What do you do if you don’t like your BIL/SIL?

[OuReed]

I am very close to my sisters. We are very similar in age so grew up best friends. We are mid 20s.

One of my sisters just got married and I just never envisioned how distant we would be. Bil is okay. He can be controlling (I’ve seen him actually shush my sister as an example and command her to come home when we have been on a night out) - I’ve shared my observations with my sister and she has an excuse for everything. Our other sister is also disappointed with her choice but we respect it’s not our decision to make.

So we like to spend time together at my parents’ holiday house (located in a tourist spot that is easy enough to travel to from the city we all live). But BIL is just such a drag. He’s very socially awkward which puts me on edge and nervous. When the family finds out he’s coming we’re all disappointed. But we welcome him warmly due to basic manners.

I guess growing up I just pictured something else. I had hoped to be friends with future BILs. I hate the awkwardness. Is this just life? I have known him for 5 years but we are still basically strangers to one another. My non married sister avoids weekends at my parents’ house because she finds it uncomfortable.

Is every occasion just going to involve fake smiles? What do others do? I’m sad we’ve all kind of withdrawn from each other.

My ex's brother and I never seen eye to eye but we never made a big deal out of it. We still met up at the parents', smiled, exchanged Christmas gifts, tried to be as friendly as we could. He pissed me right off many times as he was mistreating my ex and he was the golden child to his parents. I would just leave the room, take a couple of deep breaths and come back in with a smile and ready to diffuse the situation. Then, when the visit is over, I would put him right at the back of my mind until the next time.
I wouldn't comment on his character to your sister, it's only going to alienate her. She is perfectly aware of who he is she is just not ready to do anything about it. So just be supportive in other ways.

I think you just have to be polite, nice and civil whilst taking up all opportunities to do things with just your sister.

Be civil with him unless he actually does something bad.
It's fine to see your sister alone sometimes too.
He doesn't sound great if he's controlling like that though so keep communication open with your sister so that if things do get bad between them she knows she can rely on you for help

I tolerate him. I have some very sound personal reasons for disliking the prat intensely, but I use my manners and loathe him on the inside.

Sadly, he doesn't have any awareness of just how low down in my estimation he sits.

I am as tolerant as is reasonable and make the best of it. We don’t have to be best friends.

She is exhausting to be around (high anxiety, control, melodrama, totally lacking common sense, bonkers parenting style) we all try to get along as that’s the grown up thing to do. I cannot fathom what my brother sees in her, but then he’s not so much of a perfect catch either 😄

Fake smile, small talk only. Lots of that’s nice,
hope you have a lovely time.

I can't stand my BIL. We have mutually, silently agreed to only talk about cooking, a shared interest. Find a neutral topic and stick to it.

Just so you can be there for your sister. He may not last, you have to.

I understand your upset completely, my family are really close, we like to spend a lot of time together, do family dinners, games nights, holiday together etc.
I think its always hard to bring someone new into that situation, but my family are very open and welcoming.
When my sister first brought her boyfriend home, we all didn't like him, he seemed rude and standoffish, my sister had a list of things we couldn't talk about in front of him, it was all very frustrating as family time was really awkward, he wouldn't join in conversation and would literally whisper into my sisters ear if he wanted to say anything to her. My sister wanted us to all be close but we just didn't understand him, we also felt he must be controlling, else why was my sister so worried about what was said etc.
It turns out that he had a very different family life to us, very reserved, certain topics were off limits, all very polite but also everyone very easily offended, so you'd always be careful about what to say, never really spent time together to do fun things. So he just didn't know how to react to our family and struggled with understanding the dynamic.
My husband and I actually stepped back from spending time with the family for a bit because my sister couldn't see anything wrong with it and sided with him in everything so whilst I still spent a lot of time with my parents, the whole family relationship suffered.
Then he basically moved in with my parents whilst my sister & him were saving for a house deposit, so there was no avoiding him but weirdly it helped loads, he spent more time with us and we all decided to just be ourselves and not worry about him being there. Sometimes this basically meant ignoring him other than polite hellos because he didn't engage! But it improved over time because he realised he much preferred our family dynamic and became much more open himself and let himself relax and have fun.
It took a good few years but we are over 7 years into their relationship now and we get on great, can't imagine him not being around.
It was so upsetting for a really long time though as like you, I'd always imagined our family expanding and it just being even more fun having more people around but for ages it was miserable and awkward.
I know for some people it never gets better, but if there's any way to talk to your sister and see if there's a way to make him more comfortable or to improve the relationship, its worth trying. Especially when kids come along, you want that to be a comfortable environment to spend time with their extended family.
Ask your sister about his family etc, ask if he feels comfortable around you guys, if she's open to helping you find the root cause. Obviously difficult if she doesn't, my sister aways wanted to improve the relationship, she just also thought that he could do no wrong lol
Ironically I was never worried about future BILs, I always imagined having an amazing relationship with my own in laws (I always got on super well with my boyfriends family), then I married someone who had serious family issues, a language barrier and its been really tough and not what I imagined at all; though it has improved over time but only because the matriarch likes the other, newer DILs even less than me!

The social awkwardness and him being 'a drag' I'd be fine with if he was a good person who made my sister happy, as I'd develop a fondness for him. I can feel affection for decent people who don't set my world on fire just because they're decent. However, the controlling and shushing your sister I'd find hard because that indicates character issues beyond social behaviour. However, if shes happy, what can you do?

If it were me I'd work hard on minimising him and working round him. Don't spend time with other family members moaning about him and anticipating him as you're just giving him too much priority. Focus your thoughts on each other and don't let him matter.

I used to be very close to my sister, but her husband has never liked me and we are not close now sadly. I had hoped it was my ex he didn’t like but things didn’t improve when we divorced, so sadly it’s me, lol. You just have to accept it, and be civil when you see them I think. It is what it is.

One of my BILs is a lazy dickhead who has lumbered my DSis with all the childcare and domestic labour and I can't stand him. But I wouldn't be helping my sister if I went off on one, and her relationship is her business. I bite my tongue, have as little to do with him as possible and let it go. That's life in families; other people's relationships are often hard to fathom from the outside and people sometimes choose partners we'd never have chosen for them.

The awkwardness etc will just be a part of your life now she is married to him.

Why not organise a ‘sisters only’ trip to the holiday home? Leave all partners at home and just you girls get together? xx

If he makes your sister happy then just go with it.

The chances that three sisters would find 3 partners, all of whom liked socialising with the other 5, and their PILs, especially to the extent of having regular shared holidays, must be extremely low.

I think you are trying to recreate a childhood dynamic of family holidays which is very hard once you start to include adult partners and need to accept that life changes.

I don't know many people that like their BILs/SILs.
I think it is very, very difficult to blend family cultures when you don't have the motivation of being in love with the person.

Imo you treat them how you would a colleague that you need to get along with for the benefit of the wider workplace (fanily) and how it impacts everyone's relationships.

I have a weird perspective on this as BIL and I did used to be good friends. He lived with my husband when we met and we all hung out a lot when we were younger, but since he had kids I’ve watched him become a deadbeat dad and I can’t be friends with someone who abandons their children like that. We now have a cordial, surface level polite relationship but there’s no depth anymore. I think I am polite because I love the rest of my husband’s family and I don’t want to create waves, and similarly for you, you do not want to lose your sister. You don’t have to be best friends but for the sake of someone you care about you have to be polite.

It sucks! I loved my ex family, and should’ve put more stock in my current husbands family when we married.

due to the controlling comments DO NOT let your sister withdraw from the family. It’s one of the first signs of abuse.

And make sure you’re finding the absolute best husband ever so she can see what it should be like.