Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is genital herpes the end of the world when it comes to dating?

45 replies

hudsonjet · 04/09/2024 19:57

I honestly can't even imagine telling someone I have it.

I don't have many outbreaks, it doesn't affect my life. My ex husband passed it on to me. Whether he knew he had it, I'll never know. But he's slept with many women since we separated. My first outbreak was horrific and I was bed bound for a few weeks. This was 8 years ago and now it doesn't affect me luckily.

But as I am starting to think about dating again, the thought of telling someone I have it fills me with dread.

Any positive stories please? Or just reassurance?

OP posts:
hudsonjet · 04/09/2024 22:16

marriednotdead · 04/09/2024 21:48

I have it, was discovered a year into dating Exh who never had any symptoms and to my knowledge, never caught it in the decade plus that we were together. I have no idea how or where I got it from but like you, the symptoms and number of outbreaks have lessened over the years.

I make a point of always posting when I see threads like this as I remember how awful it felt when I was first diagnosed. The pharmaceutical companies that created a treatment and wanted to find a marketing strategy were the ones that stigmatised herpes.

I've had two sexual partners since my divorce, both of whom I told before we reached the point of considering sleeping together. They were both unfazed and respectful, and I've been with DP 6 years now. He's never caught it.

I do feel that any potential partner that would have an issue with it is not going to be the best person to get involved with anyway, it's one way of finding out who is mature enough to deserve you.

That's really positive - thank you for taking the time to ask to share your story x

I know for me, I've forgotten I've had it for many years. It's never really been in my mind. But I joined a dating apps and had some lovely compliments about my photos and how I come across. My first thought is always 'that's sweet (and probably generic) but they probably wouldn't think the same if they knew what I have.

Sounds daft but just had a little wobble this evening

OP posts:
Mxflamingnoravera · 04/09/2024 22:52

I also have HSV (Not HPV for the poster who asked- look them up they are very different).

I have no idea where I got it from, I know that the long term partner that I split from 25 years ago and I both had it, but neither of us knew who got it first, I was the Forest to bring it up and he managed to make it my "fault" and make me feel bad. When I mentioned symptoms he said he had them too, and twisted it to be me when it suited. Not that any of that matters.

After we split I was terrified I'd be never loved or make love again. The reality is quite different.

Like a pp who always posts when they see an HSV thread come up, I do too. It's not the end of the world. You do need to be honest with people before you have sex with them, and also be very clear about what it means and what it doesn't mean.

I learned to talk about it by introducing the subject of cold sores, same virus (and yes there are two viruses, BOTH can cause lesions on the face and the genitals, both can cause the same awful first infection symptoms and both can be dangerous if (and only if) a woman is experiencing a first outbreak in the last days of pregnancy and is delivering vaginally. Otherwise it's about as significant as a bout of impetigo; ie it's a skin condition that is infectious and can recur.

Read up, be well educated on it. Don't let it get you down. If somone has cold sores on their face it could as easily be "genital" - HSV 2, as HSV 1. So talk about it, help remove the stigma.

There is no cure, but it's easily controlled if not cured, simple precautions prevent it being passed on. In the 25 years I've carried the virus I've never known a partner catch it from me knowingly (not counting the one who only fessed up when I mentioned it- so perhaps one did. I've had more sexual relationships than I can count since (all with full disclosure).

The stigma needs to be removed, it's a skin disease that is unpleasant and can be dangerous in late pregnancy to unborn children. There are drugs we can take that reduce the likelihood of outbreaks as well as the severity and the likelihood of non symptomatic shedding.

For those who believe that it's some kind of kiss of death and we should be treated like lepers. Do/did youask future partners if they have ever had cold sores before kissing them? Perhaps you should/should have, the virus doesn't care if it invades nerves in the genital or face regions.

It's not picked up on routine STI tests so saying one has a clear test is no guarantee either.

Please stop worrying and feeling awful OP, you will find another lover and you will be loved again and anyone who judges you is just a shitty idiot who are better off without.

Lecture over for another year or so.

Sending best wishes and the most unmumsnetty of hugs OP. Keep on keeping on.

Mxflamingnoravera · 04/09/2024 22:53

*first not forest!

hudsonjet · 05/09/2024 08:07

Mxflamingnoravera · 04/09/2024 22:52

I also have HSV (Not HPV for the poster who asked- look them up they are very different).

I have no idea where I got it from, I know that the long term partner that I split from 25 years ago and I both had it, but neither of us knew who got it first, I was the Forest to bring it up and he managed to make it my "fault" and make me feel bad. When I mentioned symptoms he said he had them too, and twisted it to be me when it suited. Not that any of that matters.

After we split I was terrified I'd be never loved or make love again. The reality is quite different.

Like a pp who always posts when they see an HSV thread come up, I do too. It's not the end of the world. You do need to be honest with people before you have sex with them, and also be very clear about what it means and what it doesn't mean.

I learned to talk about it by introducing the subject of cold sores, same virus (and yes there are two viruses, BOTH can cause lesions on the face and the genitals, both can cause the same awful first infection symptoms and both can be dangerous if (and only if) a woman is experiencing a first outbreak in the last days of pregnancy and is delivering vaginally. Otherwise it's about as significant as a bout of impetigo; ie it's a skin condition that is infectious and can recur.

Read up, be well educated on it. Don't let it get you down. If somone has cold sores on their face it could as easily be "genital" - HSV 2, as HSV 1. So talk about it, help remove the stigma.

There is no cure, but it's easily controlled if not cured, simple precautions prevent it being passed on. In the 25 years I've carried the virus I've never known a partner catch it from me knowingly (not counting the one who only fessed up when I mentioned it- so perhaps one did. I've had more sexual relationships than I can count since (all with full disclosure).

The stigma needs to be removed, it's a skin disease that is unpleasant and can be dangerous in late pregnancy to unborn children. There are drugs we can take that reduce the likelihood of outbreaks as well as the severity and the likelihood of non symptomatic shedding.

For those who believe that it's some kind of kiss of death and we should be treated like lepers. Do/did youask future partners if they have ever had cold sores before kissing them? Perhaps you should/should have, the virus doesn't care if it invades nerves in the genital or face regions.

It's not picked up on routine STI tests so saying one has a clear test is no guarantee either.

Please stop worrying and feeling awful OP, you will find another lover and you will be loved again and anyone who judges you is just a shitty idiot who are better off without.

Lecture over for another year or so.

Sending best wishes and the most unmumsnetty of hugs OP. Keep on keeping on.

Thank you for taking the time to post. It's stories like yours that I needed to hear as I know it's not the end of the world but it certainly can feel like it at times.

I am very picky when it comes to dating now anyway, most men give me the 'ick' in some way, shape or form.

Hopefully one day I might find love again and I know it's possible thanks to stories like yours so thank you again for sharing x

OP posts:
Ksta · 05/09/2024 16:45

I’m in the same boat as you too. My ex passed this on to me without telling me he had it. I know I could never do that to someone but I am struggling to see how anyone may accept it. I’m also trying online dating and have this constant dread of having to have the conversation one day. I clearly do not have any advice but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in the way you are feeling.

rainbow1902 · 05/09/2024 18:02

eggandchip · 04/09/2024 21:11

Is herpes part of the cold sore family.

I was wondering this i have not a clue.

autumn1610 · 05/09/2024 18:14

rainbow1902 · 05/09/2024 18:02

I was wondering this i have not a clue.

Yeah it’s part of the same family. You can get hsv 1 or 2 on your face or genitals it’s not picky which way round. But some people find the cold sore version less severe and less reoccurring on their genitals

rainbow1902 · 05/09/2024 18:17

autumn1610 · 05/09/2024 18:14

Yeah it’s part of the same family. You can get hsv 1 or 2 on your face or genitals it’s not picky which way round. But some people find the cold sore version less severe and less reoccurring on their genitals

Thanks for that i have cold sore break outs a lot.

DixonD · 05/09/2024 18:48

Borninabarn32 · 04/09/2024 20:05

I think you should tell people. I wouldn't have sex with someone with it and I'd feel violated finding out after the fact that they'd decided not to tell me I could catch something off them.

No need for that was there? You knew she said she would tell people, you just want to stick the boot in. This could happen to anyone.

Teacaddy66 · 05/09/2024 18:59

Same boat as you. It feels a real barrier to letting online dates move on and I'm sure it has stopped me giving a couple of nice men more dates because its in the back of my mind. However I've found some good YouTube talks and online blogs and have written down on my phone what I intend to say or message if I get to that point with anyone. I haven't used it yet but it felt good to prepare something I might at some point send or say.
My heart goes out to you as it is such a stigma and secret. It must be one of the few things about me even my closest friends don't know. But the posts on here are lovely and spot on. Preparing to tell someone and expecting to find someone mature and kind and understanding is the way forward. Good luck

Borninabarn32 · 05/09/2024 19:21

DixonD · 05/09/2024 18:48

No need for that was there? You knew she said she would tell people, you just want to stick the boot in. This could happen to anyone.

Twice in the first post she says she doesn't want to tell people. How on earth everyone read it as obviously she's going to tell people is beyond me.

hudsonjet · 05/09/2024 20:21

@Borninabarn32

You are correct.

However you answered to a question that wasn't asked.

I didn't ask whether I should tell a potential partner or not. I was asking for positive stories and re-assurance. Pretty much speaks for itself.

OP posts:
AllTipAndNoIceberg · 05/09/2024 20:41

Borninabarn32 · 05/09/2024 19:21

Twice in the first post she says she doesn't want to tell people. How on earth everyone read it as obviously she's going to tell people is beyond me.

Well, I read it that way because her post is written from the standpoint of being worried about something she is going to have to do, and is scared about.

A person who was planning not to tell people would not seek, or need, reassurance that it’s going to be okay when they tell someone.

The thing is as well, even if you perceived some ambiguity that the rest of us didn’t, doubling down on your original misreading is not helpful and kind of knobbish on a thread where op is vulnerable and blameless

SoOriginal · 05/09/2024 20:47

AllTipAndNoIceberg · 05/09/2024 20:41

Well, I read it that way because her post is written from the standpoint of being worried about something she is going to have to do, and is scared about.

A person who was planning not to tell people would not seek, or need, reassurance that it’s going to be okay when they tell someone.

The thing is as well, even if you perceived some ambiguity that the rest of us didn’t, doubling down on your original misreading is not helpful and kind of knobbish on a thread where op is vulnerable and blameless

Agreed. Some people are just nasty assholes though. That’s worse than having herpes.

Chocsaucee · 05/09/2024 20:49

Borninabarn32 · 05/09/2024 19:21

Twice in the first post she says she doesn't want to tell people. How on earth everyone read it as obviously she's going to tell people is beyond me.

It's a fairly common way of expressing something that is horrifying or distressing.

Something that is so bad you 'cannot imagine' having to do it.

It doesn't mean OP isn't planning on sharing it with any future partners.

It means the OP feels so bad about it that the thought is horrific to her.

Btw OP you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know a few people who have it - i look at them no different. It is a very common thing.

You are a decent person as you are already fretting over having to share this with a future partner. Anyone equally decent will be understanding. If they are not, they are not for you.

hudsonjet · 06/09/2024 09:02

@Ksta @Teacaddy66 thank you to you both for commenting. It's nice to know I'm not alone - wish you both all the luck in the world.

I've decided to take a step back from dating for now but hopefully when I decide to try again, I'll feel better about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 23/06/2025 07:39

My stepson and my other stepsons girlfriend have it, they are both in happy long term relationships

Dreamingisfree28 · 11/03/2026 20:18

hudsonjet · 04/09/2024 20:16

I'd like to think so.

I just can't take anymore hurt off a man again. Plus to actually tell someone I have it makes me feel dirty. Even though you could count the number of men I've slept with on one hand.

Hi, sexual health worker here!! We get approx 200 calls a day. Half of these calls will be about genital herpes. I cannot stress enough to Devasted patients that this and chlamydia are the most common STI’s although herpes is a skin on skin transmission condition. I have a loved one who has it and sadly it’s changed her. She now suffers anxiety so badly but has a lovely, caring and understanding partner. The thing that pisses me off the most is the ridiculous stigma!! No one blinks an eye if someone has a cold sore on their mouth! It’s because it’s on the genitals people are so weird about it! I’ve had many a patient cry on my shoulder, just because of the stigma, but they ALL go on to have relationships, marriage and babies!! The sad thing is you can have a full STI screening but it won’t pick up herpes unless you are having an active outbreak which we swab. Many private companies claim to do blood tests but these blood tests show positive if all you’ve had is a cold sore on your mouth! Due to it detecting the virus antibodies in the blood. It makes me so sad that this virus which also includes chicken pox and shingles and plain old cold sores (all herpes simplex) are treated with such stigma. It’s time we left this attitude behind for good. Please try and be positive about your life. I think if potential partners don’t want to know you then you’ve had a lucky escape! Wishing you all the best. If you start to suffer regular outbreaks there are very effective antivirals you can obtain from sexual health clinics or can even buy at an online chemist if you’re concerned about privacy. I just wished people knew just how common HSV is x

Grapewrath · 11/03/2026 20:29

You are unlikely to pass it on female to male with a condom- the risk is something like 3% a year. Even less with antivirals afaik.
You are a safer partner than most as you know you have the virus and how to prevent it spreading- many carriers are unaware and it’s VERY common. Also if your partner already has oral
herpes (hsv1) ie cold sores you carry that type they can’t catch it again from sex. Even if you have hsv2, your partners are less likely to get it if they have cold sores, and if they do they’re symptoms are likely to be mild
Also the risk of transmission is very low if you have the virus for more than 2 years with infrequent outbreaks
Be honest with your partners and give them the correct information that this is really not the end of the world

Grapewrath · 11/03/2026 20:30

Dreamingisfree28 · 11/03/2026 20:18

Hi, sexual health worker here!! We get approx 200 calls a day. Half of these calls will be about genital herpes. I cannot stress enough to Devasted patients that this and chlamydia are the most common STI’s although herpes is a skin on skin transmission condition. I have a loved one who has it and sadly it’s changed her. She now suffers anxiety so badly but has a lovely, caring and understanding partner. The thing that pisses me off the most is the ridiculous stigma!! No one blinks an eye if someone has a cold sore on their mouth! It’s because it’s on the genitals people are so weird about it! I’ve had many a patient cry on my shoulder, just because of the stigma, but they ALL go on to have relationships, marriage and babies!! The sad thing is you can have a full STI screening but it won’t pick up herpes unless you are having an active outbreak which we swab. Many private companies claim to do blood tests but these blood tests show positive if all you’ve had is a cold sore on your mouth! Due to it detecting the virus antibodies in the blood. It makes me so sad that this virus which also includes chicken pox and shingles and plain old cold sores (all herpes simplex) are treated with such stigma. It’s time we left this attitude behind for good. Please try and be positive about your life. I think if potential partners don’t want to know you then you’ve had a lucky escape! Wishing you all the best. If you start to suffer regular outbreaks there are very effective antivirals you can obtain from sexual health clinics or can even buy at an online chemist if you’re concerned about privacy. I just wished people knew just how common HSV is x

All of this!!! Such a fantastic post

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread