Abandoning my father

[Mustard7]

I am 40. My father is 67 and lives 300 miles away. He has had a drug problem for years and alienated almost everyone he knows through his poor behaviour when using, most recently his partner. His behaviour at home resulted in his arrest and eventually a stint in prison due to threatening behaviour.

I have always found him very toxic and wondered over recent years whether I want him in my life as he often makes hurtful comments about my partner and members of the family and I don’t feel I get much out of the relationship. I feel he enjoys winding me up and stirring the pot. He is now in social housing and claiming benefits. He has made contact with me and I feel obliged to speak to him. He will want to discuss what has happened but nothing is ever his fault and he will continue to use. AIBU to ignore him or do I need to help him whilst having some boundaries?

He’s not your problem. He sounds like he’s sorted with housing and benefits so nothing for you to worry about.

Is he still 300 miles away? Personally I would let the phone ring out unless I felt up to answering him

Yes, he is. I do find speaking to him draining so will wait like you say.

Yes, that’s true. It’s a concern that he gets involved with shady characters through drugs and has gotten into trouble but not much I can do if he continues to use.

He had made his life choices, and you can make yours. You're absolutely not obliged to allow him to have a negative impact on your life. You are especially not obliged to feel guilty because you cannot save him. You can't, by the way. Only he can and if he does not want to or does not feel capable of change, there is nothing you can do or say that will have any kind of impact. He is choosing the drugs, not you. Remember that.

Thank you. You’re right, he can only help himself.

What every pp said. You cannot be his saviour, don’t let his poor life choice impact your life any longer. Sorry you do not have the father everyone deserves 💐.

I'm sorry, but I'd bet my house he only wants contact so that you'll send him money and validate his life decisions. You'd have a much happier life with no contact.

I think you have to do whatever is necessary to preserve your own sanity. If that's going no contact or very, very low contact then so be it.

He's not your problem. He's his own problem and shouldn't be allowed to continue having a negative impact on your life.

My BIL (DH's younger brother) is similar and they now have barely any contact. A message for birthdays or Christmas sometimes. That's it. I don't think we're even sure where BIL lives anymore as it has been a nomadic existence.

Do what you are comfortable with and don't feel guilty. He almost certainly didn't feel guilty when putting you and everyone else through the mill.

He has a home , he will have access to rehab and counselling.
He needs to sort his life out , if and only when he has sorted his life out and been clean for at least 6 months would I consider making contact with him.

It's horrible that you can not have the dad you would like but this man should only be a part of your life on your terms.

You are not 'abandoning him', he brought this on himself through his behaviour and life choices.

He has a roof over his head and money coming in.

So I would stop concerning yourself with him and instead focus on your own life and prioritise your mental health.

You don't need to stay in contact with him if you don't want to and it is only bringing toxicity and stress in your life.

He seems to have alienated everyone else and you should not feel like you have to pick up the pieces simply because you are related.

He is the one who needs to sort his life out and seek help to deal with his addiction.

Difficult situation. I'm assuming you've done your best to help him over the years. There's not a lot more you can do if he's not willing to change and being toxic as well. I'd say it's OK to cut him off.

Why do you feel obliged to speak to him?

@Mustard7 would you consider writing to him.
I honestly believe\have seen that people can change(habits addictions etc)doesnt seem thats likely to be on the table from your post.
Speaking to him,listening to another round of zero ccountbility-it was who i was hang with, it wasnt as bad as saying is par for course. given prob off his face\denial anyway that will be draining.
It might be cathartic to write to him.
posting its up to you. Agree HE is only person that can change him
its shite-particulrly when is your own parent..but that only really leaves YOU to manage if/how you deal with it all. Put yourself first.