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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about going on holiday with baby & partner's family??

29 replies

Showbel · 07/09/2024 08:01

Hi all. Just read a thread on here about how awful it is going on holiday with a young baby and now I'm panicking. Aibu to be worried?

For some context I've been with my partner 9 years, we're engaged, have a baby who will be just over a year old at the time of the holiday.
We go to a different UK holiday park each year with his family for a week, it's always really nice, he has a few uncles and his grandparents come as well as his mum and brother. The entire side of his family basically. His uncles are all married, one has two young children, so for the most part the previous holidays activities have revolved around them (natural). But everyone is free to do their own thing as well if something the children are doing doesn't suit them.
His auntie who has the two young children - brings her family as well (sister and parents) so they help out with childcare for them.

My partner's brother and mother (i'll call her MIL just to make reading this easier) usually stay in a caravan with us, but this time round I've insisted we have our own.
MIL has been really great since baby has been born, and clearly adores her but I have serious concerns that she won't be there for childcare on the holiday. She has multiple health problems and has frequent naps throughout the day.
My partner has made it clear that the holiday is also 'his holiday' even though I have clearly told him it's unlikely to feel like a holiday like it used to.

I am also, probably selfishly, worried about myself. None of my own family will be there, they would naturally offer to help with childcare. I exclusively breast feed, so I'll be up most of the day/night anyway, though I do know she will feed a little less at that age. And when MIL comes to visit, even now as baby is 10 wks old, my partner thinks it's his time to do nothing, so does the bare minimum and leaves me to do everything.
I have postpartum depression symptoms but not been officially diagnosed, but gp has told me to go to counselling. So I apologise if this post comes across harsh or selfish. Feel free to tell me if I'm being unreasonable and if so, little things I can do to make the holiday easier for myself?

Poll- Aibu to be worried?

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 07/09/2024 08:11

Well, I think you are right to be worried. You definitely have a DH problem.

The old line “when they show you who they are, believe them” comes to mind and you are now being both shown and told. This is your future.

What you do with the information is up to you.

Sapphire387 · 07/09/2024 08:16

When is this holiday, OP?

I think the issue lies with your partner. Holidays are not the same with young children. If this is 'his holiday' then when is YOUR holiday?!

It can be tough being in a different place without all your familiar things, so if he's going to be useless, I'd be inclined not to go. Maybe book somewhere with your family instead, who will actually help out so you're not run ragged.

FriendsDrinkBook · 07/09/2024 08:19

Definitely your husband is the issue here. Your mil shouldn't be expected to take over his responsibilities.

Original poster
Showbel · 07/09/2024 08:19

Sapphire387 · 07/09/2024 08:16

When is this holiday, OP?

I think the issue lies with your partner. Holidays are not the same with young children. If this is 'his holiday' then when is YOUR holiday?!

It can be tough being in a different place without all your familiar things, so if he's going to be useless, I'd be inclined not to go. Maybe book somewhere with your family instead, who will actually help out so you're not run ragged.

It's every July usually. We didn't go this year because baby would've been 3 weeks old.
I would prefer not to go but I haven't got a choice. Partner absolutely won't go on his own, he'll insist he takes baby. And I think it'd be unforgiveable if I didn't go, and especially if I kept baby.

OP posts:
CockerMum · 07/09/2024 08:21

You’ve had a baby with a manchild. Time to have words with him about his new responsibilities.

FriendsDrinkBook · 07/09/2024 08:21

Also op , postpartum depression can feel 10x worse when you have a useless partner that's not allowing you to rest.

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/09/2024 08:24

Is he a fully involved father at home or is he leaving everything to you? Because as others have said, it sounds like you have an OH problem. Unless you address it now with him and he changes, this is your life from now on.

If you stay with him, I'd stick at just the one child.

StuckOnTheCeiling · 07/09/2024 08:25

The holiday doesn’t sound like a problem, your husband does. If you have a partner sharing baby care then there’s no reason to need other family doing childcare during the holiday.

For the holiday, I’d make clear to him that it cannot be “his holiday”, because when do you get a holiday? He’s a parent now. That means responsibilities.

But honestly you need to address this way before the holiday.

exprecis · 07/09/2024 08:25

It's depressing that your post focuses more on your MIL not doing enough despite her health problems than your partner who sounds totally useless

In a year, the sleep will most likely be better

I think you need to be clear with your partner that he is a parent all the time - be more demanding of him in evenings and weekends.

On the holiday itself, be vocal about your needs. I went on holiday with my in laws and a baby and I discovered that if DH held the baby at a mealtime his family would all insist that one of them take the baby so he could eat but that never happened for me. I just got over it and used my words "can anyone please look after DS now so I can eat? Thanks"

OneFastDuck · 07/09/2024 08:28

You won't be breastfeeding a 1yr old in the night unless you want to. I night weaned at 6 and 8 months with mine and was one of the later to do so.

Wakeywake · 07/09/2024 08:30

The holiday is a year away, relax and stop thinking about it.

Both you and DH will be in a routine by then, you'll handle the childcare between the two of you, as it should be.

turkeymuffin · 07/09/2024 08:30

I think you depression is clouding your views here.

You're worrying about a holiday that's a year away. It's 1 week in a U.K. caravan park - it will be fine!! There's a a poool / beach / activities etc. Plenty for a 1 yo to do, plus older cousins to follow. I don't understand why you'll need MIL for " childcare". He will nap & go to bed at 7pm - that's when you can chill.

Your DH problems are far more about every day life than a single week away. If he's involved in family life & pulls his weight with the baby then the holiday will just naturally continue that. However if he does no domestic labour usually then it's unrealistic to expect that to change for a holiday (and if he doesn't bond with the baby early then the 1yo probably won't settle for him anyway - how convenient!)

Have you sought help for you PND?

How is partner doing with the baby up to now?

Spomb · 07/09/2024 08:30

I love holidays with babies, but I have a husband who isn’t a selfish, mean person as your partner seems to be.

By 1yr, you hopefully won’t be up in the night feeding as your child will be eating solid foods, so it will feel very different to how it does now.

A lot will change in a year, but it doesn’t sound as though your partner is supportive or much of a father. I would definitely rethink the marriage unless he steps up.

You don’t have to go next year. I think a holiday with him and his child without you would definitely buck his ideas up and show him the work involved with a young baby.

It’s very important in my opinion that fathers spend solo time with the baby (i.e., take them out for a day so they know how to pack a bag, when/what to eat/, and all it entails). Women aren’t born with an innate ability to change a nappy, wind a baby, dress it, wean it, we learn and your husband needs to learn too. If he’s not willing, he doesn’t sound like someone you’d want as a father figure in your child’s life.

RobinHood19 · 07/09/2024 08:31

The holiday is not your problem.

And when MIL comes to visit, even now as baby is 10 wks old, my partner thinks it's his time to do nothing, so does the bare minimum and leaves me to do everything.

This is. Why does he think he can opt in and out of his responsibilities as a parent? Does he even see himself as an equal parent to your child?

Why does he get to decide you must absolutely go on this holiday, if he isn’t planning on doing his 50% share? The baby might be walking by then - will it be on you to keep them safe and run around the whole day while he rests because he deserves a break after a hard year? How about your break - when’s that planned for?

itsgettingweird · 07/09/2024 08:32

If you didn't go and he'd go anyway and take the baby I'd be tempted to come down with D and V the day before and let him!

But if he'd take baby anyway then surely he understands what his holiday will look like with a young child and is willing to have that type of holiday?

Are you sure his comments aren't relating to another meaning and you've miscommunication? For example he'll want to go out for evening meals with his family and is happy to take baby but doesn't want to not give it a go because you have the baby?

The other option is couldn't your family come and spend time with you in your caravan - even if just for a few days?

But ultimately if the bigger picture is he a lazy shit who won't do his equal share of the parenting it's not the holiday that's the problem. And I'd be considering if you really should be getting married.

outdamnedspots · 07/09/2024 08:35

And when MIL comes to visit, even now as baby is 10 wks old, my partner thinks it's his time to do nothing, so does the bare minimum and leaves me to do everything.

You have an H problem. He thinks babies are women's work and is a lazy fucker.

What's he like when it's just the three of you? Does he pull his weight??

MissUltraViolet · 07/09/2024 08:36

You don't have a holiday or MIL problem you have a future DH problem.

If you skipped this year is the holiday going to be next July? A lot could change between now and then and it sounds like a lot needs to change.

Izzabellasasperella · 07/09/2024 08:48

I agree with the other posters re your dh. Taking a baby on holiday is very different to going away just the two of you.
Having said that it is a year away so your baby should be less dependent on bf.
You need to work as a team now and on holiday.
Also could you ask your in-laws/ relatives for help? A few hours in the evening so you and dh could go for a drink or meal? Or a walk with him in the pushchair whilst you have a coffee and read a book ?

Donimo · 07/09/2024 09:09

I think you are over thinking things. By the age of 1 years old they will probably be on a few breast feeds duing the day and not feeding at night at all. All of my children stopped feeding overnight by 4-5 months (including premature babies) and were only having milk between 2-4 times per day. By 12 months they may wake a few times in the night but lots of babies are sleeping most of the night by 12 months.

I remember 8-10 weeks age with my eldest and I thought this intensity of parenting would never end. But from 3-4 months it improves. And a 12 month old is very different from a 10 week old.

I have taken all my children on holiday lots from age of 2 months. Multiple times each year. My 2 year old twins have been away to UK around 8 times and twice abroad. Some of the UK holidays been with extended families. I don't expect anyone to do childcare for me whilst away but it's a treat when they do.

It won't be like your normal holidays but as you go with other families it sounds like your activities are already adapted to children anyway.

Naunet · 07/09/2024 09:41

I don’t understand why your so focused on childcare, you have one baby and two parents, why do you need so much childcare too? If it’s because your partner is shit, that’s for the two of you to sort out, it’s not other womens job to step in and parent on his behalf. Sorry, I know that might sound harsh, I genuinely don’t mean it to, I’m just sick of womens free labour being used or expected in place of shit fathers.

Aussieland · 07/09/2024 09:43

So when is YOUR holiday? I would not be going on holiday with him I would be taking a permanent break. What a wanker

RobinHood19 · 07/09/2024 09:44

But if he'd take baby anyway then surely he understands what his holiday will look like with a young child and is willing to have that type of holiday?

I’d bet good money that if the took the baby on holiday, he’d just hand him/her to the exhausted MIL or another family member so that he can enjoy his downtime and baby “can get to know the family and bond”. I doubt it would be so he could have sole care of his child and give OP a break.

Tbskejue · 07/09/2024 09:47

I can see why you’re worried but I really wouldn’t worry about something that is so far off when your baby is so young; a 10 week old and 1 year old are so different.
However I would be addressing your DHs expectations and the support he currently provides. Can you talk to your mil about how he is when she is there? She can then prompt him and be clear that she’s not there to take over from him

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2024 09:51

@Showbel You have a DH problem. And it's nothing to do with the holiday

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2024 10:32

Your partner should be doing 50% of the childcare, not your mil.
Don't marry this

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