Teenage behaviour normal ?

[Timelessp]

I feel so worried at my dd13 behaviour
I feel like she rules our house it’s just me and her and I feel like she screams shouts and swears when I don’t do what she wants
I bend over backwards for her she doesn’t do any jobs to earn her pocket money yet I keep giving in
she goes on and on non stop about take awaya
yesterdsy I picked her up and offered to buy her the jacket she wanted she just screamed at me and told me she didn’t want it.
tiday I have left her to lie in brought her breakfast then I found dirty stuff around and asked her about it, because it’s something she keeps doing, she actually started screaming and swearing it wasn’t so I told her that her phone is going away until she can stop swearing. She refused to do it and shouted, screamed and called me names. I took the phone then she started following me screaming and shouting. I do regret that I said she could go to her dads but I just feel so beaten down. I don’t have any help or anyone and I feel like my days are running around after her and she’s grateful for non of it and doesn’t want to do anything to help (even asking her to do the slightest thing usually results and screaming and shouting) I feel like the worlds shittest mum and I look on Fb and maybe it’s cos I can’t offer her these nice family events everyone has. My family have no interest in us, my mum has mental and physical health needs, and I only have 3 friendships as I have lobe parented and worked for so long iv never had time to go to events or anything.

I don’t know how to turn any of this around and it makes me feel so depressed I feel like maybe if I had family around me it would be different.

You’re a really lovely mum but you need to
look after yourself. You don’t exist to make your child’s life happy and in doing so you’ll make you both miserable. She may not seem it but she really will feel better with calm, enforced boundaries. Do it now before it’s too late. You’re in charge, you are the authority, you don’t need her approval to parent, it’s ok to make her unhappy sometimes as it’s not our job to make our kids happy all the time. You are a good mum, you have the right to be happy, to be in charge, to enforce rules and do what you know is right and to be treated with respect. Sending lots of supportive and encouraging hugs.

Thank you so much. I have burst into tears at your reply.
I don’t think I even know how to do these things anymore.

Don’t expect too much of yourself right away. It’s so hard to unlearn these habits. Just remember every time you say no or prioritise yourself or don’t try and save her from unhappiness right away is a little victory. Plus you’re teaching her how to look after herself by setting a good example of how to be a strong confident woman. You can do this.

When you are in an expected pattern of behaviour it's very difficult to see the wood for the trees.

Practical suggestions as a starter. Don't try to placate her with expensive gifts. Stop that today. You don't have to say anything to her about it, just don't offer to buy her jackets or other stuff.

Regarding takeaways, set a weekly or monthly budget and stick to it. It's not unreasonable to say no to takeaways in financial grounds. "No, can't afford it, already spent X on X" was a common saying in our house.

Boundaries and stick to them.

Don't do anything you'll regret if it gets rejected or if you expect gratitude and validation. So sure let her have a lie in in he morning, but why buy her something nice for breakfast when she treats you like that?

Why comment on her room just as she wakes up? Having a nice breakfast - why ruin a positive moment with a downer?

Why instigate the offer to buy the jacket when she didn't bring it up? Was it to get gratitude from her, to hold over her in a "if you are good...",

Why say she can go to her dad's if that ends in poor behaviour - is there a reason she isn't free to go as pleases now she's a teen?

This is nothing about being able to afford big events and everything about how you choose to interact with her and your timing, turning mole hills into mountains. How you interact with her is causing the situation to escalate, you then escalate with her. It's causing massive downer and putting you both in a negative spiral. Really try to phrase things differently and to pick your moments, it will take practise and it will take time (months) to make a permanent change but it will be worth it.

So sure next Saturday let her lie in, buy her a nice breakfast to share, give her time to wake up and then as you are pottering around tidying ask her in a non confrontational way if she needs a hand with her room or is she going to do it herself? Drop off a trug with duster, polish, surface wipes fresh bin bags etc so it's clearly expected that she does it but you don't nag at her and give her the chance to ask for help, whether you think she old enough to do it alone or not., if she allows you to help that's a great bonding moment where you can chat side by side and find out what is going on with her. Tell her once she's finished you bought ingredients for X cake she can come make it with you when she is done.

Also don't discount potential MH issues if that is common in your family, they can be hereditary as much as caused by trauma.

I offered the jacket as she needs one and told me the other day she found one. So I asked her which one and she started screaming shouting it turns out as she has had an argument with a friend. But the issue it’s it’s constantly like this I don’t know when I can speak to her and when I can’t.
and I dropped her in breakfast then came up about 3 hours later. And the thing she had on the floor was gross, staining her carpet and something I have asked her about millions of times before. Even before that she had shouted at me even when I go in her room. And she really kicks off when I try and put in bohnfaries with the phone at night.
I said about her dad because I felt desperate and I need some help. She wont go to anyone else though and right now I feel exasperated because I’m on my own with this and I’m so tired of being screamed at all the time I’m constantly trying to think of things to do or see and she doesn’t want to do any of them which I get on with but do I actually need to be sworn at about it. It just wears me down and now I feel like completely withdrawing everything I do like lifts everywhere etc because iv no time for me or to do anything

I have a 13 year old and he’s not allowed take the phone upstairs at night. He’s a great kid but I know he’d be on it half the night and cranky the next day.
I would start with that new rule and make it clear that if there’s kicking off over it the phone is gone completely for a week.

Are you getting any support from school or the GP?

Her behaviour isn't typical of a happy child of her age and there's clearly something keeping her escalated and in her flight or fight mode. Her nervous system is dysregulated and needs calming.

You also need to look after yourself too so make sure you find time in the day to regulate yourself, meditation, reading, cup of coffee, potter outside so that you don't come up to her level and can keep your patience for as long as possible.

Re the phone: just take the charger, let her watch it dwindle down and she can have it back when she talks more appropriately to you.

Yes I will try these things I worry she is completely addicted to it. And I give in 1. Because she is an only child 2. Because I’m sometimes tired after work and 3. I don’t have any family or anything popping by or in our lives so I don’t want her to feel isolated or alone I just need to work out how to break this cycle and become more social again or do things together we did used to when she was younger but it’s so difficult to organise anything now as she does kick off and it’s got quite embarrassing when I do meet friends I feel like iv just not been able to keep everything going so iv given up on some things

Honestly feel like iv really let her down now

Currently she is refusing to eat because she wasn’t hungry when I made lunch and I asked her to then make her own. She’s decided nothing in the cupboards is what she want and so wanted to walk to the shops In a belly top whucg I have said no it’s not appropriate and even worse she wants to go alone. So now she has said I just don’t want her to be happy as I also haven’t offered a lift

She sounds very challenging and it sounds like you desperately need a break. Do you work FT and if so, do you have annual leave to spare? I wonder if taking a couple of days to yourself for some headspace, while she is at school, could help. Or could your daughter go to her dad's for a weekend? Then don't get jobs done, just concentrate on looking after yourself until you are feeling less trapped, less overwrought, calmer.

You can't be the adult, respond with your thinking brain rather than your emotional one, until you are in good place yourself.

You’re being made to feel guilty which is the opposite of what you need. You clearly live your daughter but you need to calmly assert yourself and stop trying so hard to be her friend. Look after yourself.

Star firm and keep saying no. You can do it.

My DS was awful at that age, he is still tricky but honestly 12 to 14 was hellish.

Timing is everything I've found. If he is chilling by himself I try not to interrupt even if he is doing something stupid like making a mess, as he gets really angry. He has a habit or barging in on me shouting about stuff when I'm relaxing or reading in bed and it enrages me too. So in a way I get it. I approach gently and say excuse me can I talk to you for a minute and if he says no I come back later. Anything is better than a screaming row. It's not ideal and sometimes I'm scheduling conversations just to tell him to wipe down the counter after himself. Sometimes I send him a text, because he says I never told him stuff.

You haven't let her down at all. And it's not my intention to make you feel that if I have. I worked with teens for a long time and it was drilled into us with students with challenging behaviour not to escalate our own reactions, it's really hard but it does work it just takes time, practice and down time for you too.

But why can't she go to the shop in a belly top? It's not that cold and it's in her wardrobe so why have clothes she can't wear? I would have just said "That's a good idea could you grab us some bread and milk, it's a bit chilly out you might want to pop a shirt over that" and leave her to make her own decision.

You need to build moments of positive connection into your lives, so why not give her a lift? Pick up something nice for you whilst you are there and often teens open up on the car ride.

Boundaries are incredibly important but so are those moments of connection. Do you find yourself praising her or recognizing her being good / positive behaviours, or are you stuck in a negativity spiral which is easy to do?

Did you really take her breakfast in bed?

Hi @Timelessp ,
I just wanted to show some solidarity - it was uncanny reading your posts as every single detail resonates with me. Exactly the same situation here- only child, same age, same behaviours, same reactions & difficulties. Zero input (including financial) from 'dad'. Nothing works, except giving in. Trying for assessments for ADHD/PDA etc.
Solidarity 🌟

Thank you. I’m sorry you have it too. It’s Hard being on your own in a one parent family as you have to be everything all at once. When they are an only child you do have to be their friend sometimes too and I try my best to make a happy home environment as I never had that and I hate it when we argue.
we have both been for a drive now, had a cry apologised to each other and had some dinner together. She is stressed with friends etc but says she didn’t realise it at the time. Think we have had an emotional off day and hoping tomorrow will be a better ones

Yes lol I really did I always do on a Saturday

I think I do praise her a lot and sometimes there isn’t a great response. She see’s a lot of things as criticism when I’m just trying to get her to learn hygienic positive habits

And no I wouldn’t let her go down the shops in a small belly top. As lovely as she looks we live in a shit world. She is 13 and big chested and I don’t feel it is safe for her to go out dressed like that on her own. She has belly tops for gym or when she is in a protective environment. Different clothes for different settings and occasions