Are actions more important than intentions in being a nice person?

[Kindkitty]

AIBU to think that being a ‘nice’ person is more about actions than intentions? What do you feel makes someone genuinely nice? Do you consider yourself a nice person, and if so, why?

I was having this conversation with my brother recently, that's a coincidence!

My brother tends to excuse all kinds of behaviour on the basis that the person had 'good intentions'.

I don't believe that's true. One can have all the intentions one wants but it's actions that count.

My intending to ring a lonely elderly relative, but not getting round to it because I was 'too busy', is not excused by the fact that I intended to ring said relative. The net result is that the relative continues to have a lonely day without a phone call.

To invoke Godwin's Law (early in the thread I know!) - Hitler had good intentions. His belief that Jewish capitalists were exploiting the German people were most sincerely held. He absolutely had nothing but the best intentions for his beloved German people and thought that the actions he took in seeking to expand the Third Reich and 'destroy its enemies' were absolutely the best thing for them.

As my old gran used to say, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Interesting question. Bring nice is about motivation. A person can do lots of good in the world, but if they are doing it for the praise or attention or because they gain from it, they aren't nice people. That doesn't negate from the value of their actions to the recipient though. Genuine niceness is doing something good for another person, just because you can, without thinking of or needing personal reward or public validation. It's also in not putting the boot in or being bitchy - it's in choosing to be decent, even when it goes against what you really feel like doing.

Most people are a mix of nice and not nice at different times, depending on circumstances.

Niceness shouldn't be confused with charm or charisma - I've been burnt a few times by people who give a very good appearance of being nice but are inherently selfish and bitchy.

And yes, agree with pp that you have to follow through on good intentions - the thought means little without the action to back it up.

I think that "people pleasers" often think they are nice, or even too nice, but (without their realising or necessarily caring) that it comes at the cost of those closest to them. Anyone who's been in a relationship with one, or who has one as a close family member, will know how frustrating/invalidating etc. it can be when they commit to doing something inconvenient for someone because they "can't say no" and "look like the bad person", but don't seem to realise that their own partner/family consists of "people" too. I think in that case, the intention (looking good to people) outweighs any good in the action.

Edited for clarity.

I think there are different factors. Sometimes to be a nice person in a situation you have to be brave. What if you’re a nice person but you’re also very anxious. You may want to intervene when a woman is being harassed on a train but you may not want to risk your own safety for someone you don’t know. But you would risk your own safety to save a loved one.

To be good do you have to be selfless? Should we give all our money to charity instead of going on holiday or buying ourselves nice coffees? Is being a martyr the same as being nice? It’s all very complicated. Not to mention when it comes to parenting for example you have to be “cruel to be kind” and not be “nice” by letting your kids eat sweets all day and stay up until midnight.

Intentions without actions are pointless.
But if you act in a way that's intended to be nice but goes wrong, well then you shouldn't be blamed if it couldn't be reasonably predicted. e.g. a present intended nicely but the person takes offence.

I think being "nice" is very much down to your personality and therefore can be displayed in a variety of ways. As long as the intention has the other person's best interests at heart, and not self serving then surely all forms are good?

I think it's all about actions. The converse applies too, imo - you can think whatever you want within the four walls of your own head, as long as it doesn't affect your behaviour.

Can you separate actions from intentions?

Being nice is subjective. One person's nice is another person's smothering. To me, you're nice if you're pleasant, kind and considerate.

Indeed. ‘Thinking you are nice’ or ‘thinking you act with good intentions’ is no guide to anything, really. People-pleasers often have an entrenched idea of their own ‘niceness’ (other people are ‘users’, but they are ‘nice’), but are often simmering with unconscious resentment because offering acts of service to others all the time hasn’t ‘worked’.

I don’t think I’m ‘nice’ at all. I have no ambition to be. I think it’s a fairly meaningless term. I’m not the kind of person someone’s going to describe as ‘lovely’ on first meeting. What I do try to be is someone who understands herself, and acts with fairness, honesty and compassion towards myself and others as far as possible.

Deeds over words.

Every single time

I think it is about both.

Actions, yes, but sometimes, even, about things that you want to act on, think through, and don't do/ stop yourself doing.

This is possibly outing, but I know of it only at arm's length, however, it switched a light on for me that gave a totally different perspective.

There was a swimming gala for young children held. A line of them jumped into the pool to start a race. Not far into the race, it became clear that one of them was a poor swimmer and was in difficulty.

The teen lifeguard jumped in and - with everyone else finished - helped and encouraged the child to get to the end their way and finish the race, slowly.

I know I'd have gone with the first and 'Mum' instinct of getting in and taking him/her out as soon as possible. The far better thing to do was what the lifeguard did but it wouldn't have come into my mind before knowing about this.

Sometimes I bloody love where I live.

I think if you want to boil it down, 'nice' is going through life not being a dick to people for no reason. That's better imo than being someone who others would describe as being 'lovely' because often 'lovely' is just a surface impression and doesn't always translate as being inherently decent. 'Lovely' is often just charisma.