say it's 30. And say there's 22 in class, there's an option to invite an additional 4 each.

Alternatively don't invite whole class, each have 15 guests who can be class or outside of school.

I think OP means she has 24 potential invitees who are not part of the class to add to the 24 classmates.

IME, the transition to school is the time at which parties change from being family and friends to school only.
DD had a joint birthday in reception. We invited the 28 other children in her class, 10 or so from the other class who DD and her friend had been at nursery with and then a couple of others from that clas who we knew. Their party was the first week of October to, when we gave out invitations in the second week of term, it was too early for them to have made meaningful friendships.
We did a separate family thing after school on the day of her birthday (not a great success - she was shattered!) and, as two of her nursery friends had gone to another school, had those two plus one who had gone to her school (and so had been at the big party) over for a "party" which was really just a play date with cake, party bags and a few games.

I'd do just the class. If you invite family then that's a harder pill for friends who didn't get an invite.

If shared party it's shared friends so school friends and birthday child siblings. Hope your daughter has a lovely party