NRP wants contact on my working days

[Newname2306]

Hey, new username here.

Split at end of pregnancy - awful separation and really poor relationship between myself and daughter’s father. He’s now living with OW.

He currently has DD 4 hours every 2 weeks. Has been very inconsistent - cancels/lies/excuses why he can’t make it or needs to change day etc. Takes her to his new house 1 hour drive during his time (so 2/4 hours spent in car). Has forgotten to feed her during his time and has no respect for her sleep routine, often leaving her overtired/routine thrown out.

Im going back to work after maternity leave soon, he has now said he will be having her on my working days as he’s agreed it with his employer. I’ve already arranged a childminder.

AIBU to say no to him having her the 2 days I’ll be working? I can’t rely on him and also (selfishly) it would mean I never get any time to myself - even just to clean the house and go food shopping!

Is he on the birth certificate?

Arrange your childcare to suit you as the resident parent and tell him she's already booked for those days.
Like you said, you can't rely on him and these are days you need reliable childcare.

He can fuck around on days that you won't be penalised for his lack of consistency.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say these days don’t work for you because you need a consistent childcare plan in place to allow you to work. You can’t be calling out of work every time he changes his mind, oversleeps, goes on holiday, is hungover, has a tyre puncture, etc. Contact needs to have some flexibility built in because life happens. But if life happens too regularly, you’ll lose your job. Is he the sort of person who would arrange exactly this sort of set up to pull out and leave you without childcare when you’re meant to be at work?

‘She needs a regular schedule and to be fed, you’re inconsistent with both so cant have her for full days. I’ve booked a childminder who will take good care of her.

it would mean I never get any time to myself
That is probably why he is doing it. Unless it was pure coincidence…

Reply unfortunately as he hasnt as yet provided any reliable scheduled or adequate care, this isnt something you can facilitate at this time. Moving forward… and remind him of the current agreement.

Change your working days and don't tell him.

Absolutely not. besides the fact he has shown he is unable to care for her for 4 hours without forgetting to feed her or allow naps, he will use this to sabotage your job, by letting you down last minute or threatening to, to get his own way.
Was he abusive during the relationship? If he was then this would be a way to continue that abuse. Do not give him that power.

He's trying to sabotage your job.

Say no and offer different days.

Saying he's agreed it with his employer oops isn't your problem, next time you see him tell him that you've already got a childminder arranged and paid deposit and 1st month or whatever and that's that.
You are in charge here not him.

In the meantime, make notes with dates and times of how he has been unreliable/forgot to feed her, etc gather evidence, just in case he decides to take it to court.

Thanks everyone, this was my thought. It feels that he feels entitled to her - when it suits he demands when he’ll be having her.

The problem is one day a week I’ll be working either a Saturday/Sunday and my mum will be having her for me (who I trust completely and we spend a lot of time with her) - as this isn’t ‘official’ childcare - can he state he will be collecting her from my mum? Can my mum refuse to hand her over?

Yes - we (hopefully for not much longer) are married

No he wasn’t abusive during the marriage but since separating has been very manipulative:

Why don't you take it to court for a formal visitation order op?
Then you will have set schedules which you can work around ( once in child care ) the judge won't order a change in childcare days if already established and in the child's best interests.
At this age he will likely get every other weekend and perhaps one day in the week.

I wouldn't tell him what arrangements you have in place, just that you have care organised. Given how he's behaved so far, he doesn't get to know whether it's a childminder or your mother or nursery.

I would tell him you've already arranged childcare for your workdays as you don't want to rely on him when he's been so inconsistent and unreliable. Tell him the days when it's convenient for him to have her. Tell him if he has a problem with this, he should take it through the courts and point out to him that you have kept a record of all the times he has let you down/messed you around with childcare!