To be p**d off that my sister 'forgot' my son's 18th?

[Sadmum71]

Since our mum died 2 years ago my sister and I have stopped seeing each other. It's complicated but I'd sum it up as she's a narcissist who finds fault in everyone else but never takes any responsibility herself. We communicate about our parents will and financial stuff, but that's about it. I find it very difficult and it upsets me a great deal but it's her choice.

A couple of months ago she sent my daughter - who she likes - a generous gift for her 21st. But it was my son's 18th a few days ago and nothing, not even a card. She's less keen on him, he's not as easy going as his sister and they've never bonded at all.

But just to send nothing, I'm appalled. What would you do?

I wouldnt give it a second thought, you have a shit relationship anyway so nothing to salvage. Gifts are not an expectation.

I'd go completely NC with her.

nothing, you two dont see each other and your son and her don’t have a bond/get on. While it’s rude there’s nothing to do, just let it go.

Your children are now adults and can decide whether they want to have a relationship with their aunt or not, sounds like your daughter does but your son doesn't.

I wouldn't say anything, let it go. Is your son even bothered?

You say they've never bonded, so why is it bothering you so much? I doubt that he's upset that his aunt hasn't thought of him - unless he's just annoyed that he didn't get a generous gift like his sister did, but I'm sure he's not so shallow.

I could have written this post except it’s my daughter who is the least favourite.

I finally went NC and ignored the resulting abusive e-mail. It saddens me but self preservation is key. The kids get over it. A narcissist aunt who can’t be arsed with them is not going to damage them too much. I more than make up for it and I’m sure you will too OP, don’t stress

My kids aren't too bothered, it's true, it's just me who is - I hate the unfairness. Our parents were always so scrupulously fair with us two, I thought she'd do the same. But she doesn't have kids so maybe she just doesn't get it.

They are your children dont expect others to feel the same about them.
You said they dont bond so why is it bothering you.
I dont have kids so maybe i dont get it either.

I doubt she forgot. My sister sends card to two of my children and not the other two, and I know it's deliberate to try and upset me (it's just part of the shit she pulls), so the cynic in me says your sister's motivation is the same... don't let her achieve that. If your children are anything like mine, they will make their own decisions about the sort of person she is.

Well of course her relationship with your children is not going to be the same as your parents relationship with their children - she is not their parent!

As a parent you love your DC equally I assume, but outside of that close relationship won't be the same of course. She doesn't love them as a parent would, it'll be more based on mutual liking as they become adults.

Shitty behaviour from her.

Why would you expect anything different from the Preston you've described? She's doesn't even like you!

I’d roll my eyes and get on with my day. Shit people will do shit things, it doesn’t always require a response.

Why?

You don’t have an actual relationship with your sister. Your sister doesn’t have a relationship with your son. On what basis were you hoping that she would send him a gift? Not sure I would have this expectation, given the circumstances. Yes, it’s sad that she favours one of your children over the other but they are not little kids, so it’s a bit different now, no?

Clutching at straws. Is your sister the type to make a bigger thing of 21. Coming of age , key of the door? Did she sent your dd a gift at 18?

Its hurtful to ignore your son but don’t give it head space.

I would be more concerned about dd having a relationship with her if she is that bad.

It is annoying, but not surprising if she is known for being difficult. Glad son is not bothered and just let it go. Likely she wants a reaction.

Dd's relationship with her aunt is her business, it's not OPs place to get involved as dd is an adult and can make her own choices.

Put it in a bubble and blow it away. Wouldn't even bother to acknowledge it. She a twit. I have two sisters exactly like her. Just think of the money you save on birthday and Christmas gifts to her.

My eldest sister 'never remembers' my kids birthdays even though her son and my daughter are the same day/date.....

It's obvious

I think you've hit the nail on the head, she doesn't have kids so probably doesn't 'get' it. She probably doesn't want to fork out for someone she hasn't got a relationship with.

It's unfair on your son, but it doesn't sound like he's bothered so just let it go.

Same! No kids here so I presumably don’t get it, but your kids are now adults. If she’s bonded more with one of them than the other, then it seems totally reasonable to be more interested in the birthday of the one she’s friends with.

I'd be fuming too OP. I'd appreciate fairness from immediate relatives and to not acknowledge the big birthday at all is awful

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your thoughts and it's made me see both sides better. It's also clarified where I stand with my DSis. I guess it'll save on Xmas presents...