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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner Texting Female ‘Friend’

21 replies

horrorcicada · 07/09/2024 20:31

Looking for a steer in the right direction as I’m tormenting myself with this.

DH attended an industry conference back in July. Came home really excited, said he learned a lot and met great people, which is great for him and I was happy to see him so motivated.

I noticed he was texting a woman he met there. I would see notifications pop up on his phone and accidentally saw some of their messages when I opened his phone to check the weather app (this isn’t unusual, we might use the other’s phone to quickly google something). I wouldn’t say it was flirty, but definitely not the type of texting reserved for friends. It reminded me of the way we would text when we met.

Around this time he starts taking Spanish learning more seriously - he had been learning casually but after meeting this Spanish speaking woman, he is starting to practice more. She is always the first story on his app when he opens IG, she has FaceTimed him in the night before… nothing too threatening and this woman lives overseas, but somehow it doesn’t feel right.

I confronted him and he says they are just friends. I noticed he has muted her messages so notifications don’t come up, but they are still texting. I’m loathe to check his messages, but I know he will see her again in November at the same conference. Do I have reason to be concerned? I want to believe him when he says everything is fine.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 07/09/2024 20:34

Try talking to him and explain how uncomfortable you’re feeling.
the way he reacts will tell you everything you need to know about his long term intentions….

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 07/09/2024 20:42

Nip this in the bud now. It’s a very slippery slope to a full blown affair.
Muting these messages suggests he’s being secretive. Also a slippery slope.
That is enough for me.
Would I be prepared to leave my marriage for my husband having a new female friend that he’s cagey and secretive about? Yep.100%
I ignored this kind of behavior in a previous relationship, thinking “it’s just a friend, maybe I’m being too controlling…” yeah… when it soon wasn’t “just a friend” one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was that I KNEW my instinct were right but I ignored them anyway.

Nothanks17 · 07/09/2024 20:59

I read this out to my other half for a male perspective (my friends will ask him for advice) and his face said it all, you should be concerned.

This is unacceptable

D12troop · 07/09/2024 21:01

She's giving him excitement and a hard on.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 07/09/2024 21:06

This is dodgy, dodgy shit and he knows that or he wouldn’t have muted her messages. Made a new friend indeed!! He wants to sleep with her, let’s be honest.

Overbythewaterfountain · 07/09/2024 21:16

Have a read of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Shiningout · 07/09/2024 21:18

Funny how these blokes always make 'new friends' that are usually young pretty women isn't it.

lemonyellows · 07/09/2024 21:19

Ask him how he would feel if you were behaving like this with a man you met at a conference.

JennaRink · 07/09/2024 21:28

I had similar OP. He was excited about all the 'great' people he'd met at a specific conference.

Then he was off to meet her when we were supposed to see each other and that was it. I served him an ultimatum and would have walked if he'd chose seeing her. I don't know if they ever speak but I nipped it in the bud.

He knows says he was very stupid and thoughtless but if I'm honest I do have more an antennae up now having trusted him 100% before.

Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2024 21:32

I’m honestly not really the suspicious type and have no general issues with friends of the opposite sex but this is as you say the start of something. He might not realise it but it is.

I’d be extremely unimpressed by his behaviour.

XChrome · 07/09/2024 21:36

Conferences are a very common place which affairs start.
I'd be deeply suspicious.
I wish I had been suspicious of that when my ex came home from a conference seeming strangely elated, but I knew nothing about any woman he had seen there, so I just figured he had a good time with his coworkers. If I would have snooped on his texts I would have found out five years sooner and have left, saving myself five years of abject misery. He got meaner and more neglectful the longer it went on.
The moral of this story is trust your gut. If it feels off to you, don't second guess yourself.

horrorcicada · 08/09/2024 20:12

Thank you for your comments, I am so grateful for the support of this community.

I feel validated knowing that this would be unacceptable to others. The final red flag came at dinner the other day – I got up to use the bathroom and could see him messaging her to mention that he was out for a birthday dinner. It would have been the perfect opportunity for him to specify he was out with me, but no such luck 🫠 he chose to omit the fact that we were there together.

Although her living overseas means nothing physical can happen for now, it’s clear to me that he is ‘keeping her warm’ despite his insistence that they are just friends. Next step is figuring out what to do with this information… wish me luck.

OP posts:
Luntcips · 08/09/2024 20:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Diarygirlqueen · 08/09/2024 20:18

Wishing you massive luck, def listen to those posters who've been through this. I would find this so disrespectful and hurtful, you deserve better and to feel safe in your marriage. All the best, I hope it works out for you.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 08/09/2024 20:20

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Not sure about that, it's probably just a common problem?

Had to laugh about the 'weather app' leading to discovering the content of the messages though. That's a new one 🤭

OP, I'd be inclined to follow my gut on this one. You really need a heart to heart with him.

Luntcips · 08/09/2024 20:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MinnieDelight · 10/04/2025 19:44

How did things pan out for you @horrorcicada ?

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/04/2025 20:39

I’m pretty relaxed about friends of the opposite sex and I some of my closest friends are men but this does not look good OP.

horrorcicada · 11/04/2025 01:31

MinnieDelight · 10/04/2025 19:44

How did things pan out for you @horrorcicada ?

Not well. I confronted him and he told me he would stop, but just muted the conversation.

Eventually he did stop, but ended up cheating with someone else anyway. I should have seen it for the red flag it was.

OP posts:
MinnieDelight · 11/04/2025 03:22

Oh gosh I’m so sorry. Your instincts were right. I hope you’re recovering ❤️‍🩹

Swiftie1878 · 11/04/2025 04:42

I’m so sorry. Your instincts were totally on point.
Hope you’re doing OK. 🩵

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