What to do with my life

[Livi85]

Ok so long story and name changed for this

im stuck in a rut and need advice please

so me and hubby have been together for 22 years. I was 17 when we got together and both have ok jobs, nice house and 2 kids aged 13 and 5.
My husband used to be so much fun

we had our first child and we still had an amazing life. We struggled to have our 2nd

My ds2 hasn’t been the easiest, typical tantrums and just basically a hard work toddler, he also hated being comforted from anyone except me. Ds2 definitely drove a wedge into our relationship but is getting better.

my husband has been a useless dad to them since ds2 came along. He doesn’t do anything with them. We have argued over this numerous occasions and since ds2 has come along my husband has basically turned in to my 3rd child.

during the summer holidays, I had 1 week off with the kids, we did plenty of park visits/beach visits & dog walking plus I have an allotment so me and ds2 would go up there daily and do jobs but the weather was quite poor so we didn’t venture too far. Ds1 is a teenager so he just entertained himself by going out with friends daily

my husband had 1 week off and did absolutely nothing with them. all they did ALL DAY everyday was play on phones & watch YouTube on tv. Waiting for me to finish work at 4 so we could all do something together!! By this time either the weather turned bad or I was absolutely shattered from my 6-4 shift!!
he cooked them dinner once! My ds1 cooked dinner once! The other 3 days ds2 just had junk food all day until I cooked tea. I was livid at this. I was also the 1 that made most the brews. I think he made me 1 cuppa

they pretty much spent the whole day indoors!
I work from home so for the other 4 weeks of the school holidays that’s what the kids had already done. Sat there waiting for me to finish before I could take them to the park.

I was hoping this week my husband had off was a great opportunity for him to bond with them (especially ds2) but instead it was spent with me shouting at hubby to do something with the kids. His response was generally “we are waiting for you, I don’t like going places alone!!”
this has really been the straw that broke the camels back.

im stuck!! I’m pretty sure it’s the end of our marriage, he is like a dark cloud. Always shouting at the kids, for even giggling or acting silly. They are literally not allowed to do anything! Make a noise or have fun whatsoever!

ds1 is incredibly messy! Everything we ask him to do is met with “in a second” but never gets done, yes this is infuriating but I say to DH he is a typical teenager so don’t get would up! DH pretty much walks in from work and starts shouting at ds1! Not even a hello first!!

the kids don’t seem to listen to DH as he shouts that often it’s lost the effect, whereas I don’t shout often but when I do I blow up so the kids known they have pushed me to far

BUT if we have a family gathering (which is quite often) DH is completely different! The fun side comes out and he is a good dad ie kicking a ball around with them and play fighting! It’s like 2 different people!!!

I think I have passed the stage of caring now with DH. I feel like my life would be so much better if I was alone.
he watches football most nights on tv downstairs whilst I go upstairs to bed and watch tv. The summer has been awful as there is no football on so instead he has come upstairs with me and spoilt my night!

I got the allotment to enjoy time away from him but he has started coming there aswell so spoiling ‘my thing’

i have looked into renting but no way could h afford the prices around here

we have a caravan which is around 1 hour away but it would have to be me, move into for a time as I can easily work from there but that would mean me leaving the kids as it wouldn’t be fair on them having a 2 hour commute everyday for school

we can’t afford to buy another place but i suppose if we did divorce we would have to sell house/caravan and split the money and both buy small house

he doesn’t cook, rarely cleans unless I shout, never does laundry, doesn’t do any school runs and everything that goes with that. Doesn’t walk the dog. Doesn’t food shop. Doesn’t garden (apart from mowing the lawn) he will the odd time fill the dishwasher! Only if I ask and then the pots are thrown in because he is in a mood!!!

he does however do diy. So if I make a comment about him not doing anything his reply is “well you build these wardrobes” blah blah but the diy is probably once a month for something little! His last reply was “well you mow the lawn!!!” The lawn didn’t need mowing at the time and this was because I asked him to fill the dish washer!!!

im so sorry for the long post and I’m just wondering what everyone’s thoughts are please

sorry for the incredibly long post

aibu - he will get better when kids leave
ainbu- the grass is much greener elsewhere

Forgot to mention. I also have to wake him up most mornings for work as he has snoozed his alarm and missed his get up time. I have to make his pack up. If it’s not made he will buy something from work which costs £3.59 so x5 is quite a lot!!

im just sick of him and my life. He seems quite happy to just plod on 🤯

I fear if he was alone though he wouldn’t be able to manage. I control all the money and life admin. He is clueless as to who our mortgage is with or even who is own car insurance is with!! It’s crazy!!

Honestly you will be so much happier without him. Just see a solicitor and get the divorce going.

Don’t worry about how he will cope. My XH was the same, he didn’t know anything about finances etc, was horribly needy. They just find some other hand maiden to look after them.

Your DH will just locate and lock onto the nearest woman with a saviour complex or a “Desperate” demeanour and his life will carry on pretty much as it does now, just moved into another woman’s house.

You, on the other hand, need to think about having enough of a share of the assets to enable you and DC to be housed and fed. He will have to give you approximately 20% of his net pay. You might be eligible for UC?

Life doesn’t have to be this miserable. Being single is bloody marvellous.

It sounds like you are in a terrible rut - well he is. I would set aside time just the two of you if you can have childcare, a date where you can talk and have a real conversation about all of this before making your decision.

Yes this is exactly what his dad did, his dad’s second marriage, he married a woman that absolutely mothers him to death! She is so over the top controlling it’s unreal but he seems happy enough!

I think my husband would carry on with the marriage even if he hated it as he just hates change and sticks his head in the sand! He is actually a really nice person and would literally do anything for anyone - except me and the kids

Hi thanks for your reply. Yes I definitely need to have a good talk with him. Today may be a good day as he is finishing work early. Everything I tell him though just doesn’t sink in. I said the other day we need to find a way to live separately and 10 minutes later he was acting like nothing had been said!! 🤯

I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds so frustrating and is completely unfair. There's a saying that goes 'the time to leave is when you see no coming back'. If you think it is the end of your marriage then it most likely is. I think a lot of people will reply with divorce.BUT I want to play devil's advocate here. You are clearly resenting you DH right now, and it certainly sounds like he isn't happy with his life either at the moment. Instead of approaching his laziness/lack of initiative/uselessness with despair "why haven't you made the kids dinner?" "Why do I have to do everything?" Etc. can you reframe. How can we have a happier house? What does everyone need? Does he need clear instructions or a routine eg. Every Tuesday he takes DS1 to a club. If they can bond over a regular activity maybe their relationship will start to improve? Being honest about how you feel is so important but I don't think it is healthy to do it in a confrontational/accusational way. In a strange way your DH probably feels underappreciated/overwhelmed/unhappy. It's wrong that you should have to do everything but rather than seeing your DH as a third child (he probably picks up on that) try treating him like an adult who is sad. How can I help you? Flip it the other way and see what happens? Just some suggestions. Wish you all the best x

This is extremely helpful and definitely something that I am going to try.
yes he definitely has picked up on my third child approach and yes I have been confrontational with most things as I’m just so frustrated!! And tired of it all

me and the kids just seem happier in general when we are alone and I think he sees that aswell so maybe he is feeling very out of place and like a stranger in his own home. I will have a discussion with him later and see if there is a way back from this

thank you for your reply, it really does mean a lot

You're welcome. Hope it all goes well

This is very sad as it does sound like you still think your husband is a man you like but his behaviour is what you don’t like.
I haven’t got any wise words but hope you find the right way forward for you and your children. Having a 5 year old is tough when you’re not in the trenches together. Especially when you can see a bit of your own life coming back with a teenager doing his own thing. The only thing I can think of is having some family babysit regularly and get out with your husband for a night of fun and see where you’re at. Is he still in there? Do you still have good sex and lots of love between you? Good luck

I would prepare a list of ALL of the chores, mental load, everything. He won't even realise half of it exists. Inc buying school uniforms by x date, sorting insurances, daily dishwasher, weekly bathroom clean, weekly bedding changes, the lot.

Divide into daily/ weekly/ monthly/ ad hoc.
Tell him you're currently doing 90% of this which he must agree is ludicrous - Ask him which of the 50% he would like to take - he has the choice. Tell him if it doesn't start happening WITHOUT you reminding him, you're leaving - and he'll have to do 100% of them in his own home for himself.

Honestly I would leave. Trying to sort it out and reenergise him is just more work for you. Why, on top of all the other things you have to do, should you be responsible for having to educate a grown man about the fact that spending your days like zombies is not acceptable parenting.

Saying he doesn’t want to do anything on his own is just utterly pathetic. I would never be able to regain respect for someone like this.

Whats the point of parenting with someone like this? The whole point of being in a team with someone is that they should be adding to and enhancing the experience of bringing your children up, not creating an additional set of jobs and headaches.

It is such a shame. His family only see the good side of him funny/fun dad they do know he doesn’t do a lot with them but I don’t think they realise the extent.

I’m just sick of being in a mood and actually dread him finishing work!! It would be better if we could live separately for a couple of weeks to see how we both feel but unfortunately we can’t.

we have definitely grown apart. I’m feeling better about myself reaching 40 than I did in my twenties!! I feel healthier and stronger and want to be more outdoorsy but whenever I suggest going for a ramble he always thinks of a way to say ‘No’

i also constantly think of my mam. She was unhappy in her marriage for years but didn’t leave my dad until I reached senior school. By that time she was hitting 50 and never found love again. She has spent many years very lonely. I always wonder if she had left him when she wanted too she may have met that special someone.

also the pp that asked about sex life. Well that has been terrible since I first met him but his fun/caring side always trumped the sex life. Now a days I don’t really want him anywhere near me and it’s me making excuses 😢

So today we had a chat (very briefly ) as I said we need to discuss a way forward. He asked why so I said it’s a number of things but mainly the kids and jobs at home and we need to figure out how to move on otherwise I fear for our marriage. His response. We are fine we will work it out!! Literally 10 minutes later, I’m out in the garden covered in mud from weeding and he is sweeping the front drive and I ask him is he going to infant school to collect ds2 (friday is the only day DH can do) and his response was “I’m kind of on the middle of something here, you will have to go!!!”

this is the story of my life!!! And since school I have cleaned up mess in garden, made tea, done dishes and cleaned up kitchen, empty bins and just now sitting down.
he has been sat down for approx 2 hours on his phone

he did ask though (the second I sat down exhausted) if I wanted to go out for a walk, I told him no as I’m too tired (been up since 2:30 and too be honest I just can’t be arsed! So that’s him trying to change but I have refused his efforts 🙈

You’re wasting your time, and your life on this one.

"BUT if we have a family gathering (which is quite often) DH is completely different! The fun side comes out and he is a good dad ie kicking a ball around with them and play fighting! It’s like 2 different people!!!"

This is image management. He doesn't want others to know how truly awful he is, so he puts on an act.
Please divorce him. He is traumatizing your children with his emotionally and verbally abusive behaviour.
He will most definitely not get better. This is who he is. When the kids leave home, you'll be the singular focus of his abuse.

"this is the story of my life!!!"

Then change the story. Do something about it.
I don't want to sound harsh, but you really need to face the reality that your life is always going to suck if you don't get rid of him.

I ask him is he going to infant school to collect ds2 (friday is the only day DH can do) and his response was “I’m kind of on the middle of something here, you will have to go!!!”

So at this point-did you stop what you were doing and scuttle off to collect DS as per his wishes... or did you calmly look him the eye and say 'yes I'm also in the middle of something and covered in mud. Why are you expecting me to go?'

You need to pull him up on his piggish behaviour. Every. Single. Time.

When you try to talk to him and he brushes it off with 'we'll be fine...'

NO. I will not be fine. We need to have this discussion. Just because you say we're fine does not mean I'm feeling fine. How dare you speak for me. Etc etc.

Time to stop being a martyr and get assertive.

Yes to be honest I did just scuttle off as I really couldn’t be bothered with the arguing. I think we are over but I’m just so unsure as how to move away from him. We have a gorgeous house but a lot of financial burden so we are a little stuck at the moment. 13 months from now a very large (to me) financial burden will stop which frees up a lot on money and the equity in our house should be big enough to split and pay off all debt then we both earn a good salary and earn quite equal so I’m sure after all debt is paid we should each be able to afford a mortgage on a very small house each. I just feel so awful splitting up a family because I’m bored and stuck in a rut. I just don’t want to waste my life thinking this is all I have to look forward too. I see pretty much every marriage where the husband does loads of cooking and playing with the kids whereas it’s constantly me. I even heard next doors dad getting very animated reading a book to his 2 children and they were laughing and squealing 😢 I don’t think my husband has ever read to either of my children and it makes me so sad for them

He has never read them a book? LTB