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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex withholding child maintenance?

42 replies

kp35 · 05/09/2024 15:20

I know we probably have these threads all the time on here...

But AIBU to think this is the lowest of the low and financially abusive?

Have a child with ex who is still a baby. He's never been regular with seeing him, just turns up when he wants. Every 6 weeks or so. Never had him on his own.

Initially applied through CMS but ex convinced me we could do it amicably between us. Big mistake. Has been mostly paying but usually late or less than agreed. He's a decent earner.

Suddenly requested to start having our son for the whole weekend, Friday through to Monday. I'm okay with it in principle, realise it's my child's right to see their Dad etc.
but as he's not been seeing him regularly or consistently I simply asked that we build up to that, 1 whole day, then 2 whole days, then do the overnights. I think it was reasonable and in our sons best interest to get used to the change.

He threatened not to pay the maintenance. And followed through.

I've offered him days but he says unless it's the whole weekends like he's asked for he's not giving "me" any money.

The money I get for our child doesn't even cover half of the costs monthly, nursery etc. I do all the caring and running around as I work full time too.

His parents and friends think he's a wonderful man.

Frustrated as I can't and would never opt out of providing for my child.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 05/09/2024 16:29

I would actually just block him if he has other ways to get in touch like through your address.
Until he sorts the BC out he has nothing more to do with you or your baby than anyone else you pass on the street.

Whilst I wouldn't standing the way of their relationship, you also don't need the stress and he can get in touch via letter from himself or a solicitor. If he isn't up for doing that and going to a bit of effort he's likely to be flaky for the next 18 years

Changeiscomingthisyear · 05/09/2024 16:35

kp35 · 05/09/2024 15:47

Not sure why he's decided to try and step up now. Could be a new gf or family who knows?

To be honest I'd be quite pleased if he did a bit more, gives me a break, just want him to be reliable and build up gradually.

Now he's done this it's left me feeling angry and disappointed. He clearly doesn't have our sons best interests at heart.

@Singleandproud, was there any particular reason the courts said 4 years old in your case? I've heard it's often overnights from 2

Not sure why he's decided to try and step up now. - Maybe he wants to pay less CM.

kp35 · 05/09/2024 17:03

@Changeiscomingthisyear the thought has crossed my mind.

If he has DC 3 nights per week it would reduce significantly. Not that he's paying atm anyway Grin

I actually wouldn't mind him doing this in future, if he was reliable, and lived closer.

But every weekend and leaving it to me in the week to all the nursery or school runs and whatnot... isn't exactly fair and won't be happening.

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 05/09/2024 17:08

It’s good that you went to CMS.

Assuming that you work Monday to Friday, don’t give him every weekend. You should keep every other weekend for baby to spend time with you and your side of the family. Changing the status quo later will be a pita so you should start as you go on.

I would wait to see if he took the legal route. Yanbu to think that contact should be built up from a 1 night weekend to 2 then 3 (if he can pick up before bedtime on Friday night) and it won’t be looked at unfavourably so don’t worry about that.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/09/2024 17:18

kp35 · 05/09/2024 16:23

I've been told by a solicitor if he applies for PR and to go on the birth certificate, that he would be given that.

I haven't offered him to go in it recently, it was in the past. I just mean he knows full well he isn't on there, and the implications of that. But hasn't been bothered to sort it out.

He might be. Certainly if he is up to date with his CMS and is being a responsible Dad it's highly likely that YOU might give consent and smooth the way. Otherwise he'll have to get a court order which will cost him. If he's bothered enough, he'll get on with it.

Given the level of flakiness so far, I see no reason why you would proactively put this in place.

raspberryberet7 · 05/09/2024 17:37

millymoo1202 · 05/09/2024 15:22

Just go through CMS, don’t engage with him

This

DillyDilly · 05/09/2024 17:49

Whatever you do, don’t agree to every weekend, you need weekends with your DS too on days that don’t have the work/nursery/school weekend.

tothelefttotheleft · 05/09/2024 20:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2024 15:28

His parents and friends think he's a wonderful man.

His parents raised this arsehole so it's unsurprising. And twats of a feather flock together.

I love this succinct reply!

kp35 · 06/09/2024 09:06

I think he's had the letter from CMS or some contact... I had a notification last week that they had verified his details and were in the process of contacting him...

Because strangely last night I suddenly got the maintenance payment and a message from him saying "I've sent YOUR money 👍".

Maybe he thinks if he pays now I will drop the CMS case. But I will carry on as then he can't keep messing around.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 06/09/2024 09:16

Yes, once CMS is involved it adds a middle 'man' and reduces the emotions involved, you'll get it reviewed every year and they'll tell him how much he has to pay and to change the standing order to.

caringcarer · 06/09/2024 10:01

millymoo1202 · 05/09/2024 15:22

Just go through CMS, don’t engage with him

This and tell his friends and family the wonderful man isn't paying child maintenance for his DC.

AgileGreenSeal · 06/09/2024 10:10

Financial support is entirely separate from contact.

This “wonderful” man is being ridiculous to conflate the two!

Get on to CMS and tell them what has happened. They will probably let him make regular payments by standing order in the first instance. The MOMENT he fails to pay get back to them. They will take it directly from him & 20% for admin. You will lose a small percentage (4%) I think, but it’s worth it to have regular payments.

As far as contact goes I would let him take you to court (especially as he’s not on the birth cert) to make those arrangements if you aren’t happy with him having overnight contact with your child.

Keep any documentation to the effect you have offered incremental increases in contact for the wellbeing of your child which the father has rejected.

Do not engage with him except through one specific email account for the purpose of minimal information sharing regarding your child. Refuse to engage on any other subject.

best wishes xx

kp35 · 06/09/2024 10:18

@caringcarer his family friends support him and don't think he should have to pay (I've been deemed "grabby"), because our child wasn't planned and he didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy.

OP posts:
kp35 · 06/09/2024 10:18

@AgileGreenSeal if it goes to collect and pay does that mean is employer will know too? I think he would absolutely hate that.

Hopefully once it's set up he does pay the correct amount on time.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/09/2024 10:19

kp35 · 06/09/2024 10:18

@caringcarer his family friends support him and don't think he should have to pay (I've been deemed "grabby"), because our child wasn't planned and he didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy.

That's disgraceful. Go through CMS.

AgileGreenSeal · 06/09/2024 13:29

kp35 · 06/09/2024 10:18

@AgileGreenSeal if it goes to collect and pay does that mean is employer will know too? I think he would absolutely hate that.

Hopefully once it's set up he does pay the correct amount on time.

I think his employer would know if that was the case, yes.

It is totally up to him to avoid that happening if he pays what CMS have determined he should every month on time.

AgileGreenSeal · 06/09/2024 13:41

AgileGreenSeal · 06/09/2024 13:29

I think his employer would know if that was the case, yes.

It is totally up to him to avoid that happening if he pays what CMS have determined he should every month on time.

@kp35
I got this from the gov.uk website

Collect and Pay
The Child Maintenance Service can collect payments from the paying parent and pass them on to the receiving parent. They can take the payment directly from the paying parent’s:

  • earnings (arranged with their employer)
  • bank account (by Direct Debit)
  • benefits or pension
You do not need to have any contact with the other parent.“

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/payments

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