to expect daughter to start putting herself first more than others

[BoldRubyPoet]

I have a wonderful DD 13 years old, while some would say she is doing really well, I maybe completely out of line here but I worry she puts others first way too much and feel like she needs to start putting herself first more before helping others and focusing on her own life first and foremost.
For example in school they switched around all the classes for maths and English as an experiment for a short period where there are no sets and it's all mixed abilities to see if more capable students can have an affect on some struggling students. DD says she doesn't even learn anything during this little "expirement" and she is just there to basically try and help and lift some other students which she says she is fine with and is a good idea as its a differant fresh approach, which does seem to be working as I've even been contacted by another parent saying that it's helped her daughter massively in confidence in her maths just in the first few days of going back but while that is wonderful I am also getting a bit irritated especially as teacher phoned me to give praise about DD he joked "she should be doing my job". I didnt find that funny really. I suggested we speak to school and say at least let my DD have maybe 15/20 minutes where she is not required to basically tutor others and can do some learning herself as gcses in just two years. Not just school other areas as well for example at home people will make a mess including her father and she will offer and clean up/do chores even if it's my husband or eldest son who should be cleaning up after herself. Also was at a restaurant the other day and the waiter brought her a completely different meal to what she ordered and they realised the mistake and said they will sort it but she insisted it's fine I like this is as well and insisted she will just eat the meal brought to her but I knew she didn't like the dish and could only manage half of it and told the waiter "it was really filling" when they came to clear plates.

All in all I just worry she is turning into a bit of a pushover which is OK to a certain extent but I don't want to reach a point where she feels like she cannot stick up herself/say no/put herself first

That is so strange of the school to do that. Ability sets exist for a reason. My daughter's grammar school doesn't have them though. It is completely unfair to put a kid behind on learning to help someone else. It's lovely that she is such a helpful and kind person but you are right, she needs to put herself first. She should focus on her own work and help her friends when they need it, of course, but not let it affect herself.

The meal thing is also an issue. I get being a bit scared to ask and mention it but considering the waiters literally offered to change it and that is their job, it is quite unusual that she was that determined to please them when they probably couldn't care less!!!!

Not sure how to help, sorry, OP. But I would recommend having a discussion with her about it.

Yeah I mean with the meal situation the waiter was having a bit of a nightmare and was getting some grief from other tables. I offered to speak to the waiter myself and just say whenever your ready if you could bring the correct dish

I mean I suppose she is just a people pleaser then. Wants to not inconvienence others too much which isn't a bad trait - it just has to not get out of control. Ie. she can't miss oppurtunities for herself because of other people.

Your daughter sounds lovely and selfless and, from what you say, a real people pleaser.
She sounds very accommodating, which to a degree is to be admired but I can see how it is worrying too as she’s open to being taken advantage of.
Could she lack a bit of confidence and feel she is ‘letting others or herself down’ if she says no? Is she a perfectionist? I wonder if a class like drama or a sport where she can throw herself in and maybe gain some confidence could help. She might just need a new outlet to grow into herself and feel she has every right to say no.
Yanbu

I'm not entirely sure if she lacks confidence tbh, from my perspective she is a little on the shy said but no more than any of her friends. I asked a friend who is a teacher and said she is about average on the shyness meter. I would like to have a talk about it but I don't really know how to approach It.

Car trips with your child next to you are great for getting information out of teens on how they really feel without it feeling like an interrogation.
Sound your DD out on a trip somewhere and see if she reveals anymore. She may feel fine and be completely happy about being such a giving person, but no harm in asking.

Thank you so much for the suggestion, great idea will suggest we go for lunch over weekend and will try and have a chat in car. Thanks

There's lots of good research to suggest that NOT setting by ability is better for attainment. That doesn't mean your daughter is expected to do the teacher's job. It sounds like he was joking?

I was a people pleaser like this as a child and still am to a large extent. It has massively affected my mental health and I've only just realised this in recent years with counselling. So I think it's fabulous that you can recognise this now and start to help her do something about it.

I do think that I largely developed this due to my childhood and upbringing, so I think it would be hugely beneficial for you to try to work out how your family dynamics have influenced this. As hard as that may be, it will really help you to understand it and work on strategies to encourage her to develop boundaries and a sense of self.

He was joking, maybe I'm seeing it the wrong way I just am getting the impression my DD being exploited a little

@BurbageBrook

I've seen the research - I'm not sure that it says that it is universally good for high achievers. Though it does benefit the average and is best overall. If OP's daughter is one who is adversely affected, shouldn't this at least be acknowledged?

There is a bit in how to talk so kids will listen about helping children that are "too" good. (obvs most of the book is about dealing with the opposite). I think it's sensible to gently raise it with her naturally kind/people pleasing children tend to get praised for being so which is of course fine to a certain extent (kindness is important) but I think too much can actually amplify those tendancies/make them feel it's their job to be like that. So encouraging her to think of herself to is important. You could.also look at the behaviour you model- do you put your own needs behind everyone else's a lot of the time?

Yeah i mean personally I'm not one to praise her that often to be honest, but she does recieve a lot elsewhere from teachers and other members of family e.t.c.

And I was (I think naturally) a "kind" child (or a people pleaser). I was praised for it more than anything else (I think because it's normal for people to say "what a generous child" than for nefarious reasons). But I think that made me more people pleasing than was healthy, and did affect me later in life. So definitely also make sure you praise her for other things.

You should be taking charge and rescuing her from her own people pleasing. You or your DH need to say ‘no’ and insist that the waiter bring the correct meal, or that the males in your house clean up their and not her, and that the school are not taking advantage. My dds are very selfless and helpful but I have taught them self worth and that other people’s shit is not their responsibility 99.9% of the time.

I think the meal thing is okay and for her generation may be influenced by environmental factors i.e. not wanting to waste food. I wouldn't reject a meal unless it was something I truly hated because I know it would go straight in the bin and I hate food waste. Maybe she wanted to give it a try.

Agree with this. If you do this consistently she will start to internalise it and eventually do it for herself. If it's any consolation OP I was like your dd at her age and I'm very assertive now, so she may not be like this forever

Yes thank you for your advice. I just want to get a healthy balance between letting her be herself but also being able to not take advantage of. I am definitely going to clamp down at home not letting her clean up others mess