Instigating a divorce and so scared

[CastleCastle]

I am close to instigating a divorce from DH and I can’t help but feel that I am teetering on the edge of an abyss and although my reasons are justified (DA/VA) I can’t help but feel that the loss of the family unit will be huge.

I am telling him it’s over in a few weeks and am so scared of his reaction and the impact on our family. I know I will be painted as the “bad guy” who broke up our family.

When things are calm they are lovely and we are a close family unit. DH and I share stories of the children as babies and talk about what they did during the day. It makes me so sad that I will no longer have this post divorce.

Then I remember DH threatening to throw a spider in my face in an argument and also threatening to urinate on my clothes and I know I’m doing the right thing.

He justifies the things he’s said to me as rubbish he says during arguments that he can barely remember and that he “explodes” then is fine a few minutes later.

I have no idea what to say to him and how he will react.

Remembering how I was for 3 years pre separation. ...I wrote down my points and reasons, kept it in my wallet and got out that list which rebalanced my thinking to my 'normal' each time I wobbled. The negatives are still that, as is the fact he is the father of my lovely children. Neither changed the fact I was a trillion times happier after sorting it out.
Just be clear with your thinking and take a deep breath, good luck.

I am in same place as you but I'm holding off until I get a permanent job. Everyone around us thinks my husband is Mr fucking wonderful. Only I know about when he called me a despicable cunt, told me I'd ruined his life, that I must have deserved my mother's emotional abuse as a child. When he locked me out in the garden in the rain (our son was three at the time and inside with him crying). I know I'm doing the right thing but I know it will cause chaos. Good luck, you've got this. Have you got somewhere safe to go or a plan for yourself and kids if he kicks off?

Get your as many ducks in a row pre telling him.
You are doing this for you and your children.
Fuck what everyone else thinks. Its much much better on the other side

OP you have been conditioned to accept this behaviour and you have got to this point by understanding it's wrong.

One thing I will tell you is the relief, the peace you find when you finish it and have your own space, a place away from him....its all worth it.

Remember OP, the nice person he is will be the lie, it's an act to reel you back in, the nasty bastard you often see is who he really is.

That’s reassuring-I really hope I get to the point where I feel relief and I am finally free. When he is overly nice it feels like he’s acting, like it’s not even his voice, my oldest even points out that his Dad is acting like a “robot” and is being “fake” There’s times of course where he’s normal, not nasty or overly, sickly sweet, just normal, then I’m fooled and feel like I’ve almost imagined all the terrible stuff.

Thanks. I honestly can’t wait even though I am terrified at the same time. I’ll be the one moving out so it’s just a case of finding somewhere suitable. It’ll be easier than trying to get him to leave the house and a fresh start.

Are you going to be safe when you tell him OP? Do you have trusted friends or family you can confide in if not who can be with you?