DD14 being a nightmare

[Starbarr07]

DD14 has become so angry and aggressive over the last few months. She has always been defiant but on a whole other level now. Only back in school a few days and already a bad report for no maths homework done. This is after we asked her numerous times last night did she have homework. Came home from school today and caused murder because I wouldn't allow her tto eat food in DS room and play on his computer. Wanted to eat in her room and I refused because its already a pig sty. This led to her swearing and calling me names and telling me to clean her room.

She plays sport at a very high level and was on track to play for her country. She has said she doesn't want to play anymore, she has said this before but we called her bluff this time and contacted her manager to say she won't be back. Usually we would cajole her and talk her into going. We are just so sick of this now. Her response was I don't care. I'm so upset she has thrown this opportunity away.

We give her consequences and remove phone, tv etc but it doesn't bother her. The swearing is new though and I'm finding it hard not to retaliate.

Sympathies, it's hard. I think she's probably just at that age where she's testing the limits of her independence and boundaries and seeing how far she can push things. For us the early teen years was the time we really learnt the truth of the phrase 'pick your battles' - we suddenly were being tested on pretty much every little rule or request which previously had just been taken for granted, and so we needed to choose which ones we were going to hold onto and which could we let go of and let them experience the consequences for themselves. I think perhaps it's useful to think back to toddler tantrum years and try and identify 'punishments' or incentives or whatever that have a logic and an immediacy to them if you're going to use them at all, and where possible don't make life harder for yourself rather than for them. E.g. we used to use 'grounding' and making them stay in to do missed chores or homework rather than going to see friends or play football or whatever, but with our boys in particular everything became so much worse in terms of their mood if they missed out on hobbies and were kept inside so that actually ended up making the whole house miserable, plus they took the attitude of they'd rather be grounded forever than do whatever it was we wanted of them so it ended up in an endless stand-off, we stopped that pretty quick!

Can you sit her down when she's calm and relatively amenable (and you are feeling up to it too, not off the back of a big row!) and re-negotiate the house rules - try and spin it positively e.g. now that she is so much older and more responsible that you don't want to have to be nagging her all the time like a little kid etc . Make sure you listen to what she considers important and reasonable and be prepared to make concessions too. We set compromises like we wouldn't nag the kids about the state of their rooms and would allow eating in there providing they brought any mugs, cutlery or plates downstairs before it became a health hazard or the house as a whole ran out. That we wouldn't nag about putting laundry in the hampers but that if leaving their dirty clothes strewn about their room meant they had no clean school uniform (or much more importantly to them, the exact top/jeans/hoodie whatever they needed right that second to go out in) we would not be listening to any complaints. That it was OK to express anger and to swear in general but that swearing at anyone was unacceptable etc.

And if we did get into battles on things we weren't prepared to back down on, we always tried to find a de-escalation or escape route for the teen where they had space to climb down from whatever unreasonable stance they'd taken, offering them some kind of choice/agency in the situation just as you would a terrible-2 e.g. if refusing to do homework, they can either make a start and just do question 1 then they can go and play football and come back to it later or they can go and have a 10 minute cool down but then they must do the homework instead of going to football or whatever else they were meant to be doing. I'm sure to a lot of people that sounds like letting them 'get away with murder' but on the whole they really just needed time to let all the anger/emotion out and could then be reasoned with to some extent or in extremis bribed - I'm using the toddler comparison a lot but just like a tot they have a lot of really big/strong emotions that they don't really have the cognitive ability to properly process and express, so it tends to come out as rage/tears. They also lack the emotional maturity to properly consider either the consequences to themselves of their actions or emphasise with how other people are impacted by what they're saying and doing, so sometimes you just need to let them tantrum, reassure them they're still safe and loved despite being a total shit then try and redirect onto a more positive action/path.

Best of luck, I promise they do come out on the other side as amenable, even delightful adults!

In my experience of teens (21 yrs teaching them), it's when they want to tell someone something big but can't, that's when the acting out happens. Whether that's a learning need, friendship issue, how they look, sexuality, worries about a friend.
Sport at country level is huge, I bet that's been a big commitment and lots of pressure for a while. Maybe she's done with it?

On homework, can you view the homework app yourself to keep track? I've starting taking my own 14yo dd to Costa for a nice drink and treat while she does her homework there and I read, and we chat a bit. She shows me her work. I don't particularly care much for looking at pages of Maths but they just want to keep being sure you're interested and invested in them, and proud.

Honestly? It won’t be a popular opinion but she needs a much stronger reaction. Almost to the point of being a little afraid of it. She needs to remember who is in charge and start to respect you. I would never have dreamt of speaking to my parents like that at 14 and neither did any of my friends at that age.

I’m struggling with my teen but it’s not her mood she is just doing as she pleases. I have to be firm and it works sometimes but her friends parents seem to be so carefree and don’t mind what their kids are up to. We had one kid turn up at our house at midnight after they had snuck out.

There’s some really good advice from the posters above so I won’t add loads. Have a DD14 too so know the anger and the shouting episodes well 😌 Mine is worse on her period so that could be a factor too.
It may sound a bit odd but I text DD sometimes and then she can read it in her own time and we sort a few things out this way without all the yelling. Coffee out the house as suggested above is another good one. Get some fresh air together.
Somedays I am ready to kill DD but I do think 14 is the maelstrom of the shitty teenage years. There are still glimpses that they are lovely and one day the rollercoaster
moods will settle - at least I bloody hope so 😂.

Hobbies like sports need to follow her interests. Ask her what she would like to do in the place of her old sport.

Do you spend quality 1:1 time with her a few times a week? Make her feel treasured and well loved? Say thankyou when she does something right?

She is almost an adult, helping her reflect and make good choices is an essential life skill to develop. Using fear teaches her that she needs to use fear to get her own way.