Asking ex for more maintenance

[Runninginhotpants]

Hi all. I’ll try to keep it brief…
I need some reassurance as I think I know the right answer but I have a huge thing about doubting myself and a tendency to feel guilt unnecessarily.
Ex and I have been split for 9 years. Three kids- two grown now but one still under 18.
A bit of history so not to drip feed- I have lived a past of emotional and financial abuse with this man and am now in a place where I have built my confidence up and don’t get drawn into his attempts to get to me by mastering the grey rock technique. He still however upsets my kids on a regular basis through completely shitty behaviour, typically stemming from drink which has caused some very awful situations for my kids to go through- and completely blurred lines of what is appropriate for a parent child relationship with manipulation and treating them like they’re pub mates. The reason I mention this because I am very much my kids emotional stable now and try as much as possible to keep the peace to avoid any backlash which he has no qualms about dishing out to them.
So here’s the issue I have… up until now, despite the shitty dad role he plays, he has always paid me maintenance on time and what I have always through was a fair amount. He is a high earner, although I don’t know his exact salary (part of our separation agreement stipulate that he was to provide a P60 each year to keep maintenance accurate) when we split he was a director and earning I think around 75k annually. In The last few years, he stopped giving me money for the eldest 2, and now gives me £550pm for the youngest, who stays over there maybe two nights a month). This figure alone (from 9 years ago) is below the CMS calculation, and not only this, he has in the past couple of years been made partner in his company. I know he’s earning more now but he hasn’t offered up any extra. If I’m honest I’m bloody petrified about bringing this up with him as I know it will provoke a nasty response and I actually don’t think I’m feeling strong enough to deal with it. I have this feeling of guilt too that I’m being greedy and I hate the thought that I am asking for extra money to fund my lifestyle- which is very basic- no fancy clothes, old car, definitely not a lavish lifestyle. I haven’t had a holiday with my kids since we split. Hes currently on his third this year. I keep telling myself that I put my life on hold for many years, as now just setting off in building a career as a student midwife (I waited until I knew I could commit to it) and have had the kids 90% of the time. Plus over the past few years life hasn’t been easy, I am just about making ends meet but am now regularly using my credit card to pay for basics and the balance is creeping up, it’s manageable but I have to budget and I know I’ll be paying this off for a while after I qualify. And I don’t know about others but just because my kids are over 18, they don’t suddenly stop needing financial support!
So heres the dilemma… am I being unreasonable? How do I approach this? I’ll be honest it’s making me really anxious but I can help but feel a bit screwed over.

I don't particularly disagree with you. In an ideal world then a decent man would want to step up and support their children. But if it was an ideal world and he was a decent man, you'd probably not have got divorced...

However, I think, rightly or wrongly, going forward, you're entitled to what the CMS calculation for one child is, and you have to manage your expectations.

It's worth talking to a solicitor to see if you've recouse to claim arrears from a court ordered agreement via court. But that is very separate to your CMS claim and the amount of maintenance you will get moving forward.

To be honest the last thing I want is ti be drawn into a lengthy dispute about arrears. I just want him to step up and provide what he should be providing going forward. I’m not an unreasonable person at all. Just far too trusting and a little emotionally weak to query something I should have queried a few years ago.
Im not out to get the guy, I would want nothing more that for him to work a job he likes, see the kids a balanced amount and treat them like a dad should. Sadly the drinking issue and I honestly feel some deep rooted stuff makes this something he isn’t capable of and he pushes people away with his behaviour. I just want a peaceful life- at the end of the day, if he’s was happy, it would be so much easier coparent with him but sadly he still has a revengeful streak when it comes to me and doesn’t want the same thing.
Im actually really looking forward to when my youngest is 18 and leaves school as I will have a clean break financially from him.

Well, you can work out what he legally should provide moving forward by using the CMS calculator for one child based on his current salary.

It's not necessarily morally as much a good father would provide, but it's what you're entitled to legally and all that you can pursue via CMS.

Whether arrears on court ordered maintenance are worth pursuing through court depends on what your solicitor advises based on costs involved and likelihood of success.

You're absolutely right to claim what's owed OP but it does sound a bit like you are asking for it now because the money for the older two has stopped and its left a whole in your budget a bit.
Id be worried that all this is going to do is kick the can down the road because when your youngest turns 18 he won't have to pay anything from then on - do you know what you'll do to manage without the money at that point?
It sounds like somewhere down the line you'll suddenly be hundreds down every month and its worth planning for that beforehand so that you are ready for it.

Thank you for this.
Just to clarify, the csm calculator (based on earnings 4 years ago- since which time he has made partner) is saying he should provide 1075pm. He’s currently paying £550. Approx 5% of his salary when he should be 12%. With partnership id imaging this is even less. I’m in no way after more than this. So both morally and legally I don’t think he’s doing enough at the moment.

Yeah to be honest this is the case- cost of living has hit me more than I anticipated and I do find things a struggle.
Long term, as I’ve said in previous posts, my career as a qualified midwife will begin in a year. I have already secured a job post qualification and will be able to stand on my own two feet from September next year- something I planed timing wise meticulously and worked very hard at uni for.

On another note- I also receive no help financially from universal credit- as a student my income doesn’t give any award (not that I expect it) and I was in the old tax credits but that stopped for the uc switchover. I do however receive CB for my youngest.

Great answer.