What’s wrong with having close friendships with men at work?

[Woul67]

I work in the City, and most of my peers are male. Our place of work is high-pressure, toxic, etc., and naturally, since you work together, you offload to one another, do coffees, lean on each other for support, seek advice, and give advice. You tell each other all kinds of personal stuff. On my level, unfortunately, all sector heads are male, and I am close to one of them in particular. He’s a good, supportive colleague, and he calls me often for support and equally goes out of his way to help me. For context, we are both married and middle-aged.
Now that we are back in the office with more people around, there were some comments on how close we are. It’s just irritating. He is close with another male colleague, but no one ever comments on their relationship. So what is a woman in the City supposed to be doing? Not having any close work friendships?!

There's nothing wrong with it. Some people are just bored and assume you're shagging as they are incredibly narrowminded

Absolutely nothing wrong with it, I actually work in a more female dominated field but done of my closest colleague friend are male and my best friend outside of work is male, we've known each other our whole lives, platonic mixed sex friendships are completely possible but if you say that here you get called a cool wife. Which is an insult....

Meh. My best mate is a man. He is also my boss. We are both happy in other relationships and there has NEVER been a suggestion of anything between us. No one comments about it at work.

Or, they do, and they're just very good at keeping it behind our backs

Nothing. I was friends with male colleagues 30 years ago, and it was irrelevant. They were just mates.🤷‍♀️

Glad to hear it. I have no issues with it either but some bores at work making remarks.

It’s only an issue if it’s an issue for your spouses. Tell them to immediately stop propagating gossip.

People will always gossip

I work in a male dominated environment and loads of
people have commented on how well I get on with a certain colleague. I think it’s always been in jest as a lot of people feel intimidated by him but the truth is that we sat next to each other, worked together, are often on the same wavelength re. Things we find funny and he refers to me as his “work wife” as we have the same first name and I probably nagged him about his messy desk a bit too much.
Absolutely nothing in it beyond a good mates at work type relationship!

Nothing … but some people read anything other than behaving like a robot, as an “emotional affair”.

I go on work trips, our for drinks, stay in the same hotel as, talk to, laugh with, both male and female colleagues. Sometimes even text outside work hours, and share stories of our lives.

I’m not shagging, and won’t be shagging any of them.

Nothing wrong with it. I've always got on well with men and had close male friends. Some people love to gossip though.

Ignore them. If you're not having a clandestine affair, then fuck what they think. It IS possible for men and women to be friends, without a hidden agenda.

If they made comments in front of me I'd say calmly, 'Unprofessional and immature. Please don't repeat that comment to me or I will be speaking to HR'.

I'm also middle aged and take little shit. You've said the place is toxic, so this is not unexpected - but deal with it calmly and don't ignore the sly little digs.

I suppose it just depends on people’s experiences of workplaces and workplace relationships. I also work in the City in a heavily regulated financial services industry, have good working friendships with several colleagues; but I’ve never known colleagues - either same or opposite sex - to routinely have relationships as close as the sort you’re describing: so it probably would strike me as a bit intense and intimate.

I wouldn’t say anything, because I’m not particularly invested in what other people do and even if my colleagues are banging people other than their spouses I’m still not that interested anyway. I think you just need to ask any gossipers calmly to say to your face what you’ve heard they’ve been saying behind your back, and raise it with HR yourself if it makes you feel concerned.

I have worked in banking my whole career, and these close relationships are normal, especially when the place is toxic. My DH cannot understand all of it, nor can he relate to it. Plus, after a while, he gets sick of listening to it. I am good friends with a lot of colleagues, but this one is on my level, and we work together a lot. He’s not normally kind of friendly to others, so maybe that’s the issue. But nothing apart from the friendship is happening here.

And I am open about it to my DH. I don’t know if he’s with his wife - I don’t know his wife. Nor I need to know.

My best friend at work is make and he's even god parent to my children were that close. We initially had comments but always ignored it and 15 years on we don't get comments anymore. Just ignore them

I’m not doubting you that it’s absolutely just friendship or that it’s the norm for many in your industry (I’m insurance, we have our own shit!) - but it presumably isn’t entirely the norm for everyone, or your colleagues wouldn’t give it a second thought and be talking behind your back.

I think you do have to make it clear that you consider this workplace bullying and will be taking it to HR if it doesn’t stop, regardless.

The comments are sly—oh, how come he is so nice to you? He only speaks to you, so I don’t think I could be reporting that.

A lot of it is projection, like if the woman happens to be single/attractive/young over her being older/mumsy/gay or whatever .
You can see this in threads all the time, the context being does he find him or her shaggable?

There is an embarrassing amount of typos in my last post, but you get the gist 🫣.

The comments are sly—oh, how come he is so nice to you? He only speaks to you

Yep, you can still address them. Say, 'Grow up' in crisp tones if they make a comment like this. They are relying on you not daring to call them out. Some useful phrases might be 'Do you have a problem?' 'That feels like a dig - what's your issue?' 'Perhaps we could focus on work, rather than your little innuendoes?'

Ensure you don't smile, you don't look in the slightest bit amused, and you don't look like you'll take any shit. Raise an eyebrow and give them a cold hard stare.

I worked in a place in the City with the exact same intense, toxic culture. Got three close male friends at work and we would offload to each other (one called me their work wife) so very similar situation.

One by one they all confessed they liked me and asked me out or made a mood (we are all married). By the time the third close male friend did this I thought "FFS" and now I don't have any close work friends.

I'm not sure if I'm happier without close work friends to vent to, but at my level everyone else is male and at least I've avoided an affair.

We have been friends for 4 years, and he has never made remarks like this. He’s 10 years older and looking forward to his retirement!

Thank you x

I’m old and retired but in my experience women generally think it’s a friendship but the man would, if he got the opportunity, take it further.
Seen it happen numerous times.