(sorry could be long)

[Cosmo74]

to get the full picture I need to give some history - DH joined footie team about 2 an half year ago just after I had DD(2 1/2) we have DS(8) too - i didn't mind when he joined but after match every Saturday boys would stay out for pints - at start he only stayed once in a while and I would usually pick him up at 7pm but then it start to get more regular and he would be out until about 10pm then come home full just as I had sat down with a little drink after kids were in bed and all tiding up was done - to add to it he would never tell me he was staying out for pints until the night before or that morning so it would usually cause a row cause I maybe had planned to do shopping etc.. with us all or take kids to park for some quality time. This wasn't working so we made a deal that he would only stay out after footie every 3rd Saturday even though I wanted once a month - but I comprised! but now there seems to always be an excuse someone birthday, big footie match, rugby ( i didn't even think he liked rugby) etc.. but the thing that has really pee'ed me off this time is that it was my birthday yesterday so for my birthday he got us a weekend away next weekend - he is not due to go out tomorrow but he said cause he will be away next weekend and the weekend after that I am working he will not be out for a month so he wants to go out tomorrow cause the united match is on when their footie is finished! i wasn't happy with this cause anytime the has went out more often that we agreed i.e friends birthday he never said to me that he would miss the day out with the boys and stay with us to make up for it, but I tried to compromise and say that I would pick he up after the match is over at 7pm so he would have time to spend with me and kids before they went to bed but he said no he would come home at 9pm but that means drinking from pm to 9pm kids would be in bed by time he comes home - well DD would be - and he will be rightly on so not much quality time with me and DS.

we both work full-time but I get early train so he gets kids up and dressed and out to childminders and then he is home before me so usually has DS homework done by time I come home, on Friday he hoovers and polishes and helps out with cooking but I am I being unreasonable about the weekends - Is it just cause we both work full-time I feel guilty that we should be spending our weekends with kids and doing family things. I am not even going to go into the fact that once he is our the next day is usually a wipeout cause he is hungover and we are usually rowing cause of the state he came home in.

Am I being unreasonable or it is just that our marraige is over?

Any help advice appreciated not matter how honest it is.

Boy that was long - hope it makes sense.

Do you get any time to go out with your friends and do stuff that's just for your enjoyment? if so then it's fair that you and your DH should both have some free time to do what you want.
However, if he goes out all the time and you never get the chance to do anything that isn't about 'family' stuff then he is being a selfish twat. If he's a competent dad (which it sounds like he is) when not hungover, you need to pick a moment and then just go OUT leaving him with the DC and come back when you feel like it. Parenthood is not just the woman's job, done for the benefit of the man.

I have just started this last year going out a few times with work colleagues but it usually means staying over night cause I live an hour 15 mins drive from work - I stay with one of my female colleagues and her family but the last time we were going out he said could I come home cause I had stayed over 2 during December and January - Xmas do and our boss of 10 years left for a new job so we had a night out - but last bus is at 9pm meal was booked for 8pm so I didn't bother going! He is not so much as a control freak - I am start exercise classes this week too - he trains on Monday and Thursday night so I decided to go to class on Tuesday and Wednesday nights - it is just I think he would be happy for me to go out more as long as I came home cause then he would be able to go out with the boys and I couldn't say anything - I should say he is the only one of the boys who meet on Saturday that has kids - the rest of his group who had kids doesn't go out anymore - I do not want him never to go out either but sometimes get the impression that he would rather be with friends than me and kids? and when I tried to talk to him tonight he just kept saying it is no big deal ! I told him it was to me but he just ignored that [hmm}

Hmm. Why is it such a big deal to you if once a week or so he likes to spend some time neither working nor doing 'family' stuff? If I didn't go out and do non-mother stuff at least once a week I would go bananas: domestic life has its limitations after all. And it really does sound as though your DH is happy to take turns with you when it comes to leisure time so I think YABU a bit, sorry.

yes but it's not once a week is it - it is all saturday afternoon and night and on sunday he is hungover. That is the whole weekend except sat morning.

no, YANBU.

If its only every 3 weeks then YABU
Everybody needs a night out once in a while.

My DH leaves the house at 7am and isnt back till 8.30pm every weekday through working. He plays football once a week and goes out with his friends once a week too.

Sounds like your DH spends plenty of time with the kids in the week, and does his share of housework too, so he deserves a break. (as do you of course... perhaps you are pee'd off because he gets time off on his own and you dont... in which case i'd say its more that you need to arrange some time out for you rather than limiting his!)

Amidaiwish: but it's not every weekend either and he spends other time with kids and does housework and lets his DW go out regularly.

Hi Cosmo,
I've just broken up with my dp over a similiar issue. He was out training twice in the week and then always out for a match followed by drinking all day on a Sat and sometimes Sunday. This carried on for three years and I just got sick of feeling fed up over it. The choice was made easier for me as he is not my dc's father. Tricky though because as he isn't their father I didn't feel I could say 'You should be spending family time with us'. But then, he did choose to go out with a single mum so knew what he was getting.

I think that a night out every few weeks isn't a big deal at all. But you should get a night out too. It is good that you are going out to classes in the week but the trouble with this is you don't get many evenings together. I don't know how people sort this problem out. A friend of mine sees her dh one evening a week - and he pushed to start up martial arts on that evening! Finally she put her foot down.

Unfortunately it seems as though someone in the relationship always has to police the other over how much time should be spent as a family. Utterly depressing at times as you don't want to be forcing him to spend time with you. He should know for himself what is reasonable.
Grrr. A sore subject with me at the moment!

I'm worried at the line, "or is it just that our marriage is over". Bit dramatic. You must think there's more to this than just footie and boozing... Are you feeling that he's bored/fed up with you and that's what is impelling him out the door, with his single mates?

If you encourage him to go out even more, he'll start wanting to stay in with you. So never do a pouty bottom lip and look all crestfallen he is spending time elsewhere unless you want him mooching around the house out of guilt, not enthusiasm. Look happy he's going and get friends over while he's out. If he feels he's missing out on fun at home, he'll self-correct.

Also, is the 'family time' you want, actually fun? You mentioned shopping: I don't thing it's that unreasonable for anyone to think there are better ways to spend time than trailing round the superstore with whinging kids in tow, buffeted by the rest of the slack-jawed herd, after all. (No reason why you should do it either, shop online or something).

ooh blimey maybe it's my eyes but I found that OP very hard to read, I think I need paragraphs! But if I'm right I think you're saying that he is out much more than once every 3 weeks as you agreed?

I'm with madamez on time away from family actually being really good and really important, and you should be getting this too if you want it!

However if he's out EVERY saturday afternoon and evening and is then wasted and no use on Sunday at all, then that is basically buggering up every weekend and I don't think that's a great experience of family weekends for the kids. So I wouldn't put up with that.

i would certainly put up with my DH going out every sat. night if he wanted to but I would expect him to be fully present on Sunday - no drooping around with a hangover.

well he did go out and guess what he still isn't home. I have had a trip to hospital today with DD as she has been unwell all week - he said he would be home at 9pm 9:30pm but still isn't.

We had a row before he went out cause I tried to comprise with him and asked if he could come home after united match at 7:30pm but he just said that it was no big deal cause he would not be out with boys for about a month - he has booked us a weekend away next weekend for my birthday - which was on Thursday - not that he would want to spend time with me for my birthday!

I cannot help think that my marriage is in more trouble than I think - or maybe I know! and just do not want to admit!

I have been out a few times this last year with work colleagues about 3 but cause I work so far away it means I stay over but usually go to work the next day - but he always throws this up in my face saying at least when he goes out he comes home - but honestly when it gets pass a point I would rather he stayed with his mates so he would not bother me when he comes home - I guess that shows there is something wrong in our relationship!

Don't know what to do cause he is a brilliant dad and does help around the house but as far as I am concerned I don't think he put the effort in but then again do I with him!

Be careful of what you wish for. In an effort to do something with our DS, my DH volunteered to coach DS's fooball team. For the last 5 years DH has been out most Sat mornings and some Sunday mornings,is out every Wednesday night, attends league meetings every two weeks and spends the best part of 2 other evenings a week on football team related admin. I constantly have to answer the phone to parents,estranged parents, other team coaches, league officials and every new coach requiring disclosure (DH is disclosure officer for the league.)

As DH is so unavailable during the football season, guess who has to do everything else herself? You've guessed it.

Still, I wouldn't change a thing. Except perhaps the ENDLESS phone calls....

My OH plays cricket which is the most ridiculously long and drawn out game known to man. They meet around 10 am in the morning and games go on til around 9 at night, followed by beers etc so basically he is never around on saturdays.

This does wind me up because we both work full time and the weekends are precious but then I figure it's good to have hobbies and interests and is only one day a week and I like to think if I had something similar I wanted to do he would support me.

I really feel for you cosmo

This is how my marriage has been for years. He does spend time with the kids but does it as quickly as possible (half hour max) so he can say he's done it and then does his own thing - football, cricket, computer for the rest of the day and night.

I've tried talking things through with him but the rows that follow aren't worth it so now either I spend time/take the children out or he does (with PIL) ,never doing anything together as he so resentful of the time he could be doing his own thing.

I don't think it nessecarily means that your marriage is over - it depends how much of a problem it is to you. I'm use to it now and although my DH's behaviour has killed any love for him I once had, I would be worse off finaically without him and also wouldn't like to not be able to have a certain degree of freedom that him being there gives me

I hope you can sort this out

Think I'd be pee'd off if I kept being told that things I was concerned about were "no big deal." Clearly not to him, but if they are to the OP they need addressing.

FWIW dh and I do very separate things during the days at weekends. I am quite happy with this tbh as we both need our space. I can think of nothing worse than dh and I taking our two sons for a shopping trip - all sorts of stress and arguments would follow.

Mind you, doing separate things was our pattern even before we had children - I think it's one reason why we have been together for 22 years!

For us, spending time together at home in the evenings is what keeps us together but even so, Dh often pops out for drink locally, just for an hour or so. I would not be happy if he was out for hours every Saturday evening. (Though he did used to go out more and has mellowed with age).

From what you have said, I think there is lots going for your marriage and your dh sounds like he helps quite a lot - certainly not a cause for a break up IMO.

Can you start planning some nice stuff that you can do by yourself at weekends with or without your dh, and please don't feel guilty that you should all be spending all your weekend time together. IME lots of happy families do not do this.

Clam, you have a point. If it really makes you sad and upset that your dh is not around more, it is a problem that your dh needs to sort out with you.

For me, it is not such a cause of angst (much as I love my dh).

Sorry to say this but i do think YAB slightly U. - Reading your OP your dh does do a lot with the kids, both in the mornings and evenings. And quite right too!! However, if it was the other way round and you did mornings, evenings and work full time we would be saying 'how dare he refuse you a day off one day a week!'.

You should speak to him to say you don't mind him going out on a Saturday but you do have a problem with him being so hungover that Sundays are lost too - if he can't get up and do family things on Sundays then Saturdays will have to go. That's the sort of compromise you should be making IMHO.

As far as you both being out 4 evenings in the week, thats more cause for concern. Could you each do one eve each a week leaving an evening for a date night or some such thing?

Thanks for all your post - he did come home eventually - don't know what time at though but at least he didn't wake whole house - he was sending me text messages at 2:30am to say he loved me and the kids but I just cannot help that he is only saying that cause it was the end of night and he had his fun and thinks by texting that I won't be mad and everything will be OK. I do not doubt that he loves me and the children and know he helps about the house - but as I see it, it should not been seen as helping me cause housework sould be a joint think if you both work full-time - I am starting to do term time so will be off all July and August and I will not expect him to have to come home and do housework as I will have been off all day - hopefully this will make things a bit easier on us. I just wish he could go out and come home when he says he is coming home and still be in some sort of state to sit and have a chat and drink with me.

As far as us both being out 4 nights a week - he has footie training twice a week once from 7:15pm and the other he does not leave until 8pm - the classes I am joining are from 8-9pm so we do be in the house together until we leave, there is no way he will skip one of his training nights - I suspect I will not always make my 2 classes a week but I know I need me time which may make me deal with all the other stuff better ?

Thanks for all you posts