Dropping a friend

[Thunderpants88]

Just out of curiosity what are some reasons you have dropped a friend?

I am at this juncture where I was very close and spent a lot of time with someone. Then another women came on the scene and she has kind of gone off all pally with her with the same intensity she had with me. We chat occasionally but I’m calling time on the relationship we had and won’t put myself in a position to be hurt like that again. Also I have realised she will never admit to being wrong, is a gossip and very judgemental of others whig is just not my cup of tea and I shouldn’t have turned a blind eye to it for as long as a did. But at the same time it really stings. If feels like I am now second best and filled a void until someone “better” came along. I think that’s just a shitty way to behave. It’s now pretty awkward as we do see each other out often and it’s a bit tense and forced. But I’m standing firm and moving on.

what are reasons you have distanced / dropped a friend and do you have any regrets?

I dropped a friend once in my 20s I'm in my 50s now and still feel a bit bad about it. But she was always having dramas and I was always the friend providing emotional support, all our conversations became about her problems. One day I just realised that I had problems too and we never discussed those, she never even acknowledged that aspects of my life were hard too.

She said to me one day "you're so lucky" and I thought - I'm not lucky. I had a crap childhood compared to her, then I had an unexpected baby I couldn't afford, I also had to relocate to another part of the country where I didn't know anyone for my partner's job.

I had problems too but in her mind hers were always worse and mine were minor.

Friendships don't always last forever. I had a very good friend of several decades. I don't know exactly when it changed but over the years, she started to constantly make digs at me and interrupt me every time I tried to say something or undermine what I was saying. At first I ignored it and thought maybe I was being too sensitive but a mutual friend pointed it out and asked me what was going on. Since then I have gone LC and only swap the odd text. It was sad but also important for me to save my own sanity.

Yes, quite recently. It was 100% due to her phone addiction usage.
On the last occasion, I swore I would never meet up again.
We had a table booked for dinner before going to a concert.
I waited 20mins at the table and then rang her. She had got her route wrong.
Ironically didn't occur to her to text or ring me!
Arrived 25mins late, no apology, but the first thing she did was reach for her phone to check if her neighbour had taken in her Amazon parcel.

Flakiness or the friendship just running its course.

I dropped a friend who I really valued some three years ago.

My adult daughter ran out of our house in the early morning in pjs and bare feet to stop a man raping a girl outside our house.

I was totally shaken by this, so was my daughter (of course). So I had a tearful daughter dealing with police and I kept thinking that the man could have had a weapon and used it against my daughter.

I emailed my friend, I was in shock and dealing with my child who had been very brave, but was also shocked.

My friend didn't reply. I emailed again a week later, thinking she may have not got my first email. Oh, she'd got it ok, she was just too tired to respond.

You can diss me and I might forgive you, diss my child, and you and I are finished. My daughter was very brave that early morning as the Judge at the trial said, and has a police commendation to confirm it, but my so called friend, who knew my daughter fairly well, was too tired to ask how she was.

Flakiness also, I haven’t dropped her but I have backed off and am letting her ask to meet me rather then the other way around.

Do you fell a sense of sadness to end it?

So, you don’t like her any more, because she’s a judgemental gossip, but you’re still pissed off she prefers someone else? That’s like that Woody Allen sketch about the two women complaining about the restaurant: ‘Such bad food!’ ‘Yes, and such small portions!’

Yeah it’s exactly the same. Excellent observation

Ok, let me put it another way. Why are you so upset someone you’ve realised you don’t like has cooled off the intensity of her friendship with you?

@Ardrahan probably because she's human and things aren't black and white. It's normal to feel sad and a sense of loss when a friendship comes to an end, for whatever reason.

"Friendships don't always last forever. I had a very good friend of several decades. I don't know exactly when it changed but over the years, she started to constantly make digs at me and interrupt me every time I tried to say something or undermine what I was saying. At first I ignored it and thought maybe I was being too sensitive but a mutual friend pointed it out and asked me what was going on. Since then I have gone LC and only swap the odd text. It was sad but also important for me to save my own sanity."

There's always two sides to every story though. I became incredibly frustrated with a close friend after she'd relied on me heavily over the years. Always seeking out my advice and approval and I was happy to give her the help she wanted and asked for.

Until one day she decided that I was "undermining" her and started saying things like "I'm an adult you know". Yes, she is, and has been for the entire decades she's been using me as her emotional crutch and sounding board and telling all and sundry she can't cope without me propping her up.

My friend of years. I could write a book on the things she's done.
When I was getting married she asked if she could come dress shopping then proceeded to take over the rest of the wedding until her fiance told her to back off.
First family holiday I invited her on, I gave her the ensuite room with dressing room we had one bathroom upstairs for 6 of us, the year after we went away she walked in to the best room no thought for what I gave her the year before, we had the sofabed in the living room. I ended the friendship when she met a couple on holiday and proceeded to talk about this couple for years then they came to England for a weekend and invited everyone to meet them except me and my husband that was the end I was so hurt she could do that. Unfortunately I gave her a second chance. She offered my son who is at uni a job in this shop she works in and so he could keep it when he's home from uni I agreed to work the Saturday's then when he came home she had excuses why i should work instead of him. Basically wanting me to take his job, that was the end for good, pitting a mother against her son made me realise what a manipulative nasty person she is. Never again

I do really do friendships with a high level of intensity and expectation.
I certainly wouldn't cut someone off if they had grown closer to someone else and less close to me. I don't own anyone. Friendships naturally ebb and flow and it's not a personal attack or rejection.
I view friendships in a chilled flexible manner. I've got not time for drama.
I've got people who I'm friends with for different reasons.. groups who like hiking, groups who like films etc etc there's sometimes crossover and I like all of my friends very much.
The only times I've had to end a friendship are two times where people were really overstepping my boundaries regarding levels of contact and it was just too much. It was extreme and constant.. not just someone having a hard time for a while which I totally would understand.
There was one person I just ended up having to completely cut off sadly after a friendship of 15 years because of her level of intensity and the way it was effecting my own mental health. I'd tried multiple times to talk to her but nothing changed in her behaviour so it came to the end of the road.

I still miss the good times with my friend but she was very nasty to other people at times. I guess when it was my turn to get that treatment I stopped ignoring it. I expressed my hurt. She tried to gaslight me and also said I'd hurt her by accusing her of hurting me.
I have people giving me dirty looks in the street now, so lord knows what she told them about why I legged it. One of her friends secretly (and tellingly) sent me a birthday present and asked if I was ok, so not everyone believes her shit. Plus I know I'm worth more than accepting that kind of treatment from someone who professed to love me.

I dropped a friend for being really controlling, bossy and only being able to see her point of view. She was very short tempered with me. She made several comments about how I was bringing up DD (eg I wanted to stop breastfeeding at 6 months) and was rude to me when she stayed at my house.

It all got too much in the end. I didn't realise what our relationship had been like until I looked back.

I've dropped the same friend three times 😕

25 years ago, I got a bit sick of everything being a drama. She was lovely, but EVERYTHING was so serious and intense. She seemed to like it more when I was unhappy.

14 years ago we reconnected briefly when something really awful happened to me. PING, there she was. Initially grateful, I realised a few months later she was drawn to my genuine trauma, fancied a slice of it herself and managed to make herself the main character in my life. Bye.

3 years ago, we're both much older, married, kids. She randomly gets in touch to say she's visiting my neck of the woods so I thought, sure, we've all grown up, stay a night. I spent 48 hours bending over backwards to accommodate all the isms and allergies under the sun, listening to why I shouldn't eat this, do that, wear this, read that, or parent my child in any way that didn't make life impossibly hard for myself and everyone around me. And all while her incredibly boring DH sat in my living room getting stoned of his tits morning noon and night and cooked himself my food in my kitchen at odd hours without asking. She'd finally managed to create enough drama for herself.

It's a shame. I still think about her. I wish it was different. But I should have saved myself the hassle and learned the first time.

I was you last year - we’d been solid friends for 10 yrs, I started working from home a few yrs ago but we was was still close and then last year she became pally with another team member and slowly but surely she started to ghost me !! And even now she doesn’t no why we don’t talk anymore (she has mentioned this to others) well I know full well why we don’t talk and as soon as I could see what she was doing I also distanced myself and took her of my socials etc - it hurt like crazy as I don’t have a lot of close friends like 3 max and she was one of them - it’s taken a while to “get over” out friendship but I have and now I would tell her the reasons we don’t speak if she had the balls to ask but she doesn’t so I treat her like she has me and don’t communicate at all only if needed for work purposes - move on, she clearly has x

I have reduced the time I see a friend because of bad language. Not occasionally but all the time. Ffs, bi€/€h, etc etc. She is a lovely person but it just irks me out. We don't have the same upbringing but I'm not against swearing to underline how upset you are, but all the time it's just too much. I did tell her that she was foulmouthed and she laughed it off. Swears in front of her DC but god forbid if they would swear.

I've dropped a number of friends over the years.

one when I found out she'd been having a long standing affair. It just doesnt align with my values and to me it says she's completely comfortable with lying and deception. I also didnt want to be implicated in any way as she asked me not to tell anyone else in our friendship group. I still see her but keep conversation purely factual.

One who made a number of racist comments after a few drinks on a night out.

Another after a "3 strikes and you're out" approach. She let me down 3 times (not turning up/turning up late/not keeping her side of the bargain on something).

Anotherbecause I could not bear the continual negativity and jealousy and little jibes about how unlucky/unhappy her life was and how "lucky" I was.

It's important I think to know your value (and values!) and what you stand for. If you repeatedly come away from spending time with them feeling down or rubbish then just dont do it any more! (I realise that sounds like a lot of people being dropped but then I am quite old lol!)

You have decided to drop her and you know the reasons why. So you should move on and not give her (and her meanness) another thought. There are plenty of people out there and as you go through life you cant remain friends with everyone!

I dropped a 40+ year friendship a few years ago. I had grown to see how this friend treated other people (not me) and I didn’t want to spend any more time with her. The truth is she’d been a horrible child and I’d only really grown close with her in our mid teens.

I dropped a friend with whom I had almost coexisted for three years, a few years ago. We’d been the sort of friends who would message constantly all day every day about everything. But over time it became clear that our approach to life, parenting, politics, everything, was different. I ended up coming away from every conversation feeling worse than when I’d gone in and realised we weren’t good for each other. We drifted apart naturally for a while after a particularly upsetting spat and I didn’t make efforts rekindle the friendship. Neither did she. Eventually un followed her on social media and deleted our chats from my phone. Felt a lot better ever since although I do miss the close relationship.

I dropped a close friend many years ago. Her life didn't move on with the rest of the friendship group as she could never take on board feedback and it was everyone else that was at fault. She just did not grow ams change as a person. She became so angry and bitter. Then something major happened in her life and she lied to me about it, it was her that had started the situation not the person she blamed. I then caught her lying to me again and I had enough. I was like apologise for lying or the friendship is over. She would not apologise so I cut her off.

A lot more lying came to light later. I never regretted it.