To feel disappointed in friend?

[coolmum123]

I have a friend and considered them to be a close one. Many years ago they moved abroad but would come back to visit family every couple of years we live either side of London. Communication whilst they lived abroad wasn't constant, both had busy lives, whatsapp not around etc which is fine. We would meet up every time we were both in the same country. However as the years rolled by I noticed there was a bit of a reluctance to meet up. I always offered to meet up halfway if time and distance was an issue but that was only taken up once and after that whenever I mentioned meeting up there were other plans etc. Which fair enough I understood. However last year my friend arrived in UK and I did not even know they were in UK until I received a text asking if I was around to meet up a couple of hours later that day. I couldn't as I was on holiday and due to fly back a couple of days after the message. If I had known they were going to be here I would have tried to make plans after I arrived back to meet up. I asked about their schedule and was told they had plans and that they would call me - I didn't get a call.
I have just found out yet again that they are in country - and I didn't know. I feel rather disappointed that this is the way it will be going forward considering I thought we were close. I know time and distance can affect friendships and I get that time needs to be spent with family but I just feel sad. Before I would have been so excited at the prospect of seeing them and felt I could confide in them, now I don't. I guess I am mourning the loss of a close friendship. AIBU to feel disappointed and sad?

Hard to tell really. I moved abroad when I was in my early 20s and I have a friend whom I meet up with every year when I travel home. I don't always let her know in advance that I am coming. I usually text soon after arriving and we make plans. We don't tend to talk at all throughout the year, really but she is still my closest friend and I never felt like she felt left out by the set up that we have going on.
One year I didn't let her know I was coming. I think it was after the lockdown and I haven't seen my family for three years by that point. I just knew I couldn't make time for her but it doesn't mean anything for our friendship. These are just the realities of living abroad and having limited contact with family - sometimes you have to make them a priority over friends.
I am taking her on holiday with me next spring as a thank you for being there for me for the last 20 years despite sporadic contact.

That’s a shame. It does sound like they’ve moved on unfortunately. For some people it’s out of sight, out of mind. You sound like a really good friend to have for those that appreciate it.

I do understand family being a priority over friends 100 per cent. This has been happening since way before lockdown and I don't get a text when they arrive I get a text on the day they want to meet up, is it reasonable to give a couple of hours notice for a meet up? (Its not something I would do so I don't know if that's normal.) I feel like they aren't actually bothered whether I can make it or not. If I had a bit of notice I would do my best to move things around.

ETA Once Whatsapp chat and calls were up and running I mentioned that we would be able to call and keep in touch more and I was told that they would call me, I thought - fine time difference and all that. Then in another conversation they told me that they called home every weekend (not a problem) but that they were so talked out by the end that they couldn't call me. _ that made me a bit hmmm 🤔

well, no, I probably wouldn't expect my friend to drop everything and meet me. I do give her date range for when I am available. But equally, if they are your friend, you should be comfortable enough to actually discuss it with them. There may be a reason for this. Or there may not. But there is no point in getting upset when your friend doesn't even know you feel this way. Maybe they are thinking the same thing about you.. you never visit, you never check in on them, you are never available when they are etc. etc. Did you actually speak to them about it?
Did you call them on whatsapp yourself?

It's just that you can get absolutely overwhelmed by the succession of demands on your time when you are back on a visit. Which people think of as a 'holiday', but it really isn't. It's pretty much the opposite of a holiday.

Even when there are no families involved. There are at least two sets of old friends of whom I am very fond living in London, where we used to live. (I now live overseas.) Sometimes I don't tell any of them I'm going to be in London for a couple of days, not because I'm not very fond of them or don't value the friendship, but because what I actually want to is decompress by going to galleries when I'm not doing work things, not trying to arrange seeing them around all of our work schedules, (or because all involved have young children, and don't know one another, trekking out to different, distant bits of south London to see them.)

Yes I do try to call, I always message to say if its convenient - and occasionally it is. I do message as well and I do get a response but usually just a short one like just busy with work etc.
I will say I don't fly there often but each time I do call as usually they are too far away from where I am to visit.

That's a very good point. People generally think you have unlimited time because you are on holiday but don't realise that it hardly feels like a holiday because you are pulled into different directions trying to keep everyone happy. Unless I am in the country for 3 weeks, someone is going to be left out because I also need space for myself.

These are all good points and I take everything on board and totally understand time limitations but I guess when you start to see a pattern you cant unsee if it. Anyway thanks for all your comments 😊

Before I moved away I saw my 'bestie' several times a week. I moved for my DDs school, but my son still lives near her so I go back almost every month. And she has a standing invite to come and stay here (she doesn't work and her kids are grown). So I'd put it out to our mutual friend that I'd be around and does anyone fancy meeting up for breakfast (which we all used to do most weeks). She has come about three times in three years. She'd come up with one excuse or another. Last time she said breakfast (9.30) was too early, I was pretty offended that she couldn't get out of bed to see me. Other times I've said I could fit in with her if the time didn't work or she wanted to meet just with me. I have travelled two hours to visit her when she was temporarily staying nearer after she cancelled twice when we had arranged a place half way between us.
She hasn't replaced me. She just can't be bothered, which is very sad. I know her marriage isn't great but she seems that's all she's got these days. Her DH never really liked her going out for breakfast or lunch (he WFH and likes her to be around to make him coffee and lunch) and I guess now he's got his way.

I have old friends like this OP who are exactly the same in terms of only letting me know at short notice if they are in our home town. I suppose the difference is that I don’t really see them as my close friends anymore. They’re old friends & I value them but they’re not part of my day to day life. It sounds as though your friend perhaps doesn’t feel the need to keep in contact that regularly & the friendship has shifted in terms of its relevance for her.

I understand your feelings and I always feel sad when friendships start to cool down. It does seem that she's drifting away from you, which often happens when people move away.
Does she have other friends/family in the UK to see as well? I'm asking because I'm someone who moved away from all my friends and family. When I first used to visit home, I'd religiously see all relatives and friends, even drawing up a schedule to fit everyone in. However, I was a lot younger then and didn't have kids. I had more time and energy!
Now I find it exhausting when I go home. I have the kids to entertain, elderly parents who need my help and then several friends to meet. Sometimes it's overwhelming, and I tend to do what your friend is doing - either not contact friends or contact them at the last minute to see if they're free. I realise this does piss people off! I do genuinely love my friends and I really do want to see them, but I just get worn out with it to be honest, and have to prioritise my parents and children (and preserve my energy). I much prefer it when people visit me because then I can focus on them only. Could you go and see her instead?

Is she coming over to help with an unwell relative/big family celebrations or is it purely low key social visit with family and other friends?
With any relationship it's reciprocal give and take, but if it feels like they're not meeting you halfway in terms of effort then they've moved on and your relationship is just not that important to them anymore. You're an old friend but no longer a close friend. Next time you message mention that you need a bit more notice next time she's over so you have time to rearrange your schedule. You mention you confide in her, maybe she now finds that too much, or it's not what she wants from you as she feels you're not as close any more. If she doesn't respond in that way then you have your answer.

You're over thinking it.

Just send a text saying 'I hear you're in the country. Are you free for coffee'.

Job done.

Ultimately your friend is just not that bothered about seeing you. If they were they’d make more effort and make proper arrangements.

The friendship has changed and you’re not close friends any more. Of course it’s not unreasonable to feel disappointed or sad about that realisation.

Do you know - going to see her at her place has never really been on the table!! She has never once said I can't come halfway, would you be able to come here!! How strange, it never occurred to me until you mentioned it!!
It's always been I have plans so can't meet up.

I have been the friend in this situation.

The number of people you are expected to see when you 'come home' gets overwhelming. You're on an assembly line of social visits and it gets less and less fun as each one happens, however much you like the people involved. Sometimes there are two or three in a day, then you get a to yourself, then it's back on the merry-go-round the next day.

The chats all have the same energy - catching up, potted "Previously, in the life of Baba's family..." recaps of everything since you were last together, most people having the same questions - with the added burden of you trying to remember all their news on top of the other 15 people's news you have been told on the holiday.

If she found she had some free time from a relatives etc and rang to see if you were free, she still likes you and values spending time with you.

Please remember that if you travel to where she lives, you are only expected to see her. If she travels to where you live, she's expected to see every single relative and friend she had when she lived there.

I meant could you go and visit her where she lives now, abroad, I think you said? I prefer it when friends come to stay at my house because when I go to my home town there are just so many pressures on my time. It becomes like a conveyer belt, ticking people off the list.

It's a mixture of all.of those. However it's the visits that are low key /social ones where there's no contact that disappoint me. The others I completely understand.
Don't get me wrong I'm not some high maintenance person that needs to be seen each and every time because I'm not and as I have said I understand there are priorities however I just think in all these years is there really not 1 hour to spare? We didn't even chat on the phone last time. I was told they were busy so I didn't call as I didn't know what the plans were and didn't want to intrude.

Reading all your replys, I think they’re are a lot of clues that they’re not bothered - contact has been sparse since they left, they don’t tell you they’re coming, they are always too busy, they said don’t call us, we’ll call you.

The last minute calls to perhaps, but most likely not, meet could be slightly on purpose. They know you will keep asking so might feel obligated to do it at some point.

A tiny thing I just noticed was you said you felt “you could confide in them.” Perhaps that’s too much for them in general, or just on a busy holiday.

A tiny thing I just noticed was you said you felt “you could confide in them.” Perhaps that’s too much for them in general, or just on a busy holiday.

I think I need to clarify this as I didn't explain this properly initially. What I meant was back in the day I felt like I could but I don't feel like I can now so wouldn't. She shouldn't feel like all I do is use her as a shoulder to cry on as I haven't So would be super surprised if that was the reason for the distance.

If it helps, it says absolutely nothing about my genuine fondness for the friends I don’t see. It’s just that sometimes I don’t want to run myself ragged coming out of an all-day work thing at 6.30 in Kings Cross and trekking to Nunhead or Forest Hill, either with a suitcase because I’m sleeping over, or then trekking back into central London to my hotel to go to bed, for an early start the next day again.

And for the 26 years when I lived away from my home country and only came ‘home’ for a week or two at a time, that was absolutely exhausting. Staying with parents, endless parental pressure to see Auntie Mary who’s always asking after you, the cousins who are dying to see little X, will you nip in to see Mrs Y down the road etc etc. We always got on our flight at the end wanting a holiday. There were times when I just wanted an hour to stare at the wall. It’s not personal.

I’ve had exaclty this.
my friend was in the country and I didn’t know until I saw her other friends and family positing on Instagram.
she was here this month, asked me to meet then right at the the end of the trip she said she didn’t have time
then had now said she’s here at Xmas but I haven’t answered. I’ll have a new baby, if she hasn’t followed through on two other occasions what’s the point
we were besties I was bridesmaid at her wedding, I know I’m not the same as family but we barely even message anymore either

personally I’ve just given up x