to be struggling so much with infertility pain

[ConfusedKangaroo]

I'm hoping to hear from others who are struggling with infertility as I'm not coping at all. I need ways to come to terms with likely not having children as it is affecting me badly. DH and I have been struggling with infertility for several years. Please don't suggest solutions for this – believe me when I say we have looked into everything and at the moment I just need ways to deal with being not having children.

It is so isolating. I find it difficult to speak to or see friends as they either all have children or are talking about plans for children; I find it difficult to speak to my parents as they have busy and rich lives with my siblings and grandchildren (something I won't ever have); I find it difficult to speak to my siblings as they all have children (and I'm not a part of their lives as I live on the other side of the world). I had to buy a present for my SIL and BIL today as they are having a baby and I've spent the past hour in tears. How do you do it? How do you get through each day? It is just so painful. I am trying so hard to be happy for everyone else but it's difficult to always have to be happy for other people who have what I so desperately want.

At this stage I think you need to accept your pain rather than avoid it. Maybe even try listening to podcasts or reading books where you reflect on these issues. I believe you will get to a place where you can believe you will live a rich and interesting life without children, but you will need to inhabit this space first. All the best.

You will get more helpful and sympathetic responses from the infertility board or Fertility Network on Healthunlocked. The ‘why not adopt’ brigade will be along soon. Talking to a fertility counsellor might help you work through it. Sending hugs x

Thank you – I should probably request the post be moved. I was hoping by posting here to find people that have been through infertility pain and found ways to cope with and accept not having children (ie. who may not be on the infertility boards any more as it seems that they are full of people who are currently going through treatment).

Thank you for suggesting Fertility Network on Healthunlocked – I haven't come across this yet.

Thank you. It all just feels so overwhelming. I'm struggling so badly to stay on top of everyday life and I feel like if I accept my pain then it will just completely incapacitate me. Last week, I spoke with family in the morning and then spent the rest of the day in tears and unable to do anything, meaning I'm seriously behind in work deadlines now.

Do you have any podcasts or books that you would recommend?

Hi OP i was going to say there are fertility and conception (and coping with loss) boards here on Mumsnet which were a life line to me when i was struggling 10 years ago. Many folks only know about the AIBU board but there's lots more and lots of very lovely posters who have been through the mill and stay around the different boards. If you ask for help it will be there.

When i was struggling i found the most stupid things exquisitely painful. All the bloody lunch time adds for nappies and baby food on TV. The baby stuff aisle in Tesco. You don't know and don't notice till you've been there

I too had a pregnant SIL just a couple of weeks after my late loss. Two of them in fact! About 6 months apart. I would be smiles and happy questions at MILs and then DH and i used to drive home up the motor way and my tears would flow. He didn't know what to say - there wasn't anything he could say. I felt sorry for him to be honest. I was in a very bad place.

Don't feel guilty about struggling with your SIL's pregnancy. Be kind to yourself and get through the best you can.

With me - and i don't want to make assumptions about you - i found once the babies arrived i was ok about it suddenly. It surprised me actually! I think it was because I didn't want other people's babies. I wanted to be pregnant with my own. Once they weren't preg any more the pressure lifted.

Coping hour to hour and coping day to day is hard work. I feel for you.
((hugs))

Try Gateway women:
https://gateway-women.com

Sending hugs OP

I am guessing it is like a bereavement. It doesn't go but the pain lessens and you learn to live with it. There is a group called "More to life" which deal with coming to terms with childlessness.

I struggled with this for several years. A full course of CBT helped me enormously.

I meant to add - you are doing the exact right thing looking for those going through the same thing as you so you can be brutally honest and share feelings.

It's no good trying to lean on family. Sometimes you need to really vent and say things which folks wont understand if they haven't been there.

Please have a go at seeking out help on the infertility board if you feel strong enough. There maybe women reading recently who are wanting the same discussion as you but haven't be brave enough to start a thread. Some people even start threads and use them as a sort of diary day to day and write their thoughts and feelings and women on the same journey come and join in.

Infertility and Me and Becoming Us are a couple I know. But there are tonnes and if one doesn’t suit you then you can try another. Elizabeth Day has written a lot about infertility although I haven’t read her stuff.

Hi, I am going through the same thing. It has just passed the 5 year mark of infertility / TTC etc for me and my husband and for my own mental health I cannot do anymore. I have had to come to the conclusion to not try any more and not do any more treatments, and honestly that's to save myself.
I am letting myself grieve for the things I will never have. I won't ever see my nephews playing with my kids. I won't ever have the big chaos family dinners with our kids, I won't get to do Christmas with kids wrapping everything up and creating the magic for them. I won't be giving my parents grandkids even though they would adore them and can't wait for them. I am grieving for the life I thought I would have and that I am losing, and I'm letting myself have that grief instead of always pretending everything is ok and will be ok. I have lost friends who have kids as they no longer see me as worthwhile of their friendship no matter how many times I reach out, they don't reply, but then they all get together and do kids activities with each other without a thought for me. I offer to go to theirs, and barely get responses. That's another loss I'm coping with, people who I thought were friends who absolutely aren't.

What I try to think of is ok I don't have all of the above, but I never had to stay up for weeks on end all night due to sleep regression. I don't have to deal with a kids shitty mood, I don't have to try and be the working mum and the SAHM all the time, I don't have to get up every single morning and prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus the washing up, plus all the clothes washing, plus all the mess and tidying up every night of all the toys. At some point all these cute babies turn into little monsters and horrible teenagers!

I know they don't all really turn into monsters, but I try and see the bad side of things to try and stave off the grief I have every day. I will do anything to try and stave it off because that feeling is horrendous. It's hard, some days are better, some days are awful. I just want you to know you're not alone, and that there's so many of us going through the unseen emotions of infertility and grief of the life you thought you would have.

Sending you love x

@BerlinSky thank you for sharing. This is exactly how I feel. I think about the future and it just feels so empty. There’s no nursery or play dates, or school friends, or meeting other mums and families, no family holidays, or making christmas and birthdays with my own children special, no family movie nights or weekend sports.. no adult children to enjoy spending time with. I think about my own childhood and all the joy that brought my parents, and the obvious joy they now take in having adult children and grandchildren, and I don’t see any of that in my life.

I know I need to think about the negative side of things, but it’s so hard. I would embrace sleepless nights, making endless meals and lunches, and dealing with teenagers happily and in an instant for the opportunity for a family.

Just sending love. I went through this too. I remember abandoning a basket in the supermarket and running out in tears as a newborn baby was crying in there somewhere. I couldn’t bear to even stand behind a pregnant woman in a queue. It was all consuming. As someone said in an earlier post, you have no idea how deep the pain is unless you’ve experienced it. It goes right to the core of your very being. You will get through it. Big hug x

Just to say there is a Mumsnetters without Children board here where you will find many childless posters who have been through infertility.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

I have been where you are. My heart goes out to you. But it does get better, Ican promise you that. You need to grieve, and also to look for the positives. There are plenty.

Thank you – I didn't know about this board. I will have a look.

I just feel so lonely, as it feels like everyone is either pursuing treatment so still has hope, or has been through this and has their happy ending. I know there are people who are in the same place as me, I just need to find them so I feel less lonely.

There are definitely those on FN who are at the same point as you (I used that forum a lot going through IVF). I’m sorry you’re in this position, infertility is a wretched thing to go through. I hope you find some peace.

I know exactly how you’re feeling. All of my family and friends have children and I find it so difficult to talk to them and they be able to completely understand. You are not alone. I am here if you need to talk. I highly recommend to see a therapist. It really does help. I will put a link on here for you to look at where they specialise in this. I found my counsellor on here and it was one of the best things I have done. Please please get back to me if you want to talk at any time x
https://gateway-women.com/