Youtube

[WhiteLily1]

My son is 12, just gone into y8. I don’t allow him to have normal YouTube on his phone - he has a fixed amount of time on kids YouTube but not the regular app.
He is so cross that everyone else seems to have it and even now the new year 7’s are on the bus watching it (he can see them in front of him)
He won’t use kids you tube when peers are around as it looks babyish. Most of the other mums I know with similar age kids let them have it. I seem to be almost the only one left saying no.
I just don’t get it. Why are parents allowing preteens and younger to watch this crap? I watch you tube a lot and some of the stuff on there is just totally inappropriate for kids. Scary stuff, violence, awful language, sexualised stuff, just 1000 things I wouldn’t want my child graphically exposed to at 12. Do parents just not realise what their kids could be watching? Don’t they care? Am I in the wrong or too protective? What’s going on here. Please be gentle, parenting is hard at times particularly as they grow up. I’m not a stranger to teens- I have a 16 year old also but this doesn’t seem to have been so much of a problem with her!

You're protecting your son. How could that be perceived negatively? Being only 12 he is still a child and he has many more years to be exposed to content he will no doubt see, so I admire you for having this standard and not just letting him because it's easier. Good parenting means hard choices sometimes.

Thank you for being positive - I really appreciate that! Sometimes you feel like the villain - yes it’s hard choices and harder still to keep to your resolve when you are being worn down weekly

I agree with you. Stick to your guns. I also agree with him not wanting to appear babyish. So he will just have to not watch YouTube on the bus. No big deal.

Yes, the trouble is it doesn’t end there. His friends are making their own you tube channels and asking him to subscribe, lots discussing content on their own channel or their favourite you tubers / memes they have seen that week or whatever. It’s a whole social thing it seems

It's a shame but it is a social thing with a lot of neutral content and realistically not something you can prevent him from watching forever.
He could access it on a browser rather than the app, a friends phone, school computers, he could make a private email address easily and then have his own account. If it's something he really wants he will work out ways around it, especially as he gets older.

In theory, I like the idea of keeping them from it especially knowing all the tripe that is accessible and unregulated on those sites. It is worrying and totally understandable that you want to prevent him from going on there.
But at a certain point a blanket ban on youtube (or any online sites) just works out like abstinence only sex education. They will still go there but they will be doing it without being taught how to do it safely and what to look out for as dangerous (Andrew Tate/ extremism/ doxxing etc) and if they do see anything scary or that they were not prepared for- they might not feel able to come to you because they fear getting in trouble for using youtube.

There are things you could do to make it safer- teaching him about risky content and how to recognise manipulation etc and things like letting him use it but not have an account so he cant subscribe or comment, or letting him have an account but only if you are also logged into it at the start. So you can block mature content, see who he is subscribed to and that he is not making silly comments.
A lot of content on youtube is totally fine and videos his friends make are not going to be any worse than the things they say in person and he can learn to navigate away from anything that makes him uncomfortable.

We've blocked YouTube on my 13yo's phone, he can use it on the TV at home.

Be aware though, if they have WhatsApp they can watch any YouTube link a friend sends them, even if you have blocked YouTube. As we discovered. There seems to be no way around that.

Thank you! Yes I know there is content that is fine to watch- I don’t mind that and we watch together sometimes on the channels I know are fine.
Friends content is also fine. It’s all the other content that’s not fine that I don’t want him exposed to and also all the shorts which are terrible for attention span.
He can’t access it via a browser as his phones doesn’t have safari or anything. Any apps have to be approved by me. I can tell exactly what apps have been used and for how long on the iPhone screen time section on my phone.
He could look at a friends phone but that wouldn’t be for long or just scrolling on his own as kids don’t really give over their phones to other kids for long periods!
Phones are totally banned at school- no one dares get them out because the punishment is severe - their school is strict.
The school computers are heavily monitored and in a public space. I can guarentee you no one is going on dodgy you tube videos there.
He can’t make a private email address as he doesn’t have a browser and anyway if he can’t access you tube what would be the point?
You tube on the TV has a password now because before that he was accessing it when I had spoken at length about not accessing it when I’m not around.
Its taken off all other devices like PlayStations etc.
Of course he will have access to it when he’s older. Not debating that but he’s only turned 12 a month ago so quite young to be seeing the not so nice content on there.

How can they? It would be a link to safari or a browser. My son doesn’t have access to a browser or Google etc.

It's really hard but I agree with you. The issue for me with YouTube is that they get sucked into really dark stuff so easily. Same with Instagram.

Three examples from people I know:

Year 8 child looks up a video about how to do a certain type of braid. Is very quickly served up loads of beauty content and starts asking about ridiculously expensive products (collagen, retinol?!) she had no interest in previously.

Year 11 likes running and looks up videos about training. Is very quickly served up videos about faddy diets and bikini bodies.

Middle-aged mum looks up information videos from doctors about peri menopause and is quickly directed to the plastic surgery clinics because she obviously need a facelift

And that's just from looking up practical useful stuff.

It's hard to not let them on it at all but I think you have to be all over what they watch - which takes ages. But clearly if they're looking up how to do their maths homework etc that's quite helpful.

I'm glad there's now more push back from parents and schools as the evidence piles up about how harmful a lot of it is. As you say even the attention deficits that short form video encourages. But you still get a lot of parents allowing free access as they either don't understand the potential problems, don't think there are any or can't be bothered with the hassle of managing it

If you have Android phones the Family Link settings allow you to edit content settings on YouTube. So DS doesn't have YouTube kids but we have content controls on YouTube

I'm amazed by this. I use YouTube quite a bit (crochet tutorials, embroidery stuff, looking for info about plants etc, music videos and the occasional compilation of people falling over kind of stuff) and I can honestly say, in the several years I've been doing it, I have never come across any dubious content. I thought all that was on TikTok, Snapchat etc. My kids are grown up so I don't have to worry about them but I do have grandchildren so I'll be vigilant from now on. Thanks.

Don't ask me! It seems to be embedded in WhatsApp.

If he has WhatsApp, you could try sending a YouTube link to his WhatsApp and see if you can open it?

I was quite shocked when I discovered this!

I agree with this. My son is the same age and has the normal "grown up" YouTube app on his phone, but his account is locked to use only YouTube Restricted mode. The filters probably aren't infallible, but the dodgiest content should be screened out. If I forced him to use the YouTube Kids app he'd be much more likely to push back or look for workarounds, but this way he doesn't complain about looking babyish in front of friends and hopefully will tolerate the restrictions for much longer.

My 10yo watches YouTube a lot. On occasion we will find her watching something we consider inappropriate, but not often. She is very good at identifying stuff that she considers inappropriate (or thinks we would) and skips past it.

If you are going to do this then I think it is important to give your DS tools to handle any comments he may get from peers.

Maybe a casual "I don't really care about YouTube, I like being outdoors or playing football" etc

Being alienated from peers and feeling left out is very damaging.

I don't think you are wrong to not let him have it, social media is becoming terrifying... but you do need to help him with things to say when asked about it.

I do understand where you're coming from but in recent years the YouTube algorithm has gotten much MUCH better at not directing idle watchers to disturbing stuff from their starting point. Tiktok & IG & FB however are diabolical still. I asked fb not to show me dead sportsppl, it showed me more. Out of the blue I got crap loads of Andrew Tate poison & then fetish breastfeeding stuff.

Son sent me a link to a funny tiktok, it opened in browser cos I don't have it & when that finished it autoplayed another video which was of a dog being mauled to death - ngl I was in tears.

I watch a LOT of YouTube (gaming content largely) & have had nothing like that happen in years.

YouTube is the equivalent of TV in the 80's & 90's, in terms of how it's used, so I'd find a way to restrict & monitor the full app, not restrict him to the kids one.

Edited to ad - the one thing I'd consider is paying not to have adverts cos some of them are exactly what you're worried about.

Randomly scrolling through YouTube without searching for horrible things will not produce an algorithm that shows sex violence and nudity. I watch tonnes of true crime yet when I’m randomly scrolling I have people making cakes and that really annoying git trying to guess what order the coloured cups should go in.

Not letting your son grow up naturally and restricting his viewing will cause resentment and a distant child. I was pretty relaxed about to viewing and video game use. I have two really well rounded kids with good exam results and excellent jobs.

Thank you for all your replies! We all use iPhones but I wonder if there is the restricting mode I can use? Anyone used this with an iPhone?
The trouble my son is a typical curious / fairly silly / immature 12 year old who doesn’t think much about actions. I can imagine him easily typing searching something not great out of curiosity and then getting darker and more inappropriate videos.
I don’t mind him watchingpeople playing age rated 12 video games but don’t want him watching GTA for example. There are some excellent creators playing rated 18 horror games- but I don’t want my son seeing those either just yet.
True crime can be interesting but there are also so many videos detailing the most graphic horror crimes the modern world has known.
There is plenty of soft porn.
Of course I know my son is going to see stuff on others phones etc but that’s a bit different to him being able to view it on his own device multiple times per day etc.

Thank you for your advice! I will certainly see if I can find a way to restrict it! That would be a good solution

I mean I have always let ny children watch YouTube om their phones but their accounts are signed in on the TV so I can see what rhey watch if I really want to.

However, it is your child and your parenting. You know what's best fir him and if you think he isn't responsible enough, dont give in just because he can't watch YouTube on the bus. Does he not have any other streaming services he could use??

I will do that and see what happens! I will report back!

Thanks for your reply-
which other streaming services- like Netflix? We have 2 users on there already with DH and DD using it but I guess I can look into paying for more users. Not sure he watches anything much on there though!

@WhiteLily1 good luck, it really is a minefield trying to keep kids safe online. Have a really honest talk with him about not being able to un-see stuff. You've probably an example of it happening to you (there are several things I wish I'd never seen) so use that to illustrate what you mean. Get in the habit of being open about the content you watch so it doesn't seem secretive, get him to share things with you that he has enjoyed.

Be honest - there's vile stuff out there but generally seems to be fb et al rather than YT. Make sure he understands that stuff can really really affect you in a way that's not shits & giggles at all.

I think this is a bit of a nonsense tbh. YouTube Kids is clearly designed for and aimed at much younger children, so I’m not surprised your DS doesn’t want to use it.

Of course there is some inappropriate content on YouTube (as there is on every platform) but equally there is lots of completely harmless and actually educational stuff on there. I certainly haven’t seen any evidence to suggest that YouTube is so dangerous that 12 year olds (who need to be starting to develop their own digital skills) need to be completely banned from it.

I think you need to unclench a bit and allow him to use it in a sensible and controlled way rather than risk him accessing it through friends’ devices or whatever.

Tbh I’m not surprised you say he is a bit immature when he is being kept away from normal activities that virtually everyone else his age is doing and being prevented from developing his own media literacy skills.