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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyd that next doors kids spend more time in our house than theirs

24 replies

petetong · 18/04/2008 21:37

I wouldn't mind so much except the parents are divorced and the minute the mum drops them off at the dads they get out of the car and straight into our house. I'm sorry but it really, really winds me up as they are either looke after by their mum or me, and their dad, who I really can't stand, gets away scott fee.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 18/04/2008 21:40

Don't let them in, say you're busy.

Uriel · 18/04/2008 21:40

Say no!

AMumInScotland · 18/04/2008 21:43

Do you leave your door open then? I'd make sure it was shut, and politely tell them it's not convenient just now.

Original poster

petetong · 18/04/2008 21:48

I absolutely know I should say no, but I actually don't have anything against the children, it is just the dad who is next door doing exactly what he wants whilst I look after his kids. To be honest the dcs are older so I don't have much to do I just think he should take responsibility for them instead of his 'weekend with the dcs' spent with my dcs. I don't know if there are any single mums out there but I bet you would hate to think that your dcs were spending their weekend with the next door neighbour's dcs rather than doing anything with their dad.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 18/04/2008 21:49

obviously you are hospitable and they like it!But yes lock your door,set boundaries

AMumInScotland · 18/04/2008 21:53

Maybe you could agree something with him (but tricky if you really can't stand him) - like they come over for a while one afternoon? It would be nicer for the kids if they were actually maintaining a relationsip with their dad - after all, that is meant to be the point!

Original poster

petetong · 18/04/2008 22:04

He hasn't equipped the house for them, so I have the PC, playstation, trampoline for my dcs and he doesn't bother cos he knows they will spend all their time in my house.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 18/04/2008 22:06

you are a gem, he is a chancer!

Uriel · 18/04/2008 22:06

Do your kids mind?

avenanap · 18/04/2008 22:08

Well, you are now a busy person and you are no longer able to look after his kids for him . Send yours around to his house for an hour or three. If this doesn't give him the message you'll have to spell it out for him. They will carry on doing this unless you make an effort to stop it.

Freckle · 18/04/2008 22:10

I have a similar situation. However I know the dad actually wants to spend time with his dcs. However, he also wants them to want to come and see him and he is aware that, if they know they can come and play on our consoles and do stuff with my boys, they are more likely to want to come to visit. He does do stuff with them - and occasionally will take my boys too - but they do, in general, spend more time here than they do there.

Original poster

petetong · 18/04/2008 22:20

Thanks Scottishmummy.
Uriel, no the kids don't mind. It is just me not being so gemlike. I wouldn't mind so much if they spent some time in his house and then came over to ours. I think the fact that really annoys me is the getting straight out of the car and coming into our house as if it is our weekend with them and not his. I'm ashamed to say they even used to spend the night, but I have put a stop to that and said they are only next door so they can go home. I know I sound like a soft touch, but I don't actually want to upset the kids, although I could quite happily clock the dad one. I don't even engage him in conversation as I dislike him so much, but he still lets them come round. I suppose that is the problem. I think he is the one who should say no you can't go there the minute we are home, but he doesnt.

OP posts:

Original poster

petetong · 18/04/2008 22:22

Freckle, why doesn't he get second hand consoles etc then he can have your dcs with him instead of you always having them.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 18/04/2008 22:24

you don't sound like soft touch, he is the dad he needs to set rules or entertain them so they are not hanging about your house
PS you sound fun

Original poster

petetong · 18/04/2008 22:31

Once again, thank you scottishmummy. I don't think the kids think I am so fun as I look at them gimlet-eyed as they sidle past me trying desperately to ingratiate themselves with me for another fun filled day chez Petetong.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 18/04/2008 22:34

shuve them kids aside i have no trampoline,nor do i get to shout "oh another drink petetong please "lol

Janni · 18/04/2008 22:38

This is COMPLETELY unfair and unless he can/will reciprocate in some way then you MUST set a limit. Decide on a specific day/amount of time they can be at yours and stick to that. In the long term you are not doing anyone any real favours by being his unpaid childminder.

quint · 18/04/2008 22:38

Go out when they arrive!

Freckle · 19/04/2008 17:09

Tbh,, I think the dad struggles to cope when he has his dcs there. He often asks how on earth I cope with the noise of my boys all week - but then seems more than happy to inflict more on me by letting his boys come round here too. So I don't think he'd cope very well with his own dcs and my boys too.

quint · 19/04/2008 17:54

But he will never learn how to cope with his own children if you are there to do the childcare for him.

In the end it's up to you, you have 2 choices put up and shut up or stand up to him and say no (or as I said before go out just as they turn up) so he knows he can;t rely on you. He will keep on using you for as long as you allow him to get away with it.

Don;t mean to sound so harsh but thats it really

Freckle · 19/04/2008 17:57

It's not that black and white though when my boys enjoy playing with his dcs. I do normally pack them off up to his house after a while though, just to even things up a bit.

admylin · 19/04/2008 18:06

I used to have exactly the same thing with the dc from next door, they were always in the same house but the divorced parents used to have weeks off duty each so one week the mum lived with the dc and the next week the dad did. Suppose it was easier on them having all their stuff in one place but when the dad was on duty he didn't feed the dc on aregular basis and I ended up doing it most weekends, and on school days they would also be in ours from 4pm up to bed time.

I used to feel like you petetong - then I started sending them back with my 2 and they played in their house or all outside. Now the nicer weather is here can you not just send them all outside to play? Then you just call your dc in when it's time to eat or bed time? In the end, it was great for us when they played out all day in summer and I would send them a pic nic out or the dad would get pizza etc.

macdoodle · 19/04/2008 20:58

Well I have opposite problem - I am only single parent in our small close knit street - I have DD1 age 6 and baby DD2 age 16 weeks and my house is like central station for the kids in street - often up to 8....have now put foot down and said nope 1 at time or all out and have actually shouted at them all to get out when they woke baby up - not to mention the endless supply of drinks crisps and ice lollies....drives me mad all the other parents know I am on my own with DD1 and baby so never mind offering to help I am babysitting their kids (ages from 4/5 to 8ish)while they ??have sit down/quality time with partner/housework - all things I would love to have time for.....mind think my shouting fit may have been conveyed to some parents as DD1 was invited over road the other day and invited to stay for tea for first time in months

Janni · 20/04/2008 14:06

Macdoodle - unless you set firm limits they will continue to abuse your good nature and assume you don't mind.

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