To be concerned about nursery care

[Botheredmum]

Hi all,
I have a toddler who is 1.5years. He’s my only child and has attended nursery since he was 1. so I don’t have loads of experience with a child attending nursery. He is in the youngest class, and occasionally, towards the end of the day, his class is combined with the class above to allow some nursery staff to leave.

Yesterday, I rang the buzzer for his nursery room, but got no answer. So as another parent was walking out, I walked in. Immediately, I could hear my child crying loudly from the end of the corridor. When I peered through the glass door he was standing alone at a table at the back of the room, crying. He was very upset.

There were 4 carers in the room. Each of them sitting quietly on the floor with 2-3 toddlers, but my kid was the only one alone, crying, and they weren’t looking at him or showing any signs of concern. I watched through the glass as I took my shoes off to enter, I must have looked concerned because when a staff member spotted me, she looked around at which baby I was looking at, and then got up to console him. She passed me my child, and said ‘he just started crying when he saw you! I didn’t know why he started crying so suddenly! He must have seen you through the door!” but I know he’d already been crying. His designated carer then came in. (I really like her and have a good relationship with her). While she updated me on his day, I asked if he ever cries during the day and she said yes, if he hurts himself or wants attention, but he’s generally fine. I looked over and the two of the staff were eye-ing each other from across the room in a knowing way and quietly laughing. Then immediately stopped when they realised I was watching.

I don’t get to collect him often because of my work hours, but this is the second time I’ve seen this kind of thing - so I don’t know if it’s more frequent. The last time I felt concern was when he was 12months, and when I saw him through the window, he was sitting alone looking distressed while all other infants were with staff - again when his designated carer was not there.

He’s generally an easygoing kid and doesn’t kick off unless he’s upset. But a few things are running through my head now: Is he not being cared for properly? Are they ignoring him when upset? Is he not liked? Are they weirded out by me asking questions?

Am I being unreasonable to be concerned about this? Should I say something?

I’m generally happy with him going to nursery, but every now and again I feel pangs… Really open to hearing if you think there is something/nothing to be worried about, but please, I’m honestly feeling concerned and don’t want to be attacked in the answers if you disagree.

Thanks in advance.

Go with your gut. Some of it can just be bad timing, but it sounds like more than that. It seems like no one takes over if designated carer has to do something.

I have watched the carers at my nursery comfort all the children. All the cuddles. But still sometimes I walk in and one is crying on the floor. Because they're not octopuses. Ratio is 1:3, there were 5 kids. One staff member was changing a nappy, the other pushing 2 other kids in a pram to sleep. Mine and another child were on the floor, mine was crying a bit because he wanted to be picked up. But the person pushing the prams was looking at and singing to him while he was on the floor (and I could see they were through the door before they even saw me), and I know that when the nappy was changed the other staff member would have gone and picked him up.

In general sometimes stuff needs doing and kids will cry when you do it, which is same as at home. My child is also very attached to a specific member of staff and cries when they leave their line of sight.

I also know for a fact mine does cry when he sees me, because I've seen him through the door not crying and smiling and waving around, then see me when I walk in and start bawling. You know in your case that's not what's happening.

I guess what I'm saying is, not one of the things necessarily screams it's awful, but there's clearly enough totalling up that its not quite right. And mums instincts are usually right.

This- it’s tailgating and most nurseries have signs up asking people to please not do this.

I'd look to move him - they immediately lied, the manager can haul them over the coals yes but that's not going to increase goodwill and that's what the problem is, a lack of goodwill towards your son, leaving him crying, and then eye rolls etc.

I've had two children in nursery from the end of mat leave to school age and always go with your gut.

Along with the comments about him crying for attention, I'd guess he's attached to his key person (normal and healthy by the way and literally what the key person system was supposed to promote) but it's annoying for the staff that he cries when she leaves so they are leaving him deliberately to cry it out and teach him crying doesn't get comfort.

This is pretty common in nurseries that don't really understand or value attachment - they do key people because they have to but actually it's much easier logistically if babies don't develop particular bonds and accept care from anyone.

Yep and OP should have asked them to close the door.

Thank you all for getting back to me.

As many have noted, tailgating isn’t allowed at the nursery. There are indeed signs at the door asking us to wait until answered. Usually I do. I’d rang the door bell and got no answer (I know now because his nursery class was empty). There was no one on the front desk at the time - first time that’s happened. I rang again, it was buzzing for some time and as I was waiting a parent came out and I caught the door. Either way, the tailgating is on me. I broke the rule there, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have seen my soon crying alone.

Many thanks to both Mums and nursery professionals who have given their thoughts and experiences.
I have to admit, I don’t feel yet that the nursery is a write off - his key carer is wonderful and so are most of the nursery staff, including the manager. It’s the nicest nursery in our area by a long shot.

It’s more about the set up when they join classes at the end of the day and the handover, and I need to ask what’s going on there, let them know what I saw and whether he is being left to cry - because that’s unacceptable to me. I’ll see how it goes and take decision from there. Many thanks to you all for taking the time.

It isn’t @Scummy0mummy