How to deal with in-laws

[Vix190]

So my mother in law has pulled me up in the past for not including her and my husband's family in our lives. I thought about it and resolved to try harder. However, on my reflection, I also realised that they don't make me feel included either and generally speaking I follow their lead. For example, they never invite us over - we just go, so I never invite them here as I assume they will just pop in. Recently I've also realised that I put in a lot of effort with my husband's sister - text, offer childcare (although she has said she doesn't trust me with her children - she had no reason for this), make sure I deliver thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents etc ... But once again I am never invited over, often have to invite myself and then feel awkward.
Does anyone else have this experience? I am definitely a people pleaser, I hate the fact I upset my mother and father in law but I often feel I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall and I would just like a nice, happy family especially for my children.

It's a shame that they make you feel this way. I can only suggest you stay polite and friendly but don't invest in them emotionally. How are they with your children?

Can you not just say to MIL that you didn't think they were the "invite over" kind of family as they never invite you guys?

You aren't the only person that can arrange things. Leave it up to your DH, they're his family.

Ah crap! I didn't mean to quote the OP. I don't know how on earth that happened. Sorry!

You leave everything to your husband. Does he manage your relationship with your family? I’m guessing a hard no. Stop sound the wife work and let your husband organise whatever relationship he wants with his family. Particularly as it’s not reciprocated. Don’t announce it, just defer to him next time MIL contacts you.

Has she pulled your husband up on him not including them enough in his family?

probably not. Just take their lead and if it comes up again, tell her it’s up to DH to do that.

Stop trying. Wait until she bitches again, and in the meantime, diarise all the events you are NOT invited to - but don’t go. When she bitches, point out the obvious.

'effort with my husband's sister - text, offer childcare, make sure I deliver thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents etc'

This is strange, the woman doesn't like you, so why do you do this?
Presumably your husband offers the same to your relatives?

Just direct any of your husband's mother's whining to him, it's none of your concern. Enjoy the peace.

MIL and SIL both sound like bitches tbh.

How dare MIL pull you up on this when they never invite you?

And why would you give SIL presents when she’s said you’re not trustworthy?!

Stop the presents, the babysitting offers and stop arranging visits. You should still go if you’re invited just stop arranging them.

Tell MIL that as you’re so bad at being inclusive that you’re leaving it all to DH from now on.

So what did you say to her when she complained you are not including them?
We have a sort of "drop in" family. We have a fully functioning "family telegraph" where, one person will be informed that X is getting married and then the message is passed on from one person to the other and everyone is assumed to be invited. My younger cousins have real trouble understanding the system and often get offended as they didn't receive a personal invitation. So we just tell them this is how it all works and has worked your entire lives. So just show up like the rest of us.
I feel like the same principle applies here. You didn't invite yourself over to your SIL's, you just did what everyone in the family does. So no need to feel awkward.
And when you MIL said they don't feel included/don't get invited you probably could have said "just drop in, no need to wait for the invite".

I get on very well with my ILS but if any of them ever tried 'pulling me up' on anything I would tell them to speak to my DH

He doesnt manage things with my family but he's definitely involved with my family. He hangs out with my brother, and brother in law and not overly but just in a nice way lol. But I suppose my family are just really nice ☺️.

I suppose I was just taught that when you get married, these people become your family and that's really important (my family are definitely like this) but perhaps my expectations are far too high! 🙈

I was going to say this. I am a MIL three times over and I cannot IMAGINE 'pulling up' any of my DILS for anything! It's not my business and it's not my place!

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat can you please be my surrogate mil?
@Vix190 lower the bar…. There’s no other way!

If my MIL tried to “pull me up” on anything, I’d send her my husbands phone number as I’d assume she must have lost it to be contacting me first😂

I use to do all the trying especially when DD/DS were young. Having stopped I realised no one else bothered including DH so I checked out from it being my responsibility emotionally and ignore the snarky comments from MIL. I'm of the opinion if I'm invited somewhere I will make every effort to go and if DH wants his family over I will make the effort to be polite. Anything else is other people's problems not mine. I have teenagers now so they can make their own minds up about family relationships

What did she actually say? Was your dh there? What does he think?

It's hard without knowing what exactly was said. But I can't imagine accepting a telling off from my MiL.

I'd probably direct her to dh for all future arrangements.

It like she may be taking the opportunity to make herself the matriarch figure. In which case you'll have to let her know she's not.

"That's not how I do things, but we'd love an invite over - I notice we've never had one"