To NOT stand by my brother even if it destroys my family relationships

[orangeleopard]

trigger warning: mentions of domestic abuse

My brother has been ‘accused’ of domestic abuse by his ex partner who he’s recently split from. I use accused in quotation marks as I believe it to be fact. As someone who was in a da relationship myself, everything she has come out and said isn’t something a ‘normal’ person wanting to lie about abuse would say - it’s very specific and some things that I had experience in that isn’t that widely known to someone who’s never been in an abusive relationship before. Despite the alleged abuser being my brother, I wholeheartedly believe his ex partner is telling the truth.

My family are all defending him and ‘afraid for his safety’ as now the abuse has come to light, they’re scared that her family/friends are going to find him. They’re feeling sorry for him and treating him like a victim as she’s ‘lying’. My own mum who watched me be abused for years, then watched my abuser get treated like a victim - is now doing the exact same thing. I want to message the ex, tell her I’m proud of her for speaking out, tell her she’s not alone and I stand with her and that she’s stronger than she thinks. I want to tell her all of the things I wish my abusers sister would have told me instead of getting the impression that she was defending my abuser.

I have already fallen out with my mum and sister over calling them out for defending an abuser just because they’re related. For protecting an abuser and for victimising him rather than allowing him get what he deserves and allow his victim get justice.

I don’t want to hear ‘there are two sides’ because when you saw this girl at the beginning she was thriving, the most beautiful person who radiated positive energy - towards the end she was thin, looked like she hadn’t slept for a month straight, the eyelash, fake nails, pin up girl who she was in the beginning turned into boardaline Amish towards the end. As someone who has experience myself, I’m educated on the signs and she’s 1000% not lying. I just don’t want to be close to my family who are abuser enablers

It's up to you unless I witnessed it myself I would not believe or disbelieve anything

I would not feel I needed to defend or accuse anyone of anything unless I had proof, I would not need to take sides

I would not need to be a bff to anyone but would not need to dismiss them from my life

It is not about you

If you want to write to her, do. I would do my best to ignore the situation as much as possible with your family- people don't want to hear why they're wrong or that their beloved brother/son has done something awful. Not saying go along with it but now you've said your piece don't keep arguing about it with them. Are the police involved? If so, I'd just say to them if he's innocent it will be found in court that he's innocent. If they're badmouthing her leave the room. Or, if you feel they are horrible people and you can't come back from this- which I would understand given your personal situation- go low contact at least for a while.

I am glad the ex has someone who believes her, @orangeleopard

Thank goodness someone believes her. Reaching out to her would be a kind thing.

Yes reach out to her, people deny things because it's easier not to disrupt their lives and go along with the version of reality that suits them

Do you have a number to call her? I imagine she could really do with a friend right now, particularly someone who understands what she’s been through.

If I were in your position, and it is a tough one, I think I'd let her know that I believe her.

You don't need to take sides or get publicly involved in any way. You don't even need to turn on or reject your brother.

You can just let her know that you believe her. By text, letter, phone call, mouthed silently across a crowded room... it matters not how, but as you already know, it'll make a big difference to how she feels. She is probably already questioning her own sanity, so it will help her realise that she is grounded to know that you see it too.

"family" is ...at times.the absolute shitest show on the planet. they will ignore,disregrd,reject,disrespect and maintain a "stance"protecting the absolute lowest wurst cunts that walk the earth.
i find that unforgiveble, you must know,you can not judge anyones "story" based entirely on yours.
i doubt you are....
at worst,you will be wrong for the right reasons.
You dont have to take them all on. your brother has ll the support he needs...youve aired your view. she may not trust you-but a toe in wter reach out might help her...know your boundaries and how "supportive"you are willing to be.
keep the heid(my dad would say)x

I have a family dynamic wherein my male sibling has done questionable and unpleasant things that our mother just defends endlessly and there's never any accountability, only cover up. It makes me physically sick. I've distanced quite significantly from it.

OP, it's possible this could make things difficult for you, it's almost inevitable at some point the ex will quote you as a supporter down the line. I believe letting her know you believe her is equally valid. Is it going to do any good? Does she have zero family support? She'll know in her heart that family members will know his true nature. I don't believe anyone just does this sort of thing without close family having a sense they were always capable of it.

My son told me at 4 years of age that my nephew who was 15 at the time sucked hes willy that is exactly how he told me i was shocked and really hurt,i confronted my sister and she said he did not do that,then my brother came to my house,but i was not home,he told my older sister that if this goes to court hes going to paint me as a bad parent,i am the best parent my child could have as hes no 1 in my life,now nephew denied it as he was taken to the police station and questioned,the weirdest thing i was told is not one of hes parents were in the room when this was happening apparently parents were advised against it,what a load of shit would you want to be in there to hear whats being said,one sister said she believed it it but other sister did not believe it my whole family did not believe it they all sided with sister and her son i my son is a shell of himself tried to commit suicide has become very angry and has been stealing money from me he was becoming quite angry and verbally swearing at me saying i must have planned it i am heartbroken and horrified at him saying this i do not have much to do with my family they can all drop dead i have no plans to go to any of their funerals when that day comes,police said there was not any evidence,sister who,s son did it said it must be someone from hes nursery pathetic bitch,now sister who believed it from the beginning is saying to my other brother who i speak to shes not sure anything happened as she was not there,i was enraged with her because she got abused when she was about 6 shes one hell of a bitch,i asked her what my brother wanted when he came to my house she said he will go to court and say i am a bad parent,he now has 2 kids and my nephew now has 3 kids,about 3 weeks ago i spoke to my sister and told her who is going to believe a 15 year old over a 4 year old you know what she did not say nothing,they are all filth