AIBU to think that a funeral / cremation should follow the wishes of the deceased?

[rickyrickygrimes]

One of my closest friends died last week. She has been ill for a long time. She is survived by her children (her husband died 10 years ago). She has been very specific about her wishes for her cremation: immediate family plus about 4 close friends only (I’m one of those friends). Invite only. The service will be short: 30 minutes max.

We were also colleagues. I have already had two very upset colleague complain about not being allowed to attend the cremation, including our boss who feels he should be there to represent all our other colleagues.

personally I feel that her, and her children’s wishes should be respected. But my colleagues are of the opinion that funerals etc should be for anyone (within reason) who wants to mourn the person that they have lost.

there will be a bigger memorial event soon, that everyone will be invited to.

YANBU. There are multiple threads on this topic.
I'm so sorry about your friend, OP - friends are truly important people in our lives.

Your colleagues can have funerals that are open to everyone then.

Your friends children are the important ones here, their wishes override everything else.

So sorry about the loss of your lovely friend 💐

I thought this was going to be about close family wanting something different from the wishes of the deceased. I think if the deceased and the close family all want the same then it’s a shame if other people can’t go, but it’s reasonable.

I think it’s much more difficult if the deceased said they wanted something but it really isn’t what some close family want. I actually think that the best thing to do is what makes the close family of the deceased feel the best.

When the family don’t agree with each other though, that’s more or less impossible (as I found out when my parent died last year). It was very upsetting and even though it’s all in the past and can’t be changed I think about it quite often.

I am sorry for your loss.

I won't be leaving any suggestions or requirements for what happens to me after I die. I won't be there, it's not up.to me. I think it's quite selfish to make demands when you're alive about how you are remembered when you aren't even going to be there to care.

In general, I don't really think the deceased's wishes should necessarily always be followed (using this situation as an example, if the children wanted a larger more open invite funeral, I'd support them in that).

Obviously here you have the family in agreement with their mother, so it's all their wishes being followed, and I can't really believe colleagues are complaining about how people who've just lost their mother are handling the funeral!

It's possible to mourn someone without attending their funeral. Your boss is being ridiculous. Why can't you be the representation for the company as you're invited anyway? It's not about the boss or your colleagues. They should wait for the memorial event.

I'm of the opinion that funerals are for those left behind. But by that I mean those closest to the deceased.

In this instance the wishes of immediate family concur with the wishes of the deceased. The wishes of former colleague's don't trump this!

A memorial service is already planned so they can pay their respects.

In this case where the deceased and the family have planned and want the funeral a certain way, it should absolutely be respected. Your colleagues can mourn for her privately ( maybe light a candle at the time of the cremation) and/ or at the memorial event planned.

Working in the funeral industry, I have come across situations where people have turned up "uninvited" and it's lead to nasty scenes outside of the chrem.
I would point out to your colleagues that's all they were...colleagues and that attending would be disrespectful of your dead colleague and the family. I'd point out to the boss that it would be showing the company as uncaring and arrogant if they showed up.
Clearly the person did like them otherwise they wouldn't be invited to the memorial service. But the funeral is about the family, their grief and the deceased wishes.
Since Diana died there seems to be a need for everyone to feel the most sad, to be hurting most when in reality, they aren't. I've seen people pushed to one side in what is almost a grief competition.

Colleagues can go to the memorial service because that has been planned as the public event. They don't need to gatecrash a small family funeral and force the family to make polite conversation or be seen crying.

If there were no memorial service, colleagues might have a point. But there is and that is the event they should attend.

Sorry for your loss.

I voted yabu. It's all about what her children want. Not her. Not your colleagues. IMHO.

I find it weird that some people feel the deceased shouldn't have the final say in their funeral and instead their family should. I think it's a privilege to honour the wishes of someone you love who has passed away. It's their departing wish, very few things are more sacred than that. I've heard stories of people who weren't laid to rest where they wanted over families changing their wishes and that would haunt me. Due to losing my late twins at birth recently I've specifically made it clear I'm going in with them and I would hope my family in time will honour that. I may not be alive to see it but it's important to me. It will be in my will.

Of course her and her children’s wishes should be respected. Your colleagues are being very weird. Who begs to go to a funeral they’re not invited to unless they’re a very close friend or family member?

This.

Funerals are very much for those left behind.
I do think most people need some sort of 'coming together' after a death. Look at the rise in 'vigils' since funerals and Church services in particular have become less common, or less expected.

I have only ever once come across a situation where anyone wasn't welcome at the funeral (oddly, that was a former colleague), and, of course I respected the family's wishes, but it felt a little odd.
I got so much comfort from the people who attended my parents' funerals - especially people that I either didn't know or it wouldn't have occurred to me to invite.

I think the deceased's wishes are irrelevant as they are dead. Funerals are for the living. Funerals SHOULD be an opportunity for anyone who wants to to attend and grieve and show their respects. There's very good reason for that. A funeral is a ceremony to allow people to process their grief. That's the only point of it. I think the wishes of the direct family are more important but I do think it's selfish to dictate who can attend. Lots of people knew her (presumably) and will be grieving, not just the immediate family. They should be allowed the opportunity to process their grief too.