Not wanting to spend all our time together

[DisengagingFlower]

We are friends with a couple who live close to us and our young kids are in school together. We have spent time together over the summer and all get on well.

Now the kids are back in school, they want to spend every evening together. The kids are obviously keen but me and my other half are not. I would like some down time as well as spending time with this family now and then. I also don’t think it’s great for the kids to be together all the time, they often end up arguing where they are tired after a long day.

They want their kids to go to the same clubs as mine go to and go on days out together etc but I want my kids to have their own lives and other friends as well. I feel like I’m being unreasonable because they’re good friends but I just want time apart to be a family, see other people and just generally live our own life.

How about set specific dates you can meet up. Tell them unfortunately that's all you schedule allows right now. Blame extended family if need be!

God that sounds suffocating! Every weekday evening? Can’t even ponder the practicalities with work, dinner, homework, bedtime routines etc. Do they live next door??

You have to be clear about your availability (and non-availability includes when you just don’t want to) before things get too deeply entrenched.

Oh no I would go crazy if I had to socialise every day. Don't they have stuff to do (like house stuff, family members to meet etc usually things)? Once during the week and once at the weekend would be enough for me. Just tell them you are not available.

I'm feeling claustrophobic just thinking about this. Every evening?! No. Just no.

They do live very close (same street) so can see our cars etc. so hard to say we are going out if we aren’t. We see each other walking home from the school too. Luckily our kids aren’t old enough to contact each other themselves yet 😂
I think that’s what I’m conscious of is breaking the routine now before it becomes more of an issue. I need to be more assertive probably.

I'd say something like 'I'm sure you'll understand, we have some family commitments so can't socialise much in the week.' if they ask what these 'commitnents' are say something vague like 'Oh nothing too serious, just family stuff, we've quite a lot on at the moment.'

People can be pushy. Sometimes just being evasive is enough.

If it isn't enough, you'll have to be more direct.

I don't even know how that would work. Just say you like to keep the weeknights quiet, good routine for school.

Could you say you've taken on an evening job working from home or something...

This.

Don’t make excuses like family social events or jobs.

Their expectations are unreasonable, say you like to keep weeknights quiet and you have plans on the weekend.

This is one of those times where it is more polite to be direct. You really like them and you'd like to hang out with them for one weekday evening (say) but any more and you'll get peopled-out. Don't make up an excuse. You are an adult and your needs are important.

If they want their children to go to the same clubs as yours then that is fair enough.

Your children need to be able to meet up with other friends, get their reading / prep done and do their music practice.

If they turn up, it is okay to say that you just aren't up for an impromptu play date that evening. It feels rude but it isn't.

See, I think people should always be direct from the outset. All this pussy-footing around and telling white lies just makes things more complicated.
This level of socialising is simply too much. OP needs to nip it in the bud before it can become a thing.
OP, just be honest and say: 'We need family time in the week but still happy to get together some weekends.'
Firm but fair.

What do you mean they want to spend the evening together? Like from end of school to bedtime?

they want to spend every evening together.

Who do-the parents?

Is this a new problem-what happened before the school holidays?

They're being a bit odd, who wants to hang out with other people all the time? Sounds like a soap opera.
What are you happy with? Once a week maybe?
Personally I don't like people who are unnaturally over friendly, if you see each, you see each other I mean. I think you need to know what you're happy with and work from that.

The problem here will be if they get sulky if your kids have other friends over. That is not okay

What is being proposed in the evening?

How often are they suggesting you meet up?

I'd just nip weeknight plans in the bud with a quick "oh no the kids are shattered we need to get them to bed nice and early"

they want to spend from the end of school until around 6pm/7pm together, it is a new problem really, I think because we spent more time together over the summer as the kids were playing out in the street and then it graduated.

Aren’t you working/doing tea/reading etc at that time? Just tell them you’re busy.

Either me or my partner is always home and because we see them on the school run, we haven’t started tea etc by then. I know it sounds stupid from the outside and I should just say no.

I think they are swingers. Any pampas grass in their yard?

I feel like I’m being unreasonable because they’re good friends but I just want time apart to be a family, see other people and just generally live our own life

no way would I agree to a blanket arrangement to meet every day from x time to y time. You shouldn't have to justify why you don't want to do that, it just doesn't meet your needs or expectations for the friendship, so don't go down the slippery slope of feeling you have to give a reason.

if they don't like it then you can question whether they are real friends or just hangers on because they see you as a soft touch.

nip it in the bud before it comes back to haunt you!

I just can’t fathom their expectation.

They must run their house like a military operation if they think this is even remotely possible.

This is my idea of a nightmare. Tell them you dont have time during the week. I know my own routine is non stop on school days. How do they have the time?

I do not know anyone who sees their parent friends daily at their homes.