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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable in feeling hurt and excluded after I kindly offered for DS to see ex MIL during my weekend?

23 replies

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 21:14

Six months after the separation with exH and things appeared to go brilliant, we were developing a strong friendship and managing to continue seeing friends and family together even as a separated couple.

The exMIl (the legenday lunatic that has brought so much misery to us) has come from Spain to visit exH. DS is meant to spend all the weekend with me, but because his grandmother is here I decided to be nice and said to exH that if he wanted DS to spend more time with him so his mother could see more of him, that it was OK with me.

Through out this time we have been working to make things easier on everyone with the objective in mind of being able to spend important dates together without feeling uncomfortable between us. Despite the unreasonable behaviour of his family, I offered, yet another time to put things behind us and start afresh. So, we decided that tomorrow, we all would go for dinner and they will keep DS overnight.

So exH has just come around to tell me that his mother loves me very much () but doesn't want to see me, so they will collect Jules, perhaps a coffee at my house but that I'm not to be included in the dinner...

Am I unreasonable in asking to go back to the original plan, that is, DS and I sepnding some quality time together as we do in our weekends without seeing the ex family?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 18/04/2008 21:19

I don't think you should withdraw the offer but perhaps not offer it again in the future. I think it's your ExMIL who's behind it rather than your ex. Be the bigger person I guess.

Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 22:03

I think that withdrawing the offer will backfire big time but... why should I allow her to continue treating me like that when I am not even with her son anymore?

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Sparkletastic · 18/04/2008 22:06

I'd be sorely tempted to keep DS away too but then I guess you would not just be punishing ex-MIL but also DS and exH. I think you are being generally fabulous and grown up. Ex-MIL isn't. Karma is gonna get her....

CarGirl · 18/04/2008 22:07

I think your ExMIL has made it clear that she doesn't like you but will be civil/polite etc if you couldn't get on when you were together I wouldn't waste energy trying to make it something better now. I would just leave it to your ex to arrange to see his family in his time etc.

Also 6 months is still quite a raw time all around and tbh you need to have clear emotional distance between you before you can become friends etc.

That's just my experience.

Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 22:12

If karma really existed she would have bursted in flames years ago...

BTW, we have DS in alternate weekends so it's not as if I'm ruining any oportunity to see them.

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Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 22:14

Is not raw Cargirl, the problem had been going for ages so we both have moved on quite quickly.

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Sparkletastic · 18/04/2008 22:18

could you swap weekends with ex-H so ex-evil-MIL gets to see DS or doesn't it work like that?

Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 22:22

I could, but as he has so many trips scheduled for the next weeks, we wouldn't be back into regular schedules until mid july, this is just adding another to it. Which is unfortunately unsettling for DS.

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Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 22:23

BTW this is just the second day DS has been with me this week, as ex has "borrowed him" several days over the last week.

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CarGirl · 18/04/2008 22:24

that is an added whammy MYSAI, chalk it up to experience ready for the next visit from Spain........

Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 18/04/2008 22:26

TBH, it is not the swapping that hurts me, that can be done no problem, it is being left on my own when we had organised this dinner to include all of us.

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PortAndLemon · 18/04/2008 22:28

You could just smile sweetly and say that you apprecate his mother doesn't want to see you, but that if she does want you to voluntarily give up part of your weekend so that she can see more of your DS then she's going to have to compromise and/or prioritise, so can he call you back and let you know whether you are going ahead with the dinner as planned or she just wants to call the whole thing off and have DS stay with you?

Flibbertyjibbet · 18/04/2008 22:36

If it weren't for ds, would you even be considering going out for dinner with ex and his mother? Thought not. So have a nice evening in, pamper your self, and then tell ex that you will be having ds for the next three weekends, so that he in effect misses one.
Make it clear too that in future your respective times with ds should be respected and he needs to ask his mother to plan her next visit around when ds will be with her dad anyway.
You are being very mature, as others have said, smile sweetly at her

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 18/04/2008 22:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but you are probably being a little naive to think that his family will happily move on because the both of you have.

Pamper session?

BEAUTlFUL · 18/04/2008 22:48

There's a lot in your posts about how much you still socialise with your ex. It sounds like you miss the social side of coupledom more than anything else, and that it's the being left alone at the weekend that's really hacking you off... Could you use the time to boost your social life a bit, maybe ring up lots of old friends, etc?

BEAUTlFUL · 18/04/2008 22:49

Are you still keen on your ex? I know that's a vv personal question, so feel free to tell me to back off.

soapbox · 18/04/2008 22:52

I'm rather bemused by this TBH. Why would you even contemplate wanting to spend time with your exMIL? Why was that ever the plan?

I might understand it if it was an exMIL that you had previously had a fabulous relationship with, but not in these circumstances.

I think you need to accept that your relationship has ended and that your son will now have a relationship with his father and his family that does not include you.

It is up to you to decide whether you accommodate your DH and his family by varying your time with DS, but I think it is madness to put yourself in the equation too.

elkiedee · 18/04/2008 22:56

At that notice, you've not had the time to plan the evening for a nice night in or out or with other people and without DS. Don't know the answer to what you should do though. Whatever you do do, I think you should make it clear to your ex and preferably his mum as well how you feel about things. And tell him not to say something like "she loves you but she doesn't want to see you" - it's not loving to exclude you.

Kitti · 18/04/2008 23:48

Don't put yourself through having to see her. It is hurtful and that's exactly what she wants to do - hurt you but don't let her get in the way of your plans to be civil - just let her have this weekend and go and have a facial/nice relaxing time - you don't have to be so generous next time round.

Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 19/04/2008 09:32

PortandLemon that's exactly my point. If I am giving part of my weekend off for her to see her, why is then that she goes even further and says "yes, but without his mother"?

Flibberty, actually I would welcome the night off. But I'm starting to think he is abusing the flexibility. I have been swapping the days so often to allow him to cover his work commitments that now I have problems at work.

MrsDior You are SOOOOOOOO... RIGHT... I will keep that in mind for the future, the fact that us are getting well, and my family has continued treating him as part of the family doesn't mean it has to be the same in the other side.

Beautiful Yes, we are friends, but if there were still a tiny microscopic speck of attraction/interest in being a couple, betweeen the 2 of us, we would be still trying (as we had for the last few years). The socialising with him is not because I'm afraid to be alone, I was the social person in this relationship, and have taken care for him to be included when I'm invited because I didn't want him to feel ostracised. Perhaps more of a mothering instinct rather than anything else. And no, I don't miss the social part of coupledom, it is far more social now

Soapbox... you are so right. I think that I have to keep the past in perspective, despite my usual forgive and forget mentality..

So... I'm having a nice day with friends today, but I think that I'm going to set a precedent today, while I would have allowed me to walk all over me before I'm going back to the scratchboard: this is my weekend, I was willing to compromise, but as the suggestion has changed and it doesn't suit the needs of everyone involved I will spend the weekend with my lovely boy who has been telling me on the phone all the week how much he misses me. (and also to prevent him from telling something to his grandmother, as he couldn't understand yesterday when exH said she had said she loved me but didn't want me to come)

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Flibbertyjibbet · 19/04/2008 14:51

If it makes you feel any better, dp and I are very happy together but mil makes it quite clear that she likes to see her grandsons without me!

Can you imagine what she would be like if dp and I split up?

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 19/04/2008 20:00

MMS&I - You seem to have come to a really mature agreement with your ex and I'm sure that your ds will appreciate that when he is older. It's a shame about MIL, but aren't we supposed to hate them anyway?

Original poster

MeMySonAndI · 21/04/2008 18:58

Fliberty... yes I imagine! (like mine perhaps?)

MRsDior... yes!

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