How to have confidence and stop people pleasing? I thought I would be so sore of myself by now

[Lostil]

I’m late thirties and since having my daughter (now 3) my confidence has plummeted. Not specifically looks wise, although that’s taken a hit too, but more so in my decisions in life, big and small.

Another thing is that I constantly feel responsible for other people’s feelings. I worry massively if I have upset someone or said something they could interpret wrongly. I won’t give examples but I have really embarrassed myself in the past by checking if someone has been offended by me etc. I suppose it’s a huge problem with people pleasing?

It makes me feel so overwhelmed. I never truly just do what I want. For example DP could say I should choose where to eat out and I would have to double check he was happy with where I’ve chosen etc I couldn’t just choose and have that choice for me. A silly example but it’s this sort of thing. I suppose I don’t know how to be selfish or stand up for myself either, especially at work. Will I ever get better at this?! I feel I should be by my age.

You will get better but you need proper strategies to do it. Some counselling may help. The problem with people pleasers constantly seeking reassurance is that they are exhausting to be around. You need to recognise that your behaviour is causing a complete opposite reaction to what you are trying to achieve.
It may be worth digging a bit into causes for this. Compassion Focused therapy can be great (you can get Paul Gilbert workbook on Amazon, although, in my experience, it is better to do under therapist supervision).

It might help to reframe your thinking of why you try to please. Ultimately, you think you behave as you do because you’re trying to please other people; but actually, you’re trying to please yourself - by trying to ensure not having to feel awkward or upset or other negative emotions if somebody dislikes a choice you’ve made or something you’ve said. Mostly, other people aren’t pleased by people pleasers: I find it utterly infuriating when somebody won’t make a decision and tries to foist it onto me because they don’t want to hear criticism of their choice; or I can’t get a straight statement out of them because they’re mincing their words all over the place; or they constantly ask for reassurance which I’m expected to give; or they say yes when really they’d like to say no, and then there’s fallout later as a result. It isn’t pleasing!

The majority of people appreciate it when those around them say what they mean, and mean what they say. If you communicate clearly and confidently without trying to second guess people, you’re actually less likely to offend or upset them; a clear and confident communicator is also more likely to gain others’ respect and confidence that they are not somebody who will have been actively trying to upset or offend.

Have surety in your choices. Worry less about the what ifs. Believe that at a basic level, nothing bad actually happens if people think invisible thoughts in their head about you. That’s their issue to carry, not yours.

First two responses are on point. I read this last week which goes into good detail on the impact of people pleasing behaviour. The book may be worth buying?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/24/oliver-burkeman-book-extract-meditations-for-mortals-people-pleasing