Limerence - back again !!?

[Newname5565]

No judgement please, this is already very difficult. Back with a vengeance!!?

I have/had a 8+ yr limerence on a family friend. I’m 43 and he is 47. We are both married (to other people obviously). After about 2-3 years of “crush”, we moved away. I took this opportunity to phase out this friendship as it was consuming my life. This was in 2020/21. I didn’t see him in person since then. I had a lot of pics that I kept looking at EVERY SINGLE DAY, but one day I deleted them all. One day, a few months later I woke up being a different person. Limerence/ madness was no longer there. I was addicted to the high I guess - I tried jumping back into imaginary romantic conversations, but nope. It just wasn’t there anymore. Gone! I was finally free!! I had about a year of this phase.

Last week, my husband bumped into my LO totally unexpectedly at an event. He called me from there to tell me this and that they too relocated to somewhere 30miles from where we are. THATS IT! I’m back into teenager mode. I’ve been looking him up on the internet and seeing his WhatsApp dp every day. WTF !!

In the past, when I actually met LO, I always wondered what was wrong with me. He was definitely not my type. Still I couldn’t help being so hopelessly in love. Am I mad?

How do I break free again? I’m already planning to invite them over for dinner and stressing over my appearance. I’m totally mad!

Ps: I’ve never been in Limerence with anyone else in life. Brief teenage crushes - that’s about it.

Have you been able to discuss this in therapy? I’m wondering this because it would be interesting to dive into the meaning behind this; what does the fantasy involve? Do you imagine running off together into the distance? I’ve had all-consuming feelings about someone in the past and looking back I realise that it was more intense when I was feeling less fulfilled in my life and work and when I wasn’t feeling loved and desired by partners; or when I was with someone who wasn’t a good fit for me. What I imagined was him being totally focused and besotted with me, so it really was about a feeling of loneliness and emptiness and low self esteem for me. Just sharing in case any of this resonates for you.

You need to seek therapy. I think this is more about what missing in your life than the issue itself.

Stop being silly and looking up his profile etc. Do not invite him for anything. He's still gone

Make a mental list of everything you dislike about him, everything that irritates you, what you expect the horrid things would be if you were living together together.

This is probably right in my case too. It all started during the most turbulent time of my marriage. I used to imagine being in a happy relationship with this guy, being in love, doing things together, making love, etc. I never acted on this feeling though. Later, I minimised contact as I was scared people will notice.

Things improved with DH, I’m still heartbroken over how DH treated me back then. It’s like something changed forever in my heart, DH is absolutely fine now, I still can’t go back to my previous self.

I don’t know what to do. The other guy is a thorough gentleman. I may have read too much into friendly chats or even a lifts home on the way back from work.

What is limerance and LO?

This makes a lot of sense; you’re associating the other guy with what you have missed/ are missing with DH and you’re imagining things would be so different. I wonder if the Limerence is a sort of defence mechanism which maybe means that you can avoid thinking about the time that left you heartbroken. I found therapy so enormously helpful; you could go either alone or with DH?
Thing is, how do you feel about the idea that you might lose these feelings, do they cause you distress or do you love the ‘being madly in love’ feeling? Or maybe both?

Don't go for dinner with him. I think it will make it worse