Will try and keep this short and name changed and some details changed slightly to avoid being identified.
basically I am in my early thirties, never knew my bio dad. My mum and him were pretty young. He already had a child when he met my mum, he cheated and broke her heart, I get it, she was hurt, she doesn’t like him, I understand that.
I never knew him. It was a mix of my mum making it difficult and never naming him on birth certificate, other relatives being threatening towards him and threatening violence and bio dad not trying hard enough but maybe he was scared, my family aren’t the easiest. My mum would tell people she didn’t know who my father was to anyone official. She seen a lawyer to draw up some agreement that he couldn’t see me - I don’t think that would even be allowed these days.
he lives fairly local. I decided to contact him a while ago and met up a few times. I’ve enjoyed it to be honest. He seems nice. I don’t see him as a dad, more like a friend, perhaps closure, perhaps finding myself. I have enjoyed the visits and talking. He’s a lot more open than my mum about things. He seems like a decent man, married and a great dad to his kids he lives with.
she said she was okay with it and I try not to talk about it but sometimes it comes up (mainly her asking) and I am a very honest person. She now seems bitter and makes me feel low about me seeing him and says he owes her maintenance from all the years he missed - yet back then income support would try chase up the father to make payments and my mum said she didn’t know who he was so they had no one to chase up. She seems to making it about how heartbroken she was rather than the product of that relationship - me.
I just want a peaceful life with no regrets. Life is too short. My mum doesn’t understand what it’s like to wonder why your bio parent is absent, she grew up with both parents. I felt like a piece of me was missing.
she told my kid that my stepdad was their grandad and not bio dad, I agree my stepdad has been there for a long time since I was about 10 and the kids see him as a grandad but it’s not fair to say things like that to kids. But I don’t see my stepdad as dad as such, yes he was there and provided but it’s not the same as the bond as he has with his bio children he has with my mum.
anyone else been through this?
I don’t want to cause any drama or upset to the woman who raised me but I have a lot of childhood trauma and it’s been nice to ge the signal piece of my puzzle meeting him which was always something I wanted to do but always felt like it would cause too much fuss.
I don’t like in fantasy land, I know this man has never been there and don’t want to have a dad figure as such, just a friend, someone I can talk to, another part of me that I never knew.