AIBU to feel sad about washing down paintwork

[Ineedaholidayagain]

In our upstairs hallway there is a dirty mark row on the paintwork. It was caused by our son using the walls to walk around and is about a meter high, it was caused while he could still walk independently.
He's now a full time wheelchair user and will never see upstairs again. He's got a bedroom and wetroom downstairs and we've all adjusted to this new life.
However every time I think about washing and repainting I feel sad as if I'm washing away the past. Do I need to get a grip?

I don’t think you should clean it or frame it or do anything else with it just yet. Just leave it there until you’ve adjusted to the next stage in their lives and you’re ready to say goodbye to it. And if that doesn’t happen, then sod whether anyone else thinks it’s just dirty. Their opinions don’t matter.

And if you think you might be ready to repaint, then just don’t clean or sand over that bit of the woodwork before you paint. You might need to touch it up more often, but that’s not a huge job and the marks will still be there, underneath.

This is the experience of loss for the health of your child. Honour this feeling of loss in a way that makes sense for you OP.

Maybe write about your feelings in a journal.

Can you memorialise it? I mean, could you maybe tape it off and paint a contrasting colour over the "dirt" to make a feature of it? I see this as no different to marking his height on the wall, it was a stage of his life you wish to remember and perhaps this would give you a way of doing it that's more socially acceptable.

Oh bless you, I rarely get emotional about things I read on the Internet but this has really hit me! As others have suggested, either take a photo - maybe you could frame it and hang it above the marks you need to clean off? Or even make a feature - leave a small area of the marks in place and pop a box frame around them?

You don’t need to get a grip at all. You need more time.

Framing the marks as it feels like a memorial to me and your family, including your son, have a lot of happy times ahead of you.

The idea of a mural - something meaningful for your family - was a lovely one. You could even work something like hands into the design at the height of the marks.

Not the same I know but I lost my 22 year old son 2 years ago and have recently had to move house and had to leave the washing machine behind and omg I felt awful, that washing machine used to wash his clothes and by leaving it there will he think I'm forgetting him. I completely get you OP and I would take photos of it if you can, I didn't take pictures of my washing machine though lol and I'm completely fine with the thought of leaving it behind but I remember the emotions I had about a fucking washing machine lol. I have kept a broken pint glass I found in his room though because that was him and he always was a clumsy twat and now there is nobody here to break stuff so that broken glass is special to me but to everyone else it's a broken glass.

TBH, overall it sounds like the marks left by that stage he traversed, actually hold more pain than happier memories. But only you know exactly what that balance is.
It doesn't stop us not wanting to hang on to these things, but overall it is generally more unhealthy than healthy when it represents difficulties more than successes and keeps us trapped more in pain than smiles...

The other rhetorical question, is is it only this, or are there many parts of the past and the life you expected to have that you are trying to hold onto?
The answer you give yourself may inform how much dealing with this particular thing matters or not.

IME the longer we live with these things as being the last precious physical memories of what is irretrievably lost, the harder it becomes to let go of them, and the more devastating it is if they are suddenly destroyed or taken from us. They take on a life of their own.

But if the marks bring you happiness then do whatever works best for you.

No, feel your feelings. Not exactly the same but my friends child died suddenly as a toddler. It was years before they could bring themselves to clean their dining room patio doors with her sticky handprints on. Things are allowed to suck and you don't have to be positive all the time.

I wouldn’t wipe it off. I’d paint over it. You’d always know it was there.

If painting feels too drastic could you paper over it? That way it would always be there and accessible if you ever wanted to. There's some really beautiful papers available now.

Could even get someone skilled in to work in a little flap which if done well wouldn't be visible to your DC?

Yes I think I’d do something like this. A stripe along the length of the wall or half the door painted in another colour. If you change your mind/don’t like it you can always paint over it

@Ineedaholidayagain

I am so sorry for DS getting to this stage ahead of when he would have due to not getting the treatment he needed, it's heart breaking.

YANBU feeling so emotional about it.

i don't even know you/Ds & I can't stop crying.

Does it need to be done? Why? Who will benefit from it being done? (Frankly, other than you who notices it looks a bit 'grubby??)

if the answer are 'no one else will know/notice/care' except you then why not leave it?

if there's a compelling reason to it (can't think what??) then you need to weigh up the need to do v the need to preserve.

I do think though you have to first of all decide if maybe removing the marks would be positive rather than negative? Yes DS won't be upstairs moving about independently again, but is that something you need to be thrust at you everyday? Maybe having fresh paintwork would be better for you and making fresh memories with DS downstairs. Small things he can do ❤️

much love

@Ihopeithinkiknow

i understand ❤️

It’s really not the same but I remember listening to a phone in on daytime TV and a caller phoned in still bereaved about the loss of her pet dog. The dog had died 18 years ago but she still couldn’t bring herself to decorate the walls where the dog had laid against and left a mark.

I think I would be the same.

@Ihopeithinkiknow your pint glass made me laugh and cry. I have a stupid raincoat of my dad's (he died very young) that is in all the old photos of him. It's completely useless to anyone but I love it.

Thank you to everyone, I am so sorry to hear about loved people no longer here. I do have my amazing son and I know I am lucky, this wasn't the journey we expected to be on, but we're dealing with it as best as we can.

This is so beautiful, and it helps to remember that, if you choose, OP, to paint over the marks, they will still be there, underneath, a special secret history of your lovely family. But if you don’t want to clean or paint them, just don’t.

I hope it all goes ok OP. I'll be thinking of this post for a while I think, it really stopped me in my tracks

What beautiful replies you have had, there sure are some lovely people about.

That poem has broken me a bit this evening, was not expecting that. Do what feels right OP and if you don't need to do anything with the marks right now then don't. We all keep things as momentoes, usually you know when the time is right for them to be moved on or in this case painted over (if ever). Give yourself time, it sounds like the life stage you were hoping to delay is still something you're adjusting to so be kind to yourself.

I'm just coming up to replacing the mattress on my bed, It's breaking my heart that I will no longer have the dip on the side of the bed my late dp slept on. I've still got one of his old shirts that has curry stains down the front of it, I can't bear to think of washing it or throwing it away because it still smells of him nearly 10 years after he died.

You're not silly at all, OP. We've had a life-changing thing happen with one of our children, and it takes many years to make sense of it and to adjust to a new reality.

For myself, I find it harder to take steps to move on when everyone is telling me I should. When they back off and leave me to work things out in my own time, I always know when I'm finally ready to move on. I think perhaps you will know when that time comes, but until then I would be inclined to leave it.

And when you are ready, take a photograph or create some sort of something with it that means something to you. When my mum died, all I had left of her was an old pair of pyjamas. It took me years to feel ready to to let them go. I gave them to my daughter to donate and was immensely touched a few months later when she presented me with a teddy bear she had made using the pyjamas. It felt like a nice way of moving on without letting go completely.

💛

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You keep things in your house in the way that works for you. I think people who have not been through life trauma that is totally unexpected/not in the accepted chronology of life events do not really get it. Why should they? DHdied very quickly and unexpectedly early on a Sunday afternoon when DC was still at primary. You wake up that morning, had been out the night before and.life was pretty normal. By teatime your world has imploded and you have no choice in it.

I also find it is the little daily things fr9. our previous life we missed, not so much the anniversaries etc that people get fixated on. Anniversaries happen once a year. The total change in routine and 'normal' life is instant and 24 hours a day, every day. It is normal and important to mourn that old life and also the future you had invisanged. No one gets it until it happens. Yes you are strong because you have to be. You also are allowed to be upset. It is all part of the process of healing. You need to heal enough to live alongside the trauma and move forward as best you can. Best wishes to you and your family.

That's such a nice idea!