To ask how to approach this ?

[AutumnalNights]

It was my aunts 68th today. Some of the family all got together for a casual meet up at her home.
My cousin (her daughter) is not really in a great place at the moment. Was engaged but now not. My brother got engaged a good few months back. The wedding and engagement have been mentioned a lot at these family gatherings as you would expect. I know cousin finds this difficult. At this gathering tonight the engagement got mentioned a good few times before the night had really kicked off. Cousin then distanced herself for the remainder of the evening by going off to her room to watch TV, same as she did last time for her own birthday.
Brother said this was very rude of her and asked if I would have a word about her 'behaviour ' when I next see her.
I did explain that it's hard for her as she obviously finds it difficult when the same topic gets discussed for hours on end with nobody trying to really include her and of course, she can't join in. At the same time, I do think that she shouldn't be disappearing even if she is finding it difficult. To do so on her own birthday the other month was awkward for us all.
Just wondered how I should approach this.

Just keep out of it. If brother feels that strongly, he can talk to her. But he'd be well advised not to.

Yes, wedding is exciting and is going to be talked about. But a bit of tact and consideration for your cousin wouldn't go amiss (your family this is aimed at, not you).

You should approach it by changing the subject.

She is finding it difficult, and it sounds boring as hell talking about engagements and weddings for hours on end tbh.

She's quietly excusing herself when the topic is upsetting her, and now you want to approch her because you feel awkward. How do you think she feels?

Your brother sounds like an arsehole having you approach her as well.

I realise she might be being a bit anti-social but it sounds like she’s still going through a really bad time. If she needs some time out to herself, she should take it.

If you talk to her it should be to ask how she is, first and foremost.

God I don’t blame her.

I find conversations about engagements and weddings tedious beyond words at the best of times and I have not just broken off an engagement.

Your family sound insensitive and lacking social awareness and your brother is a twat for trying to rope you into it.

She's done nothing wrong. You all need to chabge the subject and talk about something else.

Why is this your job? If he's miffed he can talk to her.

It sounds as if she hasn't had the breathing space to come to terms with her own situation. To be fair, her taking herself off is probably her way of not spoiling it for others. If she is there at the start putting on a brave face and then excuses herself and retreats into her own space why aren't people letting her do that without judgement? She's grieving and nothing in your post suggests she spat the dummy or is trying to make others feel awkward or uncomfortable.

Her birthday is a bit different as she is the guest of honour, presumably she made a bit of a bad judgement call in letting it go ahead, but again not from a bad place, none of us know how we are going to feel about something when we've experienced a form of grief until we are in that situation.

I'd tell my brother to bring it up with her himself if he is that bothered and maybe remind him that a bit of empathy goes a long way...

I can see both sides.
I think it's a bit off to walk away as soon as it's mentioned but I also know from attending these family events myself, that it does get discussed constantly and is a painful topic for her.
Probably should just ask how she is then take it from there.

You could raise it by asking her how she is. Perhaps say that you noticed she’s been distancing herself and ask her whether she wants to talk? Otherwise I’d leave it to your brother

Her first birthday after a broken engagement and the conversation turned to your brothers (her cousins) engagement. Shame on everyone for allowing that to happen.

Yes this, your brother doesn’t come across as a particularly nice guy and the rest of you seem a bit tactless to be honest.

Who the fuck does your brother think he is, ordering you to have a word with her and thinking she must behave in a way that’s acceptable to him.

Has he always been a bossy tactless twat?

She didn't arrange the gathering for herself, on her own birthday by the way. My aunt did. Kind of a family tradition.
As I say, that was awkward as we were all eating the food and chatting and she wasn't there but elsewhere in the house.
I think she needs to accept it will come up in conversation but I also see on her side that it is painful for her.

You could do. But it’s your brother who has an issue with her behaviour. Surely he can tackle it himself, if it’s bothering him? Why delegate to you?

Tell your brother to fight his own battles. And give her time. She clearly just needs to grieve the loss of what she expected would be her future.

@AutumnalNights

I think she needs to accept it will come up in conversation but I also see on her side that it is painful for her.

She does need to accept that it will come up in conversation and she can’t police other people’s actions but she also is quite reasonable not to want it rammed down her throat at every opportunity. She just left the room rather than turning it into a drama about her.

The fact that it didn’t cross anyone’s mind that it might be awkward suggests that your family has form for not reading the room.

She is accepting it though.

She's choosing to remove herself from the conversation rather than kick off and tell everyone they can't talk about it.

You need to accept that she finds it painful and won't be part of the discussions.

You could try being her friend as well as a relative?

After all, she didn't even have a choice whether to have a birthday thing, it was forced upon her and then everything was all about your brother. On top of that, your brother is so comfortably in his Goldenballs role that he's ordering you to sort her out and join in the general adoration of him.

Doesn't it get a bit boring with her (and probably you to some extent) taking a supporting role to your brother's - and Aunt's - starring roles in the family?

So it's not possible for your brother to stfu about his own engagement for a few hours? What an arsehole. No wonder she walked away. I'd have done the same.