to find this tedious now?

[Thisisntthowisawthisgoing]

DH and I been WFH since the pandemic. He works full time, is the chief breadwinner and therefore, justifiably, has an office. I work part time, usually around the kids, sometimes when the pre-schooler is home and occupied with something. So, with no other suitable space I tend to work at the kitchen table (it's either here or on the sofa/bed which I find very bad for posture). Trust me when I say we have tried to find me somewhere more suitable to work, esp as we're in year 4 of this now so it's not exactly a short term scenario... this is the best we can do. Both our jobs are now fully remote, and we cannot afford for me to use a paid for office space or anything. My job barely covers the childcare as it is.

However, it's so very tiresome to work in a 'thoroughfare' area of the house. If I'm sat down at a laptop, trying to focus on something, in a meeting etc none of this seems to make me inaccessible to the family...and the worst culprit is DH!!! Even the kids now recognise if there's a red sticker on mummys laptop then they leave me alone! He's continuously popping in on his way to the bathroom, getting a drink etc and no matter how many times I ask not to be disturbed there always seems to be a justifiable reason to interrupt me ('just a very quick question love!' or even very 'kindly' bringing me a cup of tea or something but then stopping for a chat). He's a really lovely man, but he's quite forgetful and this request just doesn't seem to be penetrating. I've tried wearing noise cancelling headphones, have a colour coded post-it note on the back of my laptop (i.e. green means you can talk to me, red means please kindly do not fucking disturb!) but here we are, more than 1000 days into working from home and he's just come in for a chat again, asking for clarification on some stuff i specifically told him before sitting down so he wouldn't have to interrupt me.

I have a job where I really need to concentrate on things, and if I lose the thread of what I'm doing I'll make a mistake which will either take me time to untangle or impact on others. If I was in an office there would be a meeting room I could book or a breakout space or something I could go and use so there would be a clear message not to disturb me during tricky tasks. Here...idk, maybe I could lock myself in the bathroom?! Work in the car??

The issue is, I am increasingly getting exasperated/stroppy with him, which is then rude, which then means he gets grumpy with me because I wasn't polite and I end up as the 'bad guy' in the scenario when for FOUR YEARS I've been asking to have my work respected and having that pretty basic request continuously ignored.

So...AIBU to be huffy?

YABU - there's never an excuse to be rude.
YANBU - sounds like you've been more than accommodating to try and make this work, if he doesn't like being sighed at maybe he should remember not to interrupt you!

Yay!!

If he's popping out of the home office so often, perhaps he doesn't really need it. Ask to switch places for a week and see how that goes.

@shellyleppard Shussssh! 😄

I work in the bedroom. I have a small fold-out desk, a decent office chair, a screen, a keyboard/mouse and a riser for the screen. Our bedroom is quite small - not enough room for a dressing table or a permanent desk and not enough room to get around the bed or into the wardrobes when I'm working (it's approx 12ft x 10ft and also contains a king size bed).
However, it provides a quiet, private, space and I can stow the screen, riser and other kit either under the bed or in the bottom of the wardrobe when not in use. The desk sits flat against the wall when folded up. The chair is a bit of a pain as it's quite bulky and does get in the way a bit... but as it's on wheels I can move it around easily to get into the wardrobe or chest of drawers.

It helps that I'm pretty tidy and minimalist, (I have to be - our home is very compact) but honestly if I can make it work in a smaller than average master bedroom then most master bedrooms can also accommodate. If you're not too fussy about the chair then a fold-out chair would make it even more viable.

Great result, OP!

I’m sorry but this is typical of the way men treat women’s work in my opinion. It’s never considered “serious” enough that it can’t be disrupted by men’s whims.

One of the reasons I left my husband was because he had no respect for my job even though I out earned him by a factor of four to one and expected me to do all the pick ups and drop offs. Because I was “the mother”.

My now partner is much more progressive and understanding but even he is guilty of this. He sometimes walks in when I am on calls and asks me where an item of his clothing is. Like it’s my fucking job to know this by osmosis because I am the woman. Again I am the breadwinner. I know that should not matter but if they have the “big jobs” they unquestionably want to be left alone. It’s a total pisstake.

Your DH sounds like an amiable soul but it’s basically the same syndrome. They don’t take our work as seriously because we’re women.

I think you have to say either he starts to treat your work with more respect and give you privacy to work quietly or he pays for a working space.

Yeah we have a lot of stuff like this sadly. Male/female dynamics and stereotypes drive me crazy. It's formed a large part of my arguement as to why it seems insurmountable for him to remember not to interrupt me. Also was the basis for my latest retort when he got upset I was rude (IE men really don't like it when their behaviour is called out but when I do it I'm rude. My reaction to your rudeness is not the behaviour on trial here).

Feel your pain.

I don’t blame you, I would be the same.

One or both of you needs to get a new job with actual offices to go to.

@Thisisntthowisawthisgoing

To be honest it doesn’t sound like he is being deliberately sexist. It just really goes against the grain for a lot of them that the woman’s job actually matters.

Most of them grew up with mums who were professional support humans who put household before work (if they even worked). I think they subconsciously think we are just “playing at” work. It’s so frustrating to have to undo 1950s hard-wiring.

My DH grew up with his mum being the breadwinner and dad being the SAHP. Which in the 80's/early 90's was rare!!

Completely agree it isn't a deliberate thing. More ingrained. Like after Sarah Everard when all these blokes discovered we've been texting each other to check we got home safe from a night out and it never even occurred to them to do it. Up against generations of habits.

Convert a garden shed?

Trust me when I say we have tried to find me somewhere more suitable to work, esp as we're in year 4 of this now so it's not exactly a short term scenario... this is the best we can do.

Glad it’s sorted but it’s ticked me that you didn’t consider the desk in your dc’s room 🤣

How has he reacted to you moving to the kids room, OP? Hope he doesn’t keep barging in?

I know!!! It went in a month ago and I obviously didn't update my inner options!!

Have tried a desk in our bedroom (needed to come out to make room for a chest of drawers for the second kid), a desk in the hallway (worse than the kitchen, was basically in the way of everyone trying to get anywhere!), a pull out desk in the lounge (too accessible for the kids), a lap desk in our room (this was okay, but working on the bed wasn't great for my posture and also bringing work into the bedroom wasn't great in general anyway. There's already enough laundry and stuff in there anyway!), sharing DH's office (just wasn't good for either of us) and working in the kids room before the built ins (wasn't a spare inch in there and basically meant I was working on their toddler bed). Am so used to being in the kitchen now that even though we put bunks and a desk in their room it just didn't occur to me. What a wally. But hurrah for mumsnet!!

It's only for another year, then we're looking to move house and also the kids will be at school so I'll be looking for another job, which might mean no more WFH. Either way this juggle has an end date.

I know!!! It went in a month ago and I obviously didn't update my inner options!!

Ah well that’s understandable, as it’s a new addition!

I would look for a house that has the possibility of two offices (if finances allow).

Even you don’t WFH, you might want to have the option of hybrid working.

I’m in a similar situation and also use my kids desk relatively frequently so glad you’ve twigged that one and it’s helping.

But I have also set up a permanent desk in a little nook between the living space and kitchen for times I am still in charge of the kids whilst working. I put a rug down so even it’s really in a corridor (bad fung shui I’m sure) it creates more of an office ‘space’ and it discouraged my partner hanging around over my shoulder chatting by me telling the kids they’re not allowed on the rug space without ‘knocking’.

For occasions when you’re downstairs tho and your partner disturbs you I recommend just not answering. Or at least not answering straight away. A 20 second silence after he asks something, followed by a ‘just a sec i’m concentrating’, followed by another minute silence. If he’s still there turn fully to face him and answer then say ‘I need to get back to this now’ and turn away again should give him the hint. Repeat and be consistent. If he doesn’t get the message then you need a proper chat about how he undermines you.

No, OP, lock HIM in

Do you have an office location you could go to?

My DH grew up with his mum being the breadwinner and dad being the SAHP. Which in the 80's/early 90's was rare!!

That’s worse then!

Yes we're actually looking at moving to a cheaper area so the kids can have a room each plus office bedroom and we'll release some equity to build an additional garden office/convert a garage if there is one. It's a big move away from everyone we know, but it's either that or be on top of eachother till the kids move out. Hoping it'll be worth it for the space and fresher air.

😂 now why didn't I think of that

Ahh right your sorted then

Hopefully by this time next year 🙌

I WFH a couple of days a week and although I mostly work from the sofa, when I do need privacy or a more professional looking work set up I use the desk in my daughter's bedroom. Glad you've found a solution!

It seems you're fed up of your husband.
Nothing more, nothing less.